You can see my original post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/176fv3m/husband_just_realized_hes_a_sex_addict_among/).
My soon-to-be ex was admitted to rehab for trying to take his own life. There they diagnosed him with depression, anxiety, and sex addiction, as well as overall addictive and narcissistic tendencies. Before I share what he’s admitted to so far, which he says “is everything”, I just want to say this person was what other people saw as a great father and spouse. Everyone came to him for advice. The irony.
In my original post, I shared that therapy “unblocked” some of his memories, one being that he cheated on me while I was 9 months pregnant with a complete stranger. He had also spent thousands of dollars on our accounts to play video games – every time I would find. charge he claimed it was fraud and I disputed it. He had also mentioned his longtime addiction to watching porn and masturbating when he was home alone. What he finally disclosed yesterday after I began to ask more questions, tipped me over the edge.
I learned that not only was he spending thousands of dollars on phone games, but over the course of 7 years he was connecting with random people from these games and sexting them for weeks at a time off of fake social media accounts he would create. One particular question I asked him was: “So you would be replying to a text of mine and in one breath sexting a random stranger?” and he said yes. I’m sick to my stomach. We have two young babies.
What makes it all that much worse is that in the last 2 years, where he says his addiction and depression got worse and more rampant, I have basically been a single full-time working mom. All of our arguments were because he didn’t do anything for the kids, like buy them clothes, take them to the park, connect with them, or even do simple things like cook for our family. I’ve been so emotionally exhausted and now I realize he was putting all of his effort into everything but us. He’s indefinitely at a facility as he seeks treatment and recovery; he firmly disclosed all of this and ended his marriage himself out of shame. Some questions that keep me up at night:
1. If anyone has been through this: how did you get through it emotionally? I feel so stupid. I was so trusting.
2. The kids won’t be seeing him for a while due to treatment. He is also in the military so chances are slim for when he can see them again. I just keep telling them he’s in the hospital but I feel so awful that someday they’ll have to learn their father did this. How can I best emotionally support them through this? I never imagined my kids would have divorced parents.
13 comments
Can I private chat you?
This is a tragedy and a betrayal, and I am sincerely sorry this has happened.
The man doesn’t know what he is going to lose….If you love him or have a Buddha heart you can give talk and give at least one change if that doesn’t also change him then he isn’t worthy of you.đ€đ€
We always want to see the best in others. Is that really a bad thing? To want to be trusting, to want to believe. Being the opposite and never trusting anyone would make your life hollow. You just need time, most of all do not blame yourself. You just said everyone told you he was the best. Everyone was fooled. Just move on and define exactly what you want for your future.
I found out just enough to make me realize my exH was probably doing some of the same things you mentioned above but I’ll never know how many strangers he was messaging or sleeping with. He didn’t and probably never will have the decency to admit it. I don’t know how to trust again because my brain and heart can’t comprehend how someone can be around you all day every day lying to your face, smiling and joking with you in certain moments and online sexting strangers in the next. I wish he would have just left me years ago so I wouldn’t know this kind of betrayal from him.
I would recommend therapy for yourself and play therapy for the kids if they are old enough to ask about him.
Therapy to help you deal with the emmense betrayal and help clarify your bath forward. For the kids, it is a loss to them, so they will get a way to express their feelings even though they don’t have words.
Hopefully, with therapy, you will find a way to speak with your kids and deal with them knowing their dad will not be back home.
You will recover and heal. It will take time, and you will never be the same as before, BUT you will survive.
I donât have any advice for thisâmy heart breaks for youâbut I would recommend you checkout the Surviving Infidelity subreddit. Theyâll likely have great answers and advice
I honestly have no words. Iâm just terribly sorry you and your children are going through this. My only thought is to make sure you and your kids have a good therapist and that you find a support group, maybe through your stbxhâs facility. They may have recommendations for you
He “blocked out” a memory in which he cheated on you? Gosh that must have been such a traumatic experience for him lol. Dude sounds like your average, every day loser tbh. Not the complicated, broken and tortured soul he’s trying to make himself out to be like he’s in some sort of movie.
I have no advice or words of wisdomâŠIâm sick to my stomach for you. I just wanted to send you strength and a hug.
My husband is also a porn addict, and I had no clue until everything spilled out after we were married. Itâs completely devastating. It made me doubt my own sanity, my worth, my beauty, my intelligenceâŠit was hands-down the hardest thing I have ever been through (and continue to go through).
My answer to you is, focus on you. Do your therapy. Do the work for you. Youâll realize your worth again, and forgive yourself (cause you didnât do anything wrong). Your husband is sick. It doesnât make sense to you because youâre not sick.
Itâs a slow, slow, slow healing process. And it hurts like hell. But one day, if youâre working at it, youâre going to wake up and realize it just hasnât hurt all that much lately. And you just keep going. I know it sucks that itâs not something that you can fix right now, but I promise you this feeling will pass. Sending you all the love and peace, OP. đ€ Please feel free to DM me if you ever need to vent.
The long and the short of it is that you need a good therapist and a good lawyer who is familiar with military issues. Both of these may or may not be available to you as a military spouse. You need to mention to both of these about your husbands mistreatment by the military due to his medical issues
I think disengaging from him is the only answer if you want to provide your children and you some sanity. Knowing his diagnosis, roughly, these behaviors are not surprising. There is a fairly good chance that further exposure of your kids to him will likely cause them harm mentally. Itâs a sad situation and Iâm sorry it is what it is.