Husband constantly checking on me.

45 comments

1. Have you brought it up to him?

   Because you are framing it as he wants a connection, but that is not normal.

   I think having a talk about it to find out the cause is the first step in getting him to stop. Then I recommend stopping to respond. He does it, because it works.

   He certainly will not appreciate the shift, but if you have the talk about his fears, make it clear that you do not appreciate it, and thrn make it clear that you will not be participating, this has a chance of stopping peacefully.

   I do wonder why he does it though. Is he rly just needy? Worried for your safety? Worried you are cheating? Something not so great is driving this behaviour.

   Edit: a few words needed fixing.

2. “Fire, Water, or Blood”

   Set boundaries. Don’t call me or text me unless there is “fire, water, or blood.” These were the instructions I gave my children before we went out. Sadly, sounds like you need to give the same instructions.

   If he can’t abide by these boundaries, then you need lots of conversation – I recommend therapy. He goes first.

3. He sounds anxious or lonely. Ask him to explore stretching the time, partner with him to help him figure this out/ is it a trust thing? If it’s anxiety can he self soothe in some other way/ maybe rewards as incentive. Also counseling for him may not be a bad idea. Poor guy and yeah I get it you feel smothered and you’re right it’s not the worst thing to have happen in a marriage.

4. This is not normal. Either he has major anxiety and needs therapy for it, or he is being majorly controlling (part of a DV abuse cycle) and you need therapy to help recognize the cycle happening.

5. Based on what you’ve said about this being a recent problem, it seems likely that he grew accustomed to your consistent presence and now feels uncomfortable and just keeps reaching out to you. It could be that he got used to having an office buddy in his WFH situation and developed habits based on your being there and the habits haven’t changed even though the WFH situation for you has.

   Does he realize you feel smothered? You could talk about setting specific limits. People get used to acting in certain ways and don’t even question what they’re doing sometimes. You might want to let him know that you appreciate that he wants to have contact with you, but it’s hard for you to attend to him in the way he seems to need. Talk about setting up particular limits on texting/calling or whatever during the day. Maybe have him open up a text document and type out what he wants to say and when he wants to say it to you so he tracks his own impulses and sees what is going on and can then start limiting how often he contacts you.

6. That sounds way too excessive

7. I wouldn’t like that, that’s too much

8. He’s probably bored without you. But you need to tell him it’s too much.

   Does he have anxiety?

   My husband will say, “I can’t talk to you until xyz”. I try not to call him bc I know he’s busy and I don’t want to be annoying. However I do have to manage my own emotions.

9. That’s ridiculous. I would tell him that when I’m at work, I’ll contact him on break and the rest of the time, I’ll be working. As for once call two texts and a snap in 5 minutes, that’s obsessive, in my opinion. It seems like he has a lack of trust in you. He may need some counseling to deal with whatever issue he has.

10. Is there any last trauma? Something along the lines of losing someone or something bad happening to a loved one during their workday or an errand? Was his childhood a rollercoaster? Anything out of the “norm”?

    This isn’t an excuse but would be an indicator that he needs professional support to process whatever happened.

11. This is seriously bizarre behaviour OP. You need to have a discussion with him about this for sure.

12. For whatever reason I’ve learned my spouse doesn’t hear verbiage. He gets defensive or worse and I guess he’s so busy thinking of his reply he cannot hear what he’s replying to. So I have to text, email, or write with tool and paper for him to get the message. He does not get pissed at notes. He gets mad about 50 % of the things I say. So of course I am learning not to speak. I would text him.

13. As long he does not caught an attitude when you can’t answer or don’t t reply quick enough me personally i would not have a problem with it.

    I know my husband will call me at least twice when I am at work. Sometimes even that is annoying but it comes from a place of love.

    Also if I stop off somewhere after work I usually call him and let him know I am at the store.

14. Do you share location? My wife and I share location and unless we have to call or text each other we never do outside of a “I love you text” or something like that. If she needs to know where I am she can look at the map and she will see where I am and where the kids are.

15. This seems like textbook anxious attachment. I have this. It is formed during early childhood usually by bad parenting of some sort. Absent or unreliable parent(s), and probably some abandonment of some sort occurred.

    It’s helpful to have a partner who is reliable and pretty much always there, but some things need to be practiced to improve this for him. When he calls and texts and snaps you, he’s full-on panicking and thinking you might be gone forever (dead) because his sense of object permanence is damaged.

    Object permanence is something most normal children form. It says “I know mom isn’t here in my line of sight right now, but I will comfort myself for now knowing she will be back with me soon.” Your husband didn’t form this.

    You can explain to him how his behavior makes you feel. Then you can reassure him what time you’ll be home, and then just not really answer when he starts this behavior. Over time he will learn that you WILL be home. It takes time and repetition. And therapy.

    It is unacceptable for him to contact you at work. Period. I do not contact my husband while he’s working unless it’s sort of time-sensitive, and he’s gone for like 12 hours a day. It doesn’t bother me because I know he’s coming home when he’s done and I know he will call me when he’s able to do so.

16. Separation anxiety is real , my puppy does the same thing when I leave the house too

17. I’m sure he means well but there is a boundary that he’s walking the line of crossing onto the controlling side. I mean if you’ve been together 9 years you should be able to just stop places on the way home and not have him call you multiple times. Have you ever been unfaithful?

18. Sounds to me like you’re leaving out details. Did he catch you texting someone(especially someone you work with)? Do you a history of being flirtatious? Cheating history?

    If none of these apply, then he’s overreacting. If one or more of these apply, YOU DID THIS.

19. has he lost anyone close to him recently? is this new behavior or has it been going on the entire marriage? he could also be dealing with some general anxiety that focuses on the health and well-being of himself and loved ones. talk to him and see what’s going on. tell him that he feels a bit much to you and that you need a little bit of space. if that’s hard for him, then i would recommend finding a therapist for him to find the root cause and coping mechanisms to work through it.

20. Following as mine does exactly the same x

21. If communication about it has failed a lot of men respond to agressive teasing. Check in with him 10 times every minute when he’s in the middle of something fun (something that doesn’t matter if you screw it up) do it enough to provoke a reaction and then just play dumb and tell him your just actung like how he acts, its the same behavior. Stage 5 clinger on steroids.

    If you keep a playful tone and don’t let it get malicious, you can make the point and if he’s a good dude he’ll correct. If he’s a lunatic and this will backfire with horrific consequences then please ignore everything written above.

22. This is waaaay overkill. Time for boundaries. What would he do if you didn’t answer for an hour?!

23. Ask him why he’s so insecure?

24. Idk but my ex who abused me would do this and if I didn’t respond he would accuse me of all kinds of things like cheating, that I hate him, etc. Now, my husband and I would love to be around each other 24/7 but we still don’t act like this. I would never call him at work unless it was an emergency. We text all the time when we aren’t together but we would never get mad at each other for not responding. He’s got some problems he needs to work out. That’s just not normal behavior, COVID or not.

25. Does he struggle with anxiety? My husband has worked from home since Covid, if he went back to working in the office, my anxiety would sky rocket. My husband is a lot like you, he appreciates his space and not feeling smothered, but I’ve noticed if I’m gone for the day he will text me a lot more. I would just talk to him, be honest about how you’re feeling and ask him about how he’s feeling. I imagine he’s lonely and may be struggling with not having someone to talk to or see during the day. He may also need connection throughout the day, maybe you could have a set time every day where you call/text him, that way he feels thought about and gets that connection.

26. 😂😂😂 so anxiously attached .. what did his parents do to him when he was little? 🙉 sounds awful ..

    A bit is fine but that is just too much, very insecurely attached husband..

27. That is not normal. At all. I wouldn’t tolerate that for a day

28. Does your husband have an anxiety disorder?

    This sounds like he’s had major anxiety

29. Hb and i MAYBE text once or twice a day. Half the time not at all. He’s at work! I’m at work! It’s been a few hours. That would drive me bonkers.

30. Have a discussion about how one call is enough and you will return it once available. He’s just sitting at home with nothing going on around him so it’s easy to project that “what could possibly be distracting her” onto you because nothing is going on with him. Obviously while you’re out and about or at work, you need to focus on the world around you l, traffic, your bosses or clients… Etc

31. He shouldn’t be harassing you, especially at work.

    If you don’t answer, there should be a valid reason (work or not having your phone on you at the moment like getting fuel).

    He needs to give you some time to respond when you get a chance, instead of blowing up your phone. Call, leave a txt if you can’t answer.. wait.

    I’ve had companions do that to me, and I have no issues putting them in their place about it. I have put them on mute and fixed it later if they didn’t respect the boundary. That is harassment and I don’t do it.
    I had an ex that would call me 10 minutes after my work end time (430 then) and wonder why I wasn’t home yet. Let’s see, I don’t actually drive away from work until 5 minutes later due to time clock issues, 10 minutes of drive time, sometimes getting fuel or stopping at the store to get something quick like milk for the kiddos. Give me a half hour, it’s pretty easy. I don’t have time, energy, or money to be cheating. 🤷

32. I understand being bored at home during the day working from home and wanting the connection, but this isn’t that. This isn’t a text and then another text an hour later, this is too much and I would bring it up to him and honestly stop worrying about replying quickly.

33. Is this suddenly or has it always been like this for the past 9+ years? That’s very important to know…

34. I had a co-worker who’s husband was like this and they had to implement a “no communication during work hours unless it’s an emergency” rule bc it just kept getting worse and started to interfere with her job. He *really* didn’t like it at first but adjusted eventually. She would check in with him at lunch and when she was getting ready to head home.

35. Does he have friends or hobbies outside of you? Because this sounds like an unhealthy anxious attachment

36. Does he have anxiety issues? This sounds like someone who might have some insecurities or attachment issues resulting in anxiety and his checkin’s are actually ways of trying to alleviate his anxiety.

    It doesn’t sound healthy for either of you. Perhaps couples counseling might be a good idea to explore deeper into the issue.

37. Sometimes I get a little crazy with checking on my partner, but I have crazy anxiety. Maybe he should speak to a therapist, because my armchair diagnosis is that he sounds anxious as heck.

38. We have the opposite problem. Lol My husband has gone entire days without talking to me. Doesn’t check in when I go out. I’ve left the house without telling him where I’m going, and he never questions it.

39. Start by accidentally leaving your phone at home as you go off to work….

40. My SO does this and I’ve just grown used to it. Sometimes I feel like my head is swimming because I’m always caught up in his sort of chaotic way of communicating every little thing. It’s like I can’t get any free space in my head.

    I don’t know what to do about it, I’m just immune to it now. But I empathize.

41. Having to have constant contact would drive me insane!! You are a freaking adult and he needs to get treatment for he has anxiety!! This is HIS problem to deal with. If he won’t get treatment then I would start turning my phone off at work and while I went to the store. You’re not a 5 year old and you don’t need to be in constant contact. I would sit down and talk to him one more time and then start turning my phone off- especially if he won’t get treatment. This is much more than ‘he misses you’ bullshit and it’s borderline controlling.

42. You need to have him see a therapist and set some boundaries.

43. Communicate and compromise.
    Send him little updates throughout the day. And see if that eases him anxiety a little.

    Take this as an opportunity to get closer. A simple “I’m on my way home stopped for gas, do you want anything? ”

    It’s got the potential to turn this wedge into a bridge

44. He may be suffering from some form of anxiety, paranoia or neuroticism. It should be addressed, but gently and not necessarily immediately. Make sure it a good time. Express your concern and ask for reasons at a time when everything is comfortable. Don’t be judgmental. After addressing it might not be the right time to push for correction.

    On the other hand it could be more of a controlling issue, although that’s not how I read the post. While the cure might be different, it still might require proper timing and handling. No relationship is perfect. They all have problems. Most of the time the good outweighs the bad, and when you can say he a good husband and father after nine years, I would say this certainly isn’t a relationship that calls for focusing on the bad.

45. Maybe tell him to call you during lunch and that’s enough. Tell him they are cracking down on phone usage at work and when you’re doing errands, tell him to wait until you call him because you don’t want to be driving while on the phone.