I (19F) feel like i do everything wrong in my relationship (20M)
Hello, i’m writing this because i feel like i’m not good enough and not caring enough for my boyfriend. For the record, we’ve been together for 9 months
Mostly, when he’s sad or angry i try to make him feel better and listen to him and his feelings, but according to him, i’m not doing enough of that, never, and when he says that.
Then i tell him that i do, and i love him and he just tells me that it isn’t the truth and i’m lying, when he’s mad, he always says i lie when i say i love him which breaks my heart because i have never loved anyone as much as i love him.
A couple days ago, for the first time, i sang at a jazz concert to which he couldnt come because of all his assignments he has to prepare. Knowing this, i was texting him the whole night and sending him pictures and videos to make sure he doesn’t feel left out. Everything was fine that night
On the next day, he told me that to break up with him, i said « why ? What’s wrong ? I wont leave, i love you » then he kept saying break up with me break up with me. I was panicking
Then we called and i asked to talk to him, he was really angry and sad saying that i never care, never listen and that i mock him. He also told me that i’m better off without him in music, so as a result he wants to completely stop making music together. Whenever hes mad he raises his voice at me. He tells me i never ask how he is, which i don’t understand because i ask him when i see somethings wrong :((.
I’m so sad, i feel like i’m never enough, like what i do is what a bad person would do. I feel like i’m the worst person ever.
At 1 am, we were on the phone and i was asking to talk about what happened before i went to sleep because i was so exhausted. He then told me in a passive agressive way that everything is fine, then told me to go to sleep in an annoyed voice.
When i ask him how i can help and fix the situation, he tells me that I should know the answer. I sometimes don’t and i feel so bad for that, i feel like im a bad partner :((
When i went to sleep because i was really tired, i told him that id leave my notifications on in case he needs me.
I was dead asleep because i had cried so much, it was like my whole body shut down.
Therefore i didnt hear the notifications !!
:((((
I woke up to his messages saying that « i’m not replying to them which shows that i lied when i said i would be there »
I didnt, i was just so tired !! :(((((
I dont know why we’re like this i dont know why im such a bad partner.
What are things that i can do to prove to him that i love him ?? I need help
TL;DR! : i feel like what i do is never enough for my boyfriend, like i never listen and never care enough.
4 comments
Your bf is emotionally abusing you, and you can’t do anything because abusers enjoy your subservience and your desperation to prove the calculatedly dumb shit they say is wrong. Good luck.
I’ve been here before, not too long ago.
You will never be enough for him no matter what you do, and thats okay.
You are perfect the way you are, you are not supposed to constantly drag yourself down in order to vaguely appease somebody else.
Even if you feel like he is the love of your life, you are still young, and you have a lot ahead of you. Let this dead weight go and spread your wings, it will happen sooner or later- best now than later.
You are not alone in feeling this way, admitting it is the first step to a better life.
From what you’ve described here, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve displayed the patience of a saint in the face of constant assaults on your self esteem and dignity. You’ve done everything to make him feel loved and appreciated.
This boy is trying his best to drag you down. He’s making up things to be mad at because he wants to drag you down, keep you chasing after him, always crawling for his approval, which he will never give. It gives him control, it keeps you dependent on him. He can do whatever he wants because he’s made you think you deserve any poor treatment, but you can’t do anything because he’s convinced you that you don’t deserve to.
This isn’t a healthy relationship, and it never will be. Free yourself.
I think one of two things is true:
1. You are leaving out some of your actions that would justify his reactions, or
2. You aren’t, in which case this dude is not relationship material.
When I read the beginning of this post about you listening to his feelings, I felt gross. I’ve been with my wife for many years, multiple combat deployments, and losses of friends overseas and I never impose on her a need to listen and react to my emotions/feelings.
I know it’s popular today to say it’s healthy for men to share our feelings and even cry like women do, but I actually think that is a sign of mental unhealth.
A man should strive to be a rock that can endure life’s crashing waves. Instead, he’s trying to make you his rock and seems to resent himself and you for it. Assuming no lies (including of omission) were told here, you need to dump him so he can engage in some self-improvement without punishing you throughout the process.