About a year back I knocked back this woman’s advances at a work party. And she’s kind of been passive-aggressively bitchy to me ever since. My main reasons for knocking her back were no sleight on her — but she’s married with kids. So that was obviously a big no-no.
At the time she was drunk and accused me of being gay in front of some other co-workers (which was a little humiliating).
The problem is that her passive-aggressiveness at work has always been in a very subtle, plausibly deniable *”I was just kidding”* kind of way. A subtle neg here and a little jab there. So I’ve always just rolled with the punches and acted like it didn’t bother me. I also kind of felt like I’d be laughed out of the office for being a snowflake if I did report her over my account.
Anyway, I was happy to just not say anything. But then yesterday at work I noticed she looked kind of pissed and I needed to speak to her. But when I approached her she screamed ”OH BUZZ OFF OFF WILL YOU” in front of a bunch of customers and one co-worker and gave me this glare like she wanted to beat the crap out of me.
She’s a fresh produce manager and I’m just a normal worker. But I looked at her completely stunned by why she was screaming at me. But immediately I felt so ashamed of myself for somehow managing to draw out such a response in someone… So I immediately backed off and left her the hell alone.
Half an hour later I was minding my own business cleaning some windows in my department and she walked past and started screaming at me.
”WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?”
”YOU’RE WASTING THE PAPER TOWELS”.
”WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?”
She just wouldn’t stop screaming and it just put me in the flight-or-fight panic state and I just started freezing up.
I didn’t want her to know she was having this effect on me, of course. So I just calmly asked her if she was okay (which potentially could have come across as sarcastic as I was trying not to whimper and level out my tonality).
And she then screams ”NO. I’M NOT OKAY. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M OKAY TO YOU?!?!?! BUT THANKS FOR ASKING, YEAH?….” and gave me another glare like she wanted to throw me through a window and stormed off.
Today I made a formal complaint to upper management about her behavior. Management obliged my request to take it to HR and said they’d also speak to her. But I’ve since had some gossipy managers outside of the meeting tell me that I should *’go easy on her’* because she is having a hard time outside of work.
And I’m not sure if I’m being gaslit or what. What is the appropriate action to take?… I don’t necessarily want her fired. But I would like her to understand screaming at someone like that completely unprovoked is unacceptable & disgusting. And I feel like if I don’t stand my ground through action she will likely just continue to walk all over me.
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15 comments
100% stand your ground. That is not okay and you do not deserve to be screamed at or treated that way at work, ever.
Her hard time off work should not be your hard time at work.
It’s her job to manage her feelings and it’s her boss’s job to manage her behavior at work. If you notice, neither of those people responsible for her is you. You did the right thing. People telling you to “go easy” I recommend answering that you only care about her being able to treat you in a professional, courteous manner and that otherwise you intend to stay out of her business.
Good grief, what a hostile environment. Especially the other managers trying to excuse her nasty behavior with some outside, unrelated to work, problems.
It is extremely appropriate to report this manager.
From your story, it seems like she genuinely needs to get help— it’s kind of you to consider perspectives beyond your own, and I hope you continue to do that.
It’s often (not always) best to speak to the individual privately, on our own first.
You should document any / all occurrences with clear descriptions of actions, words, date and time.
(Are you unionized?)
Her behaviour is overtly and starkly unacceptable— especially in a workplace, and that needs to be called out, addressed, and she/management need to rectify it.
Other managers telling you to “Take it easy on her” … is not addressing the issues that she has caused / is causing with you. Which is an attempt to invalidate a series of incidents of workplace harassment. …So you document all that as well.
Once it’s understood that you’re clearly documenting all information regarding this, management will probably become more careful with you…
Anything perceived as management retaliation from a worker reporting harassment is also worthy of reporting.
While all this is happening, you might consider beginning to look for other work.
I’ve only made it one paragraph and so far you’ve described a form of workplace harassment discussed in my company’s annual harassment training video course called retaliation harassment, textbook example you got. Plus calling you gay would have been a separate thing all together for bonus points. So if I can recognize this from our training videos I’m sure hr would love to hear this.
Document document document. No one said this yet , but please document document document!
That’s sad dude, you must talk to HR.
But be nice about it.
I remember I had a Manger who was very loud, disrespectful, everybody in my department left, I was the last one.
My last day HR manager drove me home asking me what went wrong, that was the time i opened up to her for the first time Cause I didn’t care anymore , I told her this guy is just very difficult to work with and told her about things he does, she also told me about the time he yelled at her for not having something in the kitchen…
You absolutely should have reported her but given the other managers reactions I think it’s time for you to move on from this job and company. You deserve to work in a good environment where you are valued and protected from treatment like this. Good luck.
Even if she’s having a hard time personally it in no way gives her the right to treat you in such an unprofessional manner. Take it to HR, she needs to learn how to control her emotions. She needs a punching bag and she’s taking it out on you and that isn’t right. She’s completely unprofessional and THIS has nothing to do with you.
I hope that you don’t take this personally it’s all her issues. But I know that’s easier said than done.
If I were you, I would talk to a union if you have one. They can support you when you have to talk to HR about it. I’m sorry you are going through this, it is not right at all.
Management promotes people like this because normal people don’t want to boss around their coworkers at all. It tends to lead to a bad dynamic where the upper management is just dumping problems on them like crazy because they’re the lever that the manners use to control the store but they’re not paid very well and they usually work horrible hours so they’re miserable. Not everyone in these department manager positions is bad but manipulative, toxic people are the only people for whom getting to take out frustrations on a bunch of subordinates is an actual perk
Just because she’s going through something outside of work does not mean you have to put up with being her emotional punching bag. Document everything she does and continue to report.
Easier said than done, but you leave your personal life at the door when you arrive at work. On your way out of work, you leave your work life at the door.
Coworkers (subordinates, peers, or superiors) don’t need to deal with your personal problems. Family members don’t need to deal with your work problems.
However, there is a difference between having someone to lean on when the going gets tough, and lashing out because you’re at your wits end.
If you act soft now after formally complaining about her, it will be like facing a wounded tigress. She will retaliate if she senses softness. Fear of accountability must be instilled.
Besides, if stuff in her personal life is so bad that she can’t keep it from affecting her professional life, she should have taken leave or a break. Based on your account of incidents, IMO, she’s asked for a disciplinary action.
Once again, don’t back off or go soft now, after registering a formal complaint!
TAKE NO PRISONERS!