Hi all. Not trying to start a pity party. I am just looking for some advice 🙂
I (32m) met someone at a party (where i did not know many people) who was very outgoing and who had initiated a conversion with me out of nowhere (mid-20s m). They kind of embody the person I wish I could be in social situations: super friendly, liked by all, gathers a crowd when speaking, eagerly included by others in conversations and activities, etc. I was excited to meet this friendly person and thankful they seemed so eager to talk to me. During the conversion I was trying to be very attentive and engaging: I listened intently to what they said, attempted to understand what they were saying, and tried to express my interest and understanding by expanding on what they said. They were very talkative and it felt diffiduclt to get words in, but when i did interject, it was only for a quick comment, again, trying to expand on what they were saying while being sure not to rudely interupt. I was also trying to be concious of where i was looking: i mostly looked at one eye, occasionally breaking contact to look at their shirt or a feature of their face. It felt pretty natural but i did feel like maybe i was making eye contact with one eye too much, idk. Maybe the fact that I was concious of where I was looking proves that it came off less natural than I thought.
Regardless, during the conversation, I could feel the interest in me and general warmth and friendliness slowly start to fade. And ultimately it felt like they just wanted to move past me to get back to the rest of the party. After that one interaction, they didn’t really engage with me again even in group settings.
I guess my question is, where did I go wrong? I know my description can’t possibly relay to you all the intricacies of the interaction, but any thoughts or possible suggestions for improvement would be so appreciated.
Should I just let people talk at me and only speak when they’ve run out of things to say? Is it rude when I try to expand on someone’s ideas? I feel like I’m being engaging by doing so but I worry that maybe it comes off as me putting words in their mouth or not allowing them the opportunity to express themselves. Is that a valid concern? How do I avoid that while still showing interest? I don’t want to simply repeat back what they said or ask neverending questions. That sounds like the fastest way to be uninteresting!
Thank you for your time reading my post and any advice!
Edit: I realize I’m 32 and talking about parties like that’s a super important thing for someone my age. It’s not. But this type of situation is everywhere in my life: work, grad school, conferences, weddings, bachelor parties, interacting with my SO’s family, the list goes on.
For more context about me:
I struggle to make new friends and while I enjoy parties, I always feel like the least-liked individual, often explicitly disliked by a number of party goers. Such was the case here. A number of the people at the party were distinctly rude/standoffish, gave me the cold shoulder treatment when I tried to enter group conversations, physically turned their backs to me when I tried to enter circles, etc. I feel like, even when people initially like me, they often end up deciding they don’t. Hetero men and lesbian women seem to dislike me the most and I find it easiest to hold conversations with women.
I’ve learned generally to not g.a.f. I grew sick of trying to get people to like me and trying to bend my personality to fit their idiosyncrasies. So I tried to focus on what I like and what makes me happy. I pulled in and did my own thing for years. I had hoped that alone would make me more likeable but it hasn’t really changed anything. Despite trying to move past it, I miss social events. I miss having friends and sharing memories with people. I just wish I could get people to like me and I can’t understand why so, so many people, even without knowing me, don’t. Why am I so unlikeable?