I (25f) am in a biomedical sciences PHD and taking classes. For one of our classes we had to come up with an out-of-the-box research idea to share with our small discussion group. My professor is really nice and tried to be encouraging, and in our review said that he wants to see me being more engaged. I tried really hard on this project and emailed him my ideas for feedback ahead of time. He gave me positive feedback and some questions to consider, and I adjusted my presentation accordingly. Today while I was presenting, a smart girl in the class who is more of an expert in the field, cut me of and said, “Well that sounds dangerous…” Then everyone started laughing at me. I felt super stupid, so I just kind of put my notes away. I was trying not to cry, but the professor kept trying to ask me questions. I basically just shut down and started crying. He tried to say something nice about my idea to the class by saying something like, “I was skeptical too at first, but…” Why didn’t he give me that feedback then? He just said my idea was good?
Then I tried to get out of there quickly at the end of class because I was so embarrassed. He ran out after me to try to talk to me, which I know was nice, but it made me feel worse because I just needed to get away from the situation. Now I feel so anxious and embarrassed and like I can’t face my classmates ever again. I tried asking to switch class groups but don’t know if they will let me.
HOW DO YOU HANDLE INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE WHO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE ALREADY EMBARASSED YOURSELF IN FRONT OF?
TLDR: I cried in class and now feel too embarrassed to face my classmates or professor again.
50 comments
U know some of the most dangerous ideas are the ones that actually changed the world. Someone gave himself a virus and boom we have a cure today, someone strapped a wing to themselves and today we have airplanes.
Everyone have bad days, you just had yours. Does that define you no, no one will remember what happened a year from now. So go have some ice cream and forget about this
Think about the last time someone you know had an embarrassing moment. Now try to remember the last time a stranger you were around had an embarrassing moment.
Hard, right?
The harsh, and comforting (to me) reality of the world is that no one cares nearly as much about you as you do. They just don’t. If it’s brought up, say you were having a bad day, smile, and move on.
No one cares in the long term.
So, focus on you, focus on keeping up with those notes your professor gave you, and keep going forward.
Honestly, I’d be surprised if there are that many people who get through a PhD without breaking down a few times, and the kind of pettiness your classmate displayed is, unfortunately, common. I say this as someone who is also working on one and who knows many people who have/are.
You should probably talk to the professor – they are trying to help and they know full well how difficult this whole process is. I expect the way they worded their response in class was an attempt to mediate between you and your classmate while ultimately supporting your idea.
Don’t lose your confidence! If I’d been in your class I would have judged the girl who yelled out during your presentation. Like does she have social skills?? Unless her goal was to embarrass you, she needs a lesson in classroom etiquette. I think the best thing you can do is continue going to class as if it didn’t happen. I know. “Just brush it off!” Seems easier said than done and not helpful advice, but it’s probably the best course of action here. Honestly you are thinking about it way more than your classmates. For a while it will just feel ick, but each day will get better. If you really feel like you need to clear things up with your professor, go at it in a joke-y way. “Hey professor, it’s me the girl who cried in your class haha. I guess I need some more feedback since my idea seems so dangerous!”
Good luck! And again I would NOT have judged you at all!
Hey hon, go home have a really good cry. Drink a glass of wine if you drink then wash up and look at your project again.
Next time you have a class or a presentation and someone cuts you off here’s what I want you to say and do.
“Thank you for your feedback, but please hold questions and comments for the end of my presentation.” And continue with what your saying.
You had a bad day and that’s ok! It happens! The girl was rude to cut you off, and the professor should have helped you keep control go the classroom. But you also learned a hard lesson today.
People are cruel and if you do not stand up to them, they will continue to get a rise out of you. ITS OK IT YOUR IDEA OR PROJECT HAS SAFETY CONCERNS. When you’re innovating and exploring, there is risk involved. You’re in a science field. Babes, it is ok to ask a question or present an idea and it not pan out. That’s the point of the scientific method.
Have a good cry today and tonight, then for your next class/presentation remember that YOU did the work. Remember that it is YOUR time, not hers or anyone else’s. You have control of that room and no one gets to take that away from you when it’s your project and presentation. Good luck future doctor. You got this.
Don’t let this situation interfere with your studies. You are young and will soon be a PHD! I don’t think anyone will comment on this in class anymore. And if someone bothers you about it, fight back.
It’s okay to cry. You are okay.
In my PhD program, everyone embarrassed themselves in some way or another at some point either in class or outside of class. You learn to laugh it off eventually.
That said, you will be questioned a lot and you will need to be able to take harsh criticism in this field. Scientists can be dicks. This is something you will hopefully get used to as you progress through your program.
First, I’ve definitely cried during presentations, give yourself some grace.
Second, I’m curious to hear what makes you think a peer in your same class is more of an “expert” than you? Your professor is the expert and he gave you positive feedback ahead of time.
Third, the most effective treatment for anxiety is exposure. Go to back to class the next day. if it helps, email your professor and ask if they can talk before class. You left abruptly and I get it, given the context, but fleeing situations and not addressing it after the fact does not look good.
Your professor sounds like they would be understanding.
Honestly, I don’t think that person was being mean or making fun of you, I think she was just clowning around.
I’m a smart ass and I would have replied, “danger makes it FUN!”
And so what? Clearly your idea wasn’t complete shit. Our professor would have told you if it was.
You way overreacted. It happens. Go back to class, and see what happens.
I will suggest that you have incredibly poorly controlled anxiety and that you should speak to a doctor about it.
> I basically just shut down and started crying. He tried to say something nice about my idea to the class by saying something like, “I was skeptical too at first, but…” Why didn’t he give me that feedback then? He just said my idea was good?
You’re not alone. I’ve definitely had moments where I struggled to process during my PhD program. The complexity of this issue compounds with the pressure to perform well, high stress, lack of sleep, hunger, etc. The PhD is at best, a fun time to experiment and try new things, and at worst, the perfect recipe for a breakdown.
Your professor didn’t give you positive feedback before because it didn’t occur to them. A lot of times in PhD we’re conditioned to be critical. It helps us analyze things but it also, unfortunately, causes us to miss the bigger picture. Your classmate and instructor may have focused on one aspect of your project and not the bigger picture, they also may have not realized how you were feeling during this whole ordeal. It’s really common to have a tough QnA and you were probably actually holding your composure better than you think (prior to crying). I’ve seen people get really shakey, I’ve even seen them faint. It doesn’t discount their ability to do science imo – presentations suck, I think a lot of scientists can empathize.
> HOW DO YOU HANDLE INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE WHO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE ALREADY EMBARASSED YOURSELF IN FRONT OF?
You just do. It helps to remember that we are our own worst enemies. We remember our own mortifications better than anyone else and we are more critical of ourselves than others are. So be forgiving.
Ok my embarrassing story that’ll I’ll probably delete later. I once was giving a presentation during my PhD and halfway through, I realized I had leaked so had bled through my pants and every time I turned to face the chalkboard the rest of the class was seeing my bleeding pants. I noticed this because I had leaned against a white stool mid-presentation, and when I got up, I saw the blood on the stool and I immediately gasped and started crying. I apologized and I left. I heard a couple people say it was fine as I walked out. Came back next day, never addressed it, like nothing happened. I cringed internally for a long time and now whenever something unfortunate happens I just remember how bad it felt bleeding in front of that room and I’m oddly comforted because I survived that and everything was fine and I’m defending my thesis in 1 month.
You’re brilliant and strong. You will get better and you will be fine.
Let’s default to the worst situation.
You came up with a bad idea, failed remarkably, presented it publicly, and were embarrassed in front of your peers.
This year, a young rising star cyclist named Remco Evenepoel was predicted to win the Vuelta De Espana, but had a complete meltdown on stage 13, losing 27 minutes off the lead. He was 1 minute off the leader the day before. I can’t explain to you how insane that much of a loss of time is unless you watch cycling, but it’s almost unheard of for a General Classification leader to unravel like that.
“A total unraveling.” “How Embarrassing.” “What’s he going to do now?” Was the question on everyone’s mind. He was out of the game for overall winner. A lot of people thought he would drop out of the race, afraid to show his face the next day out of shame.
Instead, he came back for stage 14 and absolutely dominated everyone, holding the lead for almost the entire time, winning the stage and most combatitive on an absolutely grueling cheesegrater of a mountain stage through the Pyranees. He would go on to win two more stages and end the overall as ‘king of the mountains,’ taking home a jersey and a significant amount of money for the title.
“An absolute masterclass.” “The epitome of a professional.” “The biggest star on the rise in the sport.”
The script changed in one day from the biggest meltdown in history, to the biggest comeback in history. How we deal with failure (in any form) matters a lot to the image we portray to others.
So yes, something bad happened, and you’re embarrassed — but people only remember how we fall, when we refuse to get back up. Get back up, and go back into your class with your head held high. Your classmates and especially your teacher will respect you more tomorrow than they did before this happened, trust me.
Ignore it, pretend it never happened, and most importantly: learn from it. Be a better version of yourself today and tomorrow, what’s in the past is in the past.
Smart girl or not, she is in a class, so she is not an expert. Your professor is an expert. Listen to your professor and screw chickeepoo. She’s an AH with no manners.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear now however there is so much growth in this experience ❤️
Sometimes things get dangerous to be able to solve a problem and good for you for having the courage to do that!
That girl was most likely jealous of you in some way and deflected with her comments.
Take a deep breath. Email your teacher. It was an emotional moment. It’s okay to have feelings
I had a super rough time at Grad school and had some nasty classmates. Just buckle up and move forward. I’ve been graduated for a year now and it’s completely in the past. You won’t even remember those rough days as the years pass and it’ll be a blip in your overall career.
You’ve got this!
He liked your project and totally didn’t see any danger and is saving face by backing that other woman up.
Anyway, everyone ends up crying in grad school. It’s why I’m nervous about my favorite students that I send off to it. If your classmates are dicks about it, please know that someday they will be in your shoes.
I feel like crying at some point during post-graduate schooling is a rite of passage. I don’t know a single person with a post-grad who DIDN’T cry at least once.
Young lady, pull up your big girl pants. Your professor was trying to get you to complete your information on your research. That would have shut down that “know it all”. Her response was very rude, immature, disrespectful and unprofessional. You need to tell your professor you want to do it again. In the real world you are going to have those types of people trying to discredit you, don’t let them.
I totally empathize with this. I’m way too emotional in my work life myself and it’s a huge issue. Careful with showing emotions in work context. I wish you all the best. <3
The girl shouldn’t have said that. No matter how BAD a presentation is, you never belittle the presenter, especially if it’s a fellow classmate that is not trying to sell you the moon but is just trying to survive a challenging program. I don’t know how to make you feel better but I’d like you to fully understand she was a grade A assh*le and your feelings are absolutely valid. Unfortunately you will encounter more in the future but your skin will get tougher believe me.
PhD is tough. Everyone cries inside and internalizes their mental.struggles. dont be afraid to express yourself.
I’m unsure if my feedback will be helpful or not but figured I’d share my experiences. I’m certainly not PhD student, but have an advanced diploma in HR. Only recently acquired but the majority of my work experience has been in sales, primarily telecom.
The only reason I mention this is often in telecom, there is no firm training program, you learn as you go and are wrong so many times until you are not. I used to find it a bit embarrassing, but realized at the end of the day my clients were not concerned about me being wrong as long as I could find the right answer, they just didn’t want their time wasted with me trying to not be embarrassed.
So for me, I just did my best to try and laugh it off OR not address my own personal feelings at the moment. I had a customer about a month ago who came up with their husband and their child, we dealt with them for about an hour, it was a long conversation and near the end, their kid (an infant) was being silly and made a bunch of sounds, I said their son was adorable and reminded me of my son. The wife batted back very quickly saying “this is my daughter not my son.”. I was embarrassed because I generalized, the kid was dressed in clothing that I’ve seen targeted towards boys, so it was my fault for assuming.
After they corrected me, I just said oh I’m so sorry for my confusion, but that was adorable none the less and just moved on with the conversation. I found that the longer you focus on these little blips or embarrassing moments, the more power they have over you.
While you may have cried and feel embarrassed, you know your content and it’s okay to be wrong! Maybe the teacher didn’t provide you all of the feedback you wanted to feel safer in the presentation, but (not to sound cheesy) that’s life, you don’t always have the answers or the control to ser what will happen. But do your best to keep your head up, try and make light of the situation, and move forward. While it’s easier to say than it is to do, this will become something to laugh about in your later years as an academic and a professional. Keep on pushing and try to stay positive 🙂
You didn’t embarrass yourself. That woman and the people who laughed at you were incredibly rude, and honestly many people would have reacted the way you did. I probably would have.
Your professor sounds kind. I would go and see him during office hours to explain that you now feel too intimidated to go back to class, and does he have any advice for you.
Hopefully that girl felt embarrassed that she made a classmate cry in front of her peers. I know I’d feel super uncomfortable if I tried to make a joke and the butt of it started crying as a result.
It’ll be okay. Stay focused on your goals and be kind to yourself. A successful life is really built on a series of failures. You’re gonna have to put yourself out there, and embarrassment is the cost of admission.
I’m gonna be 100% serious here, even though it sounds like a pisstake, so just bear with me.
It’s called the “no fucks” mentality. Basically, you select the people whose opinions you care about – the people who you respect most – and disregard the opinions of all others.
Basically, think “so what if they don’t like me? I don’t wang them to like me at all.”
Little be contrived and convoluted but hopefully you could deduce the messads
It would’ve made me like and respect you more. Crying kind of shows you care deeply if that makes sense. And I’m sure your colleagues feel the same. Everyone would’ve been on your side
You need a vacation
I just went through something like this. I discussed with my therapist, and she said that sometimes, when we’re going through a stressful time (like a huge project, a presentation in front of people, grad school in general) we use up our resources. Something comes out of left field and just knocks the crap out of us in a way that it ordinarily would not.
Maybe you don’t have the resources right now to deal with a snotty comment from someone who thinks they’re better than you and never learned that you don’t interrupt a presentation? Maybe right now you don’t have the resources to deal with the embarrassment of this whole situation?
But that doesn’t mean you’re *never* going to have them.
Everyone makes mistakes. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but it’s not. If those classmates never see you again, *that*’s going to be your legacy. If you show up next class and just hang in there, this will all blow over.
I would act as if nothing happened. And i would have taken a dose of valerian before class (as needed). I have a feeling that the smart girl might be feeling bad for hurting your feelings and making you cry.
If she doesn’t apologize, then i would totally ignore her and… Act as if nothing happened. (It’s typica for l me though)
Dude I cried in an undergrad class and so did some of my friends. (It was physics, we were bio majors lol) It’s SUPER embarrassing and really frustrating, but honestly, it gets better with time. I won’t say people will forget, but like… who cares? That girl is a butthole and that’s much more embarrassing, IMO.
I can almost guarantee the professor has experienced this before and it’s clear they feel for you, so I’d lean into that and talk to them.
Good luck!
You laugh it off..we call cry at grad school
I am sorry.
forgive yourself. we’re all human. have faith that people understand. im gonna keep you in my thoughts. on a more practical note it would be good to learn grounding techniques and maybe box breathing.
And will this matter in less say:80 years from now ? No! None of us are getting out of this alive. I suggest you not waste 5 mins of your precious time or energy pondering or worried of this.
You just go back and ignore that bitch- she was rude for interrupting you.
You fell off the horse. You get back on again.
The poison is the antitdote.
Just. Show. Up.
You can do this.
Email your professor and see what he wanted to say. It sounded like he was trying to help you by drawing you out with questions.
Crying is fine, it’s just a way to release tension. Think of it that way next time.
Oh- and have this snappy line ready for next time. “Thanks for your input Karen but we aren’t at the point where you get to talk yet.”
It’s all good. PhD is stressful and specially in the beginning everyone is trying to be a smart ass or trying to show they know more about things than they do.
Rule number uno – embrace being the curious idiot. Stop caring about what others think and start caring about getting to the bottom of things to clarify your understanding. There will be so many people who put you down, more if you’re a woman or minority – you cannot get caught up in those ego battles. Develop your assertive/curious voice and learn to disagree scientifically.
You gotta get right back on the horse that bucked you off.
Walk in with your head held high. Some may laugh but the smart ones worth knowing will respect you.
You should talk to the girl that cut you off and tell her that it is inapropiate of her to throw comments and ridicule you. And that she should bring her views in the discussion later.
If someone should feel embarased it should have been this girl that destroyed your presentation. Also the Proffesor should address this and tell the students that it is not apropiate to throw comments at the pressenter until the discussion later.
This sounds like a PHD environment? Although people here have high education and know things well within their field, you should not have to high expectaions about other areas.
My best advice is to walk back into class with confident grace, as if you own the place and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with falling apart now and then.
Tell yourself and anyone who asks, that was your ice breaker. You don’t need to hide from emotions or be embarrassed because emotions are just a thing everyone has and sometimes they get really big.
Acting like you don’t care and don’t even remember is the answer.
Alternatively, you can take the bull by the horns and simply tell the class you felt a bit overwhelmed but it’s all good and you’ve moved on.
I worked in for a grad program. It happens at least once every semester. Your classmates don’t want to face you because they are more likely to be embarrassed by the way they acted.
This is the most 20s thing I’ve ever heard. You’re good, you need several years of distance to know that this is nonsense and you were fine. You’re studying to make mistakes and ask questions. You’re not supposed to know everything.
Also, a big secret about adulthood once you get out of school……. a lot of people are really dumb. Even those who have high educations and degrees. They do things that are completely stupid and often they get rewarded for their stupidity. The benefit? You get to point out their flaws and talk shit to your coworkers and friends while slowly dying inside, but you’ll switch jobs every couple years and experience repentance before sinking into the same shit, but hey, hopefully you’re getting paid more.
That sucks, it must’ve been hard to go through. It seems like your class may be challenging, and the comment from the girl may have pushed your stress levels a little too far.
People have bad days, as hard as it may be; best thing to do is to take it day by day. Maybe when you feel like you are having a hard time coping, you could focus on your breathing and reassure yourself that it will be okay.
Alot of stuff is only as good or bad as you make it or let it be, it could be a memory you can use on reflection in the future about how well you will do in the class. Just don’t beat yourself up over it, we all have our moments.
Im sorry but if someone getting a phd cried in front of me I would still be intimidated by them.
We cry when we feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and a big part of it might have been because you were tired.
You should focus on resting and being kind to yourself. If others choose to be unkind, thats something they have to take to bed—not you. Make sure your goal is getting your phd and working your butt off—regardless of anyone’s criticism. Your peers perception of you is only a grain of salt compared to the whole salt shaker in the end.
The reason your professor wasn’t fazed, chose kindness, and tried to talk things out with you—is because he knows all of this and alot of people have been there at one point or another.
What if your idea was the dumbest idea ever? I doubt it was, but even if that’s the case the assignment is over and you finished that.
And what if your mini-breakdown was completely embarrassing? Each ounce of embarrassment is converted into an equal amount of badass-ness when you show up next time because you don’t give a shit, or at least don’t give so much of a shit that you stay home.
Not able to resist the chance to give a PhD a prescription, I’m writing you up a dose of 8-Mile – a movie that makes quite a thing about overcoming embarrassment.
Good luck tomorrow, and if you see that woman, smile and say good morning to her. I mean, why not? She doesn’t matter at all.
Act as if nothing happened because you did nothing wrong, you did not embarrass yourself, your classmates are the ones who embarrassed you and laughed at you, they should apologise to you
Hey! You’re in a PhD program, at 25, and coming up with interesting new ideas that people are challenging and criticizing. That’s awesome!
Hey,
First of all, everything is fine and will be fine when it comes to the group-mates.
I’m going to assume something you won’t like, since I know nothing about you aside this post.
You have to put some work on your self-esteem and self-worth, it’s understandable to be anxious or insecure,but it feels like this breakdown was a moment of accumulation between many things in your life.
Consider a therapist, they can be quite helpful!
.