So for a little bit of context, this goes back to when I was 22. As stupid as this whole thing was, my family did not approve of my boyfriend (27 at the time).
So my parents had some serious issues with another family in our town. It was a really stupid and very typical Texas rivalry. I’ve never gotten the full story, but it had something to do with oil in some capacity, and some kind of debate over a plot of land. I really don’t know. The story sounds dumb.
One night I was at a party with my friend and I met this guy who turned out to be the son of the guy that my parents hated, which by order of association, made him hated.
I won’t give the explicit details, but at this party me and this guy ended up getting along really well, and we had…cuddled. Over the course of the next few days, we spent a lot of time together, and eventually we were caught…cuddling.
My dad threatened him, but he kept his composure. He told me that I would never be able to see him again. I was 22 mins you, and despite my constant explanations that I liked him, I was considered a stain on the family.
His family acted similar. He was always the least spoiled and most humble out of them. He had just gotten out of the army at the time, and his dad ended up telling him that he wouldn’t get a cent from him if he kept seeing me. His mom was a little more gentle, and attempted to talk to his dad, though nothing changed.
I kept seeing him, just being quiet about it. One day my dad followed me and found us together. He ordered me in the car and explained that if I kept associating with that family (meaning him) I would be out of the house, and he wouldn’t spare any money for the rest of my schooling.
I walked out of the house and never went back. We have since married and have two children together. We don’t live in the same town anymore, and we have both become very successful in our respective fields.
My mom, out of the blue, contacts me with a novels length apology, claiming that she made the biggest mistake of her life letting me leave. She also expressed remorse over not even knowing that I was married, and that she had grandchildren.
She asked if she could take a weekend trip to visit us and get to know her son-in-law and her two grand babies.
I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do about this. It’s my mother, and I want my kids to meet her, but after all the trouble, I don’t know if I’ll ever trust her again. I want a perfect world where my kids have a relationship with their grandma, but the perfect world aspect has long since passed.
How do you think I should do this? I’m honestly really confused.
46 comments
If you’re considering letting her back into your life, maybe start with baby steps. How about a video call before planning any visits? This way, you can gauge her sincerity and see how she interacts with your family without committing too much.
She let her own child get kicked out of the house over some inane rivalry like yall were Romeo and Juliet.
I’d tell her to never come back but 🤷🏾♀️
If you do let her back in make sure you set some very clear boundaries around the family rivalry stuff. And if any boundary is broken she should know that access will be cut permanently and immediately
Ok. So…this sounds like Romeo and Juliette with a different ending.
Do not let the person who cut you off and disapproved waltz back into your lives and immediately have access to your kids.
She needs to establish a relationship with you first. If that works, then the next step is for your mother to establish a relationship with your DH.
If both you and DH are comfortable with her, then decide together if you want her in your kids’ lives. Remember, this is a woman who had a nasty relationship with your adult neighbors, arbitrarily hated your now DH because of it, and then cut you off. Does she deserve access to you, DH, and your precious kids?
Sounds like she only reached out because of your kids. If you reach out to her, leave your kids out of it for the first few interactions. If she’s genuinely remorseful and wants to repair the relationship then she will understand. If she gets upset you’re keeping the kids from her, then you know she has grandbaby rabies.
In any case, I highly recommend keeping your kids away from her until you know her true intentions.
Inthink yiu need to look at a couple
Things . 1 . What does your husband say . 2 . Do you think she is genuine in her remorse and we’re you close before the problems . 3. Is it possible your mom was unable to stand up to your dad for any number of reasons . 4 how will this affect her and your dad , will he take it out on her
Info: did you cut ties with his family also? Before doing all in, I would withhold the kids from meeting the stranger that is your mom in a grad reunion. I would met her with your husband alone to understand why the change of heart. I feel like you are being somehow set up. I don’t believe this will end well. I have a feeling there will be rugsweeping and fingers pointed elsewhere. Finally, yes she is your mom but do you really trust her at this point. Proceed very cautiously.
Is your dad still a factor in this? If they’re still together and a package deal I would say no way if he hadn’t reached out to apologize as well.
If your dad isn’t a factor, then I would cautiously explore a relationship with your mother if that’s what you want. A relationship with the real her, not some idealized relationship with a doting grandmother for your kids. You need a rock solid relationship with her, and your husband needs a decent relationship with her, before you expose your kids to her.
Offspring can make people act weird. They’ll say and do anything for access to the kids for their own selfish needs, not what is best for their children or grandchildren. I would just be cautious about moving forward.
Say no
No. She doesn’t get to meet your children until she mends, to your satisfaction, her relationship with you, then your husband. She has to earn your trust and relationship back as mother before she gets to be a grandmother.
Ya same old story, happened to me to got my friends married in similar situation, thou then after all settled but not dads still don’t see eye to eye or join common function n party’s,
Don’t be too harsh, ust take ur kids with ur husband n meet her at a common location like a restaurant or hotel for a day, test how things go n her reaction then plan next long stays, but take ur husband with u n also ur kids, in the same time also meet ur inlaws if they r in good terms with its hometown of both of u
If it is just your mother, I would meet up. If your father and/rest of your family wants to come, then absolutely not. How is your relationship with his family now?
UpdateMe
Just keep in mind that there might be another agenda. at 63 years old, she might have decided to reconnect with you as she is getting older and needs your help.
It’s been 7 years, no, she can’t meet your kids. You need to meet her for a lunch and see if she changed.
Im willing to bet someone is sick and now she has the guilts.
If you think it will benefit your life then let her in, if not then don’t.
What does your husband think?
Personally I wouldn’t go back. She had a long time to reflect and it went past a day, past a week, past a month and past a year.
They owe you both an apology but I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t accept it.
It sounds like most of this drama was because of your dad. If he had your mom under his thumb I’d cut her a break. He can kick rocks
Do what you *want* to and not what you feel you *ought* to.
Let her in. People do stupid things and make stupid choices they don’t know how to undo. She’s your mother and she regrets what happened. Maybe meet her for lunch first to talk but accept her apology and move forward.
You are a little light on your mom’s attitude during this whole thing. Was she 100% behind your dad’s statements and actions. Was she just falling in line with him or was she trying to make peace. To me that would make a big difference.
I fall in the camp of baby steps. Talking on the phone, then video calls, then one on one meetings and decide at each step whether you want to go further.
Your mother sound slightly abused with no voice in her marriage. She did try to speak and have compassion for you and nothing changed. She came to you without him. Despite him. Give her a chance until she proves otherwise.
Someone needs an organ.
Your husband has the answer. He was disrespected & loathed by your family for something he had nothing to do with. I would also be curious as to your mother’s expectations further down the line. Does your father know she’s contacted you? If he is left in the dark about this & you do decide she can come, your inviting your father’s drama back into your life. Another possibility is your father has had a change of heart, but his ego won’t allow him to contact you, so he’s put your mother up to it with the expectation to slide into acceptance by association. You & your husband definitely need to talk about all possible outcomes & agree to what, if anything is acceptable & what is not.
I would suggest talking on the phone and getting to know each other from a distance for a while. If you were in the same town, I would suggest lunch out. Having her just show up at your house and try to be OK with it again it’s too much.
It’s been 7 years since you walked away from home why open that can of worms now? Is it your curiosity or your regrets or is it your walk down memory lane? I would suggest a few public meetings just you and mom for coffee or whatever but try to find out more why now? Then bring your husband along for a few more meetings but be cautious because you have to remember your dad is some where in the picture and either your mom has a agenda or your father does, maybe both together.
She didn’t come looking for you until she learned there were grandbabies. Make of that what you will. She’s not here to reconcile, just to get access.
Where is your dad in all this? Is he going to bring the drama? Did he pass away?
I’m a bit worried how when she first contacts you she immediately makes demands to meet your children over a weekend trip.
First she needs to re-build a relationship with you – their MOTHER before she gets access to your children. I mean, it sounds like she would have kept you out of her life but now you have children so suddenly she is so sorry (but lemme see them grandkids stat).
I would take everything very, very slowly until you yourself have build a relationship with her and then you some trust in her. I would not expose your children to a woman whose last interaction with their mum was to stand by while she was cast her out of the family.
You need to feel this new relationship out. I mean, how does she feel about your husband? If she is envisioning a relationship with you and the kids but remains hostile to your fella, how would that work out? What if your children do something she doesn’t like – will she cut them off suddenly to show her displeasure like she did with you? Is your dad and the rest of your family feeling remorseful or are they still hostile to you? How will the wider family treat your children?
I would have a chat with your husband and write out a list of questions, concerns, issues etc that you may need to raise with her as you get to know her and slowly re-establish a relationship. A red flag would your mum be wanting to rush the “getting to know you” stage and just want to get to the “meeting the grandkids stage” – that indicates she is not really remorseful, she just wants access to your grandkids.
Proceed with the utmost caution OP. Start slowly just with the adults involved. You need to fully trust any adults who you plan to give access to your children, as they are vulnerable to harsh words and deeds.
Mayby start with just you and her to see if this feels like a good idea. After some months can you let husband join as well.
Built some trust if there is a ground for it, before jumping in the deep end of the pool.
Good luck.
Never invite trouble into your home.
In case you BOTH have decided to let go of the past –
Start small
– husband and you should schedule joint phone calls for 3 months once a week
Video calls for next 3 months-
These will enable you both to discern overt and covert views, behaviour, treatment …
Only if all is well, she can visit- even then not to stay at your place- book her at a hotel.
Meet outside the house only. Introduce your kids to their grand parent outside the home.
There is a lot of work to be done before it becomes a loving relationship
Don’t rush the process of reconciliation- do it slowly to get it right.
Discuss boundaries with your husband and state these upfront
Best wishes
It’s way too soon to introduce her to your husband or kids.
If she’s genuinely repentant, first she must slowly rebuild your trust and show she’s sincere. And that will take time. Any meetings should be just you two for the foreseeable future.
Juliette?
You need more information
What happened between them and the family
Why was that more important than their own child
Does your dad know your mom contacted you
Both families lost kids. Does she feel bad for her part in that
She cant rug sweep this
Only honesty will get you to consider forgivness. No honesty, no chance
If she is still with your dad, that would be a nonstarter with me. She can’t be that sorry if she’s still with such an evil man. Obviously, you can do whatever you want, but that would be my condition unless he also seriously apologizes and shows genuine remorse. I get wanting your mom in your life, but man did she burn that bridge. I think I would speak with a therapist about slowly reintroducing her into your life. I would give her some kind of ultimatum that If she ever even shows the least little bit of being unsupportive of you and your family, you will never speak to her again. Her betrayal will deeply hurt you for the rest of your life. It’s possible she was just married to an evil man, but I wish you the best as this situation would screw anyone up.
A simple “no” will do. They chose a petty rivalry over you. They can keep the rivalry.
No! No visit..
Keep in mind that women are very regularly controlled by their partners. She may not have even really cared so much about the drama but had to support your father above all for her own safety and security in the world. I would offer her the chance to come and talk to me first and then if that went well to meet your family.
If you want to, I would start communicating by text and then by phone. Don’t send photos of your children. If you choose to meet her, do so alone (or bring a friend) for the first couple meetings. Then meet her with your husband several times. Feel out what the relationship might look like if you continue. Where does your father stand? What did they tell your family and hometown community about you? How is she planning on making things right?
Don’t introduce her to your children for at least 6 months. If she cannot wait with grace and patience, do not move forward with the relationship. I would also refrain from accepting any money or gifts from her. And see a family law attorney to make sure that you protect yourselves from grandparents rights threats or anything like that. Do you have siblings or were you their only child?
Before you get your kids involved in this, get to know her again first (if you want to do so), and choose a point in the future that you’d feel comfortable with them meeting her after you’ve properly gauged her sincerity.
I would choose a two-part plan, like “after 6 months and 10 video calls” or something similar.
Also, be sure to ask your husband if he’s okay with this, first and foremost. He was also caught up in this drama and lost his family over it, too.
No kids until you iron out her intentions, her apology addresses her wrong doing and she is stable enough to introduce the children to.
Just off the title:
NO
She abandoned, you she has no right to meet your kids and be a granny!
Edit:
Read the whole post and it cemented my opinion! Both families hated each other and threatened both of you with being disowned! In the end they abandoned you and now mommy wants to be a granny?! No
It was all due to a stupid and petty rivalry! The least they could’ve done was get to know your husband but nope they didn’t
It’s up to you, OP, but remember that nothing will stop them from telling your kids “You’re acting this way because you have that family’s blood” whenever the kids do something they don’t like!
Absolutely do not let her near your children until she has proved to you and your husband that she has changed. Meet her alone – she can make the effort to travel – none of this video call nonsense. Then if she’s not playing some sort of game, the next time/day she can meet your husband. And once she’s convinced him she’s trustworthy, then she can be told information about your children and she can build a relationship very slowly. But I would hesitate with all of this if your dad is still against it. You do not want your children on the receiving end of his bizarre hatred of half their bloodline.
Take it slow. You should meet up with her and see if this is genuine and why after years of not talking she’s made the change. You need to build the relationship before she meets the kids. Also have her build the relationship with your husband. You don’t know what her intentions are and you don’t want her bad mouthing your husband to the kids. Also make clearly boundaries and guidelines. If they have money, your mom might want to have a relationship with the grandkids and not your husband, which isn’t okay. She might try and buy the grandkids love. She also might try and shoehorn your dad into the relationship with the kids without him apologizing to you and your husband
I suspect she has been thinking about this for a long time. I like the idea of the baby steps! My hope is that this leads to some healing.
I would meet with her alone at least a couple of times first, then with your husband, to test the waters before I would even consider allowing her to meet my kids. You said yourself that you don’t fully trust her. I’m not introducing my children to someone until I trust them fully, and even then, no visits to her home, and you always stay with your kids.
I also noticed she called with the intention of meeting your kids, not you and your husband. Red flag.
If u really want to Reconcile with her u start slow . Just u at first start with video calls and texting in semi daily basis then u introduce your husband and after a while if u still think it’s a good idea for her to meet your kids do it just don’t let her meet them for her not to be remorseful and do something u don’t like by then your kids could be attached to her and its to late to cut contact.