So some background. My BF and I met a few weeks before covid lockdown. We fell in love almost immediately. It was feverish and amazing. Lockdown happened and we had the times of our lives together. As luck would have it, within two months of us dating, my lease ended and I had nowhere to go. He offered to let me move in with him, and since I’m in NYC I jumped at the chance. We were so happy for about two months and then I realized how seriously depressed he was.
His depression defined our relationship. I did all of the cleaning, made sure he kept his appointments, helped him find a psychiatrist and therapist, encouraged him to eat right and stay active, and tried to be there for him when his job drained him. Out of everything, the hardest parts were the fact that he never cleaned up after himself and he wasn’t really interested in sex. I basically turned into his mother and my mental health was in serious decline from having to constantly clean, live in a disgusting apartment, and beg him to pick up after himself. I stayed because there was always that glimmer that things would get better and the more time I invested, the harder it became to leave. He was such a genuinely beautiful person and he was my best friend in the whole world.
Fast forward and he found the right meds and the right therapist and he’s no longer depressed. I (naively perhaps) thought it would get better immediately, but now there’s this massive learning curve for him. He’s learning how to clean and pick up after himself, he’s learning how to handle things like anger and frustration (because he never felt those things when he was depressed), and he’s learning how to communicate. While things are slowly getting better, I feel like I deserve a partner who’s already there. Someone who already knows how to keep a clean home and maturely express their feelings. Also, we still don’t have sex and that’s been so destructive for me.
Ironically, when he was depressed he had no interest in indulgences. Now he just drinks beer, smokes weed, eats take-out, doesn’t go to the gym (which was something he did religiously when he was depressed because it was his only outlet), is happy with his job (which sounds like a good thing but he has no interest in trying to move up the ladder or get promotions), and is spending tons of money on all of the things he never bought himself.
I constantly debate with myself whether to leave, but because each day I do see some improvement, I convince myself not to because I’ve come this far. Almost every single day he does something that stresses me out, and I think about leaving, but then he does something sweet or does a chore around the house and I think “see it’s getting better”!
I know that no one can tell me yes or no on whether or not I should stay, so I’m reaching out to the internet because ya’ll are usually okay with being that blunt. I know that most of you will suggest counseling, and I did set up an appointment with someone and he never responded to her emails or filled out any of the forms after the intake interview. It’s very possible that counseling will help with a lot of this, but I’m just not sure how much more time I want to invest in “fixing” things when I feel like maybe I should try to find someone who’s already the person I need. Obviously relationships need work and I could very well end up in counseling with anyone because life is hard. It’s just about how much waiting and work is too much. I want to be happy now. Is that unrealistic? Should I stay longer and try to work this out? Is that worth my time? There’s probably no real answer, but I needed to get this out there.
tl;dr BF was depressed for three years. I took care of him and ignored my needs the whole time. He’s no longer depressed and I’m still waiting for my needs to be met.
8 comments
You’re not his GF – you’re his caregiver and his enabler. Only you can decide when it’s time to get on with your own life…and hopefully before it’s too late.
>I want to be happy now. Is that unrealistic?
It is your absolute right and you deserve it.
You are a good girlfriend.
Taking care of someone depressed takes a huge toll on you as well. You didn’t budge, you endured and in the end you are a huge part of boyfriend’s recovery.
You didn’t see it but you are worn out.
>Should I stay longer and try to work this out
Yes, give it a chance.
Do things for yourself, things you enjoy, re-balance your energy now that boyfriend is better.
Take care.
I cared for my wife for more than 3y, between depression and panic/anxiety attacks.
It took a toll on my mental health, I wish I had done therapy while caring for her. It would have helped me.
I felt a bit like a parent as well. It led to disconnection between us, on my side. A couple of times I’ve needed support but she is not there yet; if let’s say we have to bring 50/50 support into the marriage for 100 which does not happen everyday, and when someone is at max 30 the other has to put in 70 to get the 100.
I consider leaving, but I’m staying (though we have close to 15y together at all). She is improving; maybe not as fast as I’d like or as I need.
However, I would compare the current situation (not the hopeful future situation inside the relationship) and being single and not finding that other perfect person (not a hopeful future situation).
How does both possible real current situations feel? Do not base your decision on the future relationship with someone ready (which you don’t know even exist). Do not base your decision on the future relationship with this man (he might grow in a different direction, or slower than you want).
He is used to you meeting all his needs and not having to meet any of yours. Why would he want that to change?
Believe me, there are other men who can occasionally do a chore around the house. Don’t spend your thirties as your boyfriend’s mother.
Even if he does change, your feelings may never come back. Long-term caregiving changes how you see him.
He’s 35 and never figured out BEFORE YOU how to clean and maturely deal with his emotions?
Girl. Come on now. He’s your child, not your partner.
Leave and find someone who can meet you where you’re at. This guy is not it.
I get being severely depressed but what was he doing before you moved with him ?
And if his place looked the way imagine it did before you moved in, why why why did you “jump” at the chance to live there ?
So many red flags so early in your relationship, why were you ignoring them until they bubbled over as they are now ?
My boyfriend is severely depressed, but he largely knows how to be an adult when it’s going better.
What daily stressful things come up?
If you’re this frustrated now, I don’t imagine it will get better quickly. It seems like this may be who he is outside of depression. Maybe you liked who you thought he would be better than the reality. If you like him better depressed, that’s a good enough reason to breakup.
From what you describe it will likely take him years to be an equal partner. Maybe you can set some boundaries to speed that up, but it will still be very slow.
Is he still dealing with depression or other mental health stuff? Drinking, avoidance of chores doesn’t exactly sound like he’s doing much better, just that he’s changed how he copes or perhaps the presentation of symptoms have changed.
I’d have a couple serious sit down discussions with him on this to make a plan to change, but if there’s no follow through you need to end it.
You could try couples counselling as well. As the caregiver you may be a bit codependent and facilitating some of his behaviours in ways you don’t realize.
But this sounds like you’re holding on to the relationship for the early days vacation within COVID, which will not come back.
At the beginning of the year I got out of a 2 year relationship with a man the same age as your boyfriend. He wouldn’t clean, he wouldn’t meet any of my emotional needs, and we didn’t have sex. He always said it was depression/anxiety. I never felt like a real girlfriend, and always thought maybe I deserved more but had hope it would get better because there were always glimmers of hope. He became seriously ill and I would’ve done anything to help him through it. I helped him bathe, dress, toilet. Whatever he needed I did it. During this time his depression worsened and he was very, very angry at me. I stopped visiting him in the hospital. I found out around this time he had been on dating apps for a long time. I never was a “real” girlfriend to him, which is exactly how I felt despite us having a great time together and being best friends. It was hard at first to break up with him. Since we broke up, I have had the best 6 months of my life. I put myself on the back burner during our relationship because I cared so much and had so much to give. I’ve taken up new hobbies, made new friends, lost a lot of weight, and am excelling in my work life. My ex and your boyfriend are grown men. There is no excuse for their behavior. You and I are very, very giving people and it’s easy to take advantage of and for us to give the benefit of the doubt. My experience made me realize I am a great partner and would walk to the ends of the earth for someone I love. I feel embarrassed of myself that I let myself be treated like that but I will never do that again. You deserve better.
If you’re not ready, Perhaps you can set a deadline. If he is not capable of doing x in 3 months, you leave.