throwaway for obvious reasons. so I have a big anal fetish and of course I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and I have asked her to do anal the first two times she said no and that was in the beginning of the relationship but I just recently asked again and she made the deal that if she could peg me first with a dildo, the size of my penis that I could do anal on her. I agreed because it was a fair proposition to see the pain she would have to go through so I could be more gentle with her when it was my turn time goes on, and we clone my penis and she pegs me with it. I didn’t hate it but I didn’t enjoy it either to me it was meh. Now that my end of the deal has been sealed. She’s now backing up and saying, I don’t wanna go through with this anymore and profusely keeps apologizing to me. To me, I feel kind of used because if she never promise to do anal, I would’ve never let her pick me in the first place. As of now I’ve taken time to myself just to collect my thoughts and will her in the morning. so r/sex, how would you react in this situation?
37 comments
I would feel like a certain trust had been broken especially sexually. I mean I don’t know who you get past feeling let down …
She clearly didn’t want you to accept the conditions, she whas believing you whoud drop to be pegged right at the time.
Yeah. That’s a massive violation, and I’d never be able to trust her again. I’d absolutely walk away.
I get why you’re feeling this is unfair. But. You said yourself that the experience of receiving was ‘meh’ and biologically you’re the one wired to find more pleasure in it (because prostate)
Do you want to put your GF through an experience that will be at best meh? You say you have a fetish for it, is that still there now you know how it feels?
OR…you should have absolutely stopped asking after the first TWO times she said NO in the beginning. Go ahead and break up now, she’s never doing anal with you and I’m sure you don’t see her the same way either.
“Let me do it to you first” is a common advice phrase given to women with partners who pester them for anal. There very much is the assumption that the male partner is not going to be up for it, thus getting the intended recipient out of the deal.
She did not have to take it this far. You did not have to bring it up again. Sounds like a poor trail of decisions that from all sides could have been avoided with communication and respect. You could have respected her answer, she could have respected the deal. If you want to continue with her, have an honest conversation. You’re not obliged to, however, because there is clear sexual incompatibility present. After 3 years though, this deserves a thorough conversation with feelings laid out from all sides.
She played you bro. If the roles were reversed I’m guessing it would be hell to deal with. Too many fish in the sea to hang around with someone you can’t trust.
I mean, she obviously has a right to say no at any time, but that doesn’t make it any less a breech of trust. Personally, I wouldn’t make any more deals with her in the future.
She doesn’t want to do anal. There’s no such thing as future consent. She can withdraw or modify consent at any time for any reason. This is why it’s a bad idea to treat your sex life like a business transaction, and I understand that you feel let down. That doesnt make it ok for you to pressure or guilt her because at some point in the past she said she was okay with it.
I personally enjoy anal sex, but not everyone does. If having anal sex is important to you and your current partner doesn’t want to do that, then you need to evaluate which is more important to you.
Did you get a signed contract?
Simple fact is she doesn’t want to do it. She said no the 1st time. She said no the 2nd time. 3rd time comes across like you’re refusing to accept her no and she now feels pressured. She suggested pegging you expecting you to refuse to be pegged. She didn’t expect her bluff to be called and it backfired. Then she hoped you’d hate it enough you would not still expect her to do it. But here you are. You clearly weren’t a fan, but you still expect her to do it. Simple fact is she still doesn’t want to do it, but you expect her to. Why do you want to make her do something she clearly doesn’t want to do? Do you get pleasure from that? knowing you’re plowing into her ass while she’s hating it, maybe even hating you for pressuring her into it? You shouldn’t pressure her to do something she made clear she didn’t want to do. That’s the kind of thing assholes do. Don’t be an asshole.
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I’m trying to not laugh out loud about this …. If you saw this on a movie you’d be laughing too , so don’t blame me . But then I saw she has weird fetishes that she has you do , that you don’t like . She sounds one way . Are you sure you didn’t just think meh. And we’re more like howling in pain ? It can hurt bad ! She may be scared of tbe pain
This is a question for you and her in a couples counselor office.
Choose a girlfriend that is willing to explore anal instead of saying what she said because she wanted to shift the blame to you…
Good luck 🍀 and don’t forget to have fun!
Personally woulda left her after the no if it’s a big thing for me to be able to do that.
But I definitely woulda left her after the switch up. And if she offered to make it right I don’t think that would work cuz it’s not genuine.
This is a bit of a mixed bag. She’s totally breaking trust here and it’s a peek at what’s to come on in many aspects of your relationship.
That said, it’s also an opportunity for you to have a heart to heart with her and see if you can’t figure out what’s really bugging her. Maybe it’s that you haven’t actually worked together tp prep her for it – that’s something you could do together. Read, learn, watch, buttplugs, etc. maybe if you take it slow she’ll come to love it.
I get what you’re saying but when it comes down to it if she isn’t comfortable enough consent than that’s that. Pressuring her into it isn’t fair to either of you or right. I get that she promised but it is what it is
I feel like she never planned on letting you have anal sex with her and was just expecting you to back out. The deal was never sincere. Which means she coerced you into doing a sexual act under false pretenses. That is a form of sexual assault and you have every right to feel upset. It’s a violation of your body, your trust, and your consent.
That view does rest on an assumption. If she simply changed her mind, that is her right. People can withdrawal consent at any time and you’re never owed sex. But even if she didn’t violate you on purpose, that doesn’t change the fact that this hurt you. Your feelings are still valid. You still have the right to feel taken advantage of even if that wasn’t her intent. People hurt each other unintentionally all the time and it doesn’t make it better. Consequences matter more than intent.
I would personally treat this as sexual assault. If she recognizes how bad and serious that is and treats it accordingly, showing sincere remorse, then maybe I’d be able to work through it with her. I would probably suggest we both see a therapist to help. If she can’t do that though, then I wouldn’t trust her or stay with her.
She’s willing to play games with your bodily autonomy. That’s not okay.
Why do you want to have anal with someone who doesn’t want it? Bartering with sex acts is always a dumb idea, and it’s weird you say ‘I could do anal on her’ – she’s not a sex doll, bro….
Yeah I’m sorry, like everyone else is saying, hugeee breach of trust.
Of course no one has to consent to anything and can revoke consent at any moment. However, it’s unfair for her to say she’s going to do something for you in order to be able to do something to you, just to back out once’s she gotten what she wants.
I (21F) honestly don’t think I’d be able to forgive my partner if I were in your shoes. It would always be something that would come back up in our sex life. The thought would always be lingering in the back of my mind that if they said they’d do something “No they’re not going to I can’t trust them, they’re either gonna use me or just lie to me.”
And even just this specific instance, I would always probably go back to this moment in arguments about trust. “Well I trusted you that one time and you abused that because you lied to me.”
I’d dump her
You’re receiving terrible advice here.
You both made a stupid decision to make your sex transactional, which is unhealthy and unsustainable. She’s also then broken that trust because she thought she could bluff you out of something she’s uncomfortable about.
Of course, she did this because you are clearly interested and she wants to make you happy. You’ve asked three times after being told “no.”
Stop where you are, think about what’s up set you and express it in “I” statements (I feel upset because I thought we’d agreed on something and we hadn’t)
Sis hit him with reverse uno card
You’re both assholes
You should have taken no for an answer
She shouldn’t have followed through on something she was never going to honour
Quite a few years back I made a similar “deal” with my wife, but it was finger in the butt for anal. I’ve also let her peg me maybe 2-3 times. Same response, kinda meh, but god damn if you can orgasm while that’s happening it’s next level.
We only did it after we had ALOT of trust built up and I was confident it wouldn’t end up in a situation like yours, we have a lot of very open communication about our sexual wants and desires. It seems like y’all weren’t quite there yet, to fully trust the person to not back out.
Unfortunately that’s puts you in the position of, okay one half of our deal was met, now I’m left flat. Do you assume it was a one time thing, or worry that it will continue. For both of us, we’ve both fucked uo what we call a pirate trade. You fold all the laundry, I’ll let you cum in my mouth (didn’t happen) as one example. It’s frustrating but at the end of the day, you can’t force something.
For as many bad deals we’ve both made, there have been some damn good ones, you just have to decide is it worth pursuing, or moving on. Tough spot dood, I wish you the best
There was a post here a while ago about a bi guy in a similar situation. Him and his gf did a mmf threesom first where he did some rough bottoming with the agreement hard they’d do an mff threeesome after. We’ll she chickened out and felt awful, he was pissed off.
I think she ended up buying him a ps5 to make it up to him and he considered that fair.
So get a ps5 from her then dump her
Sounds like she fucked you
I think as long as she did have genuine intent to go through with it initially then she hasn’t lied. She is allowed to change her mind.
Now, about you and getting pegged (by a clone of your own dick, no less!) I think you should give it another go! Go slow, use lube, maybe use it on yourself. It can feel really great.
Don’t play tit-for-tat
Yes, she backed out. That’s sucky, but you admit yourself you didn’t enjoy it, and you know it’ll cause her pain.
But seriously- do you really want to force a person to do a sexual thing they really, really, *really* don’t want to do?
Is your fetish more important than her boundaries?
Is that what you want?
If anal is more important than that, break up with her.
Honestly, she thought you wouldn’t go through with it.
She should’ve stopped and said NO. when you got to that point. I would be pissed if I were you! Cause that’s majorly fucked up her for to still go through with your end of the deal and not her own.
If you don’t trust her then just break up with her. I mean I would have just never agreed to the anal. Just take the first no and move on. I think it’s weird that you were pegged, didn’t enjoy it, and now you want to take an experiment that you didn’t enjoy and do it to someone else.
If it’s not part of a pattern of behavior, you should let it go. People have to be able to change their minds and withdraw consent. It sucks, and I would be pissed and disappointed in your situation. But she has apologized profusely. Nothing good will come out of making a big deal out of it.
I don’t think this happened
This is why anyone who doesn’t want to try anal sex should never ever make that deal 🙄
She’s allowed to change her mind and revoke her consent AT ANY TIME. Quit your whining and live with it.
I would have done worse if I were in her shoes. She wasn’t interested in anal and she made that very clear. You failed to respect her very legitimate boundary when you kept pressuring