Update: my (26F) husband (42M) got another woman pregnant while I was already pregnant.

47 comments

1. You have to do what’s right for you. The only suggestions I really have are to ALWAYS maintain an exit strategy. Always have a job. Always have enough SEPARATE savings to get away if you need to. Give birth in the city you wish to reside in for the rest of your life, even if you separated.

2. There is a saying “once a cheater always a cheater” for a reason. But this is your choice and I hope for you that it will be the right one and that he doesn’t take it for granted.

3. OP please know that the journey is going to be long. You and your partner are expecting a child and that will undoubtedly bring more stress (and joy), but please know that choosing to raise a child with this man does not mean you have to forgive him.

   After the kid turns two/three, after you’re out the baby crying through the night and diapers phase, you might look back and see that what he did was unforgivable and that’s okay too.

   Take as much time as you need and keep your mind in staying healthy for you not just the little one within you.

   Seeing as your partner hasn’t been found ti have the best judgement, and based on his actions I’m assuming you’re finding it hard to trust him, open a separate bank account that only you know about and start saving just in case, develop an escape plan (where and who will you go to), look up divorce laws in states you may want to settle in and in your current state (what does custody typically look like). Better to have it and not need it and all that jazz.

4. When you stay with a cheater you tell them that you are ok with being cheated on. Once your baby comes and the reality of a new born hits, he’ll be back in her arms. Or someone else’s. I recommend you regularly get STD tested through out your pregnancy for the health of the baby.

5. This was a bummer to read. I imagine you’re feeling insanely vulnerable being pregnant but you’ve essentially told him you’re okay being cheated on. I imagine a lot of regrets in your future but I hope for the best for your child

6. He didn’t tell you about this affair out of guilt he told you because she became pregnant.

   He’s still gaslighting you. The bare minimum he can do it find a new job and get a new number.

   Best of luck to you.

7. As advice, I would say to make sure you have your own bank account with your savings and ask your husband to give you x amount per month (it can be small, at least 100 dollars) that goes into your account. You need money for an exit strategy if let’s say, you are backed into a corner and need to get a hotel for a few nights or cannot stand him and you want to leave.

   Make sure you have your ID, social security number, in a safe place that your husband does not know where it is. If you have valuable things, even sentimental, take them to your sister or a friend.

   If you don’t have a support network, sign up for mommy classes and make friends with other pregnant women or moms.

   I wouldn’t put effort in trying to understand why he cheated. He is an AH. I mean, your age gap is 16 years. This could be a pattern for him, where he cheats, so it is not connect to you or your relationship. I’m sure he has cheated before to you or other women he has been with.

8. Dude in his 40s getting with someone in their 20s, knocks her up and gets another woman pregnant, and you are staying???? Hey man update us in another month where something inevitably goes wrong again

9. Yikes, you want to work it out with a guy that fucked someone UNPROTECTED and put your babies life at risk by doing so..

   It would be easier to separate now then when he does it again when the child is 2-3.

   And the fact he just said he wants to move on from this Transgression is 100% proof he will do it again, and has zero respect for you

   Good luck OP

10. Personally, I don’t think I could reconcile with a man who not only cheated on me, but also put my health and my child’s health at risk in the process.

    There are several STI’s that a newborn can catch at birth (gonorrhea, chlamydia, hep B, genital herpes, etc.) and others that can cross the placenta and infect the baby in utero (syphillis, HIV). Most of these infections are DEADLY to a newborn.

    Not even his own child’s life and safety was enough incentive for your husband to keep it in his pants. Think long and hard about that.

11. I just read your comments on your previous post. Is he still working with her?

12. It’s ok to take time on a final decision. Most people don’t truly understand how difficult fertility treatments are from a physical AND emotional POV.

    I don’t necessarily think your marriage has a great chance at working out, however I can understand why this feels like the right way to handle this at the moment. Trying to heal and build anew is a marathon process, not a sprint. He better understand that.

13. Your much older husband is successfully manipulating you. I feel bad for you and for your baby. You could have a different life once you divorce him, but you won’t until you’ve wasted more years of lies and manipulation, and have damaged your child with your unhealthy marriage.

    Good luck. You need it.

14. See you in 6 months to 1 year, maybe 2.

15. He didn’t just cheat, he cheated on his pregnant wife. He’s trash. Good luck. The first affair usually paves the way for the next.

16. You married a man 15yo older. There is a power dynamic at play as well and a manipulation on his part. He knows you are in a vulnerable state and is probably banking on, because of that, you won’t leave.

    Definitely keep in mind, despite how great you believed your relationship and sex life to be that he chose to disrespect you for sex. As you state there were not romantic feelings, if that’s true, so he decided to risk destroying your marriage for the sole purpose to get his d wet (as crude as that may be). Be sure to think this through properly and don’t stay solely because you are having a child. They don’t deserve to be in a household filled with upset and tension. It will spill over no matter how great you think you are keeping it from them.

17. This is the wrong decision. Please stand up for yourself. I think you will regret it in the future if you stay with him now. He’s a waste of space.

    And the age gap- gross! Huge red flag.

18. what a bummer

19. No offence but whats wrong with you to not see this blatant giant code red flag alarm being waved right in your face? Or you just trolling?

20. So you’re really gonna pull a Khloe kardashian by letting your husbands AP have a baby on you? Only difference is AP is terminating.

21. What does your husband say in answer to the question “why?” – if they didn’t even have romantic feelings, then why do it? Why was your husband ready to risk his marriage and let your child grow up with divorced parents? There must have been some compelling reasons for him – and if he can’t give them, there is a high risk he will do it again.

22. Wow, it’s almost like all those people who warn you about huge age gaps in relationships are…right. (I’m not saying it can never work, I’m saying mentally immature men tend to date women who are much younger because they don’t catch onto their flaws as quickly as women their own age/younger women assume older means mature)

23. In case your doctor didn’t tell you – you need to get tested more than one. There’s some stds that don’t show up until 6-8 weeks after you get it. And you don’t necessarily get an std the first time you have sex with someone. So if you’re not having sex with him currently you need to test 6-8 weeks after the last time you did. Otherwise pick 6-8 weeks after you last tested and hope he’s telling the truth that he’s not still fucking other people.

24. If he loved you he wouldn’t even consider cheating. He’s selfish and unlikely to change. You and your baby deserve better.

25. Oof.

26. He’s not just trash, he’s OLD trash. What are you doing???

27. Dawg please at least make sure you’re living in the city you want to live in bc you won’t be able to move after birth with most custody laws.
    And make sure that kid’s last name is hyphenated… y’all can always change it together if you work out.

28. Updateme!

    He wants to make things right cause there was a baby involved and she was not fun anymore and I bet if she didn’t get pregnant, he would still be messing with her and never-mind the fact he was sleeping with her raw (unprotected) and exposing you and your child to whatever she has.

    IMO the only reason he probably told you is cause if she kept the baby, he wouldn’t be able to hide the affair anymore anyway and probably be forced to pay child support.

    He has no remorse for what he did, he’s only sorry he got caught in a lie he couldn’t twist in his favor.

    If you stay with him MAKE him sign a postnuptial agreement with an infidelity clause to protect you and your child.

    Also how did they meet ? Was it at work ? Are they going to continue working together ? If so maybe he should report it to either separate them or quit cause where were they meeting to cheat ?

29. Is he even sorry or just sorry that he knocked her up and had to tell you? Is she sorry? This reads as if your husband and the OW were like whoopsies we had sex and made a human but hey this doesn’t really effect you bc we aren’t going to do that again.

30. So you had a very good marriage, a baby on the way, sex up to 6 times a week and he still cheated and you think he won’t do it again???? Think again!

31. Girl. Good luck to you. But I don’t bad for you because you are choosing this

32. Get to some subs that can actually give you some real constructive advice.

    r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for advice on reconciliation.

    r/survivinginfidelity for more divorce oriented advice.

33. I’m sad for you OP. You’re staying with a liar, cheater and someone who has zero respect for you. Your child, should you stay, will have a piss poor example of what love should be.

    I hope you find the strength to leave.

34. Guys almost 20 years your senior and you marrying him 🤦🤦🤦

35. You are a doormat. As long as you continue to allow it, that’s all you will be. The difference is that soon you will be teaching your child how to also be a doormat.

    Congrats.

    People don’t change. Get it through your head… Oh wait you won’t change either. You’ll just perpetuate the cycle.

    As a woman with a modicum of self respect, I just don’t fucking get it.

36. Color me shocked that a man who marries a woman almost 20 years his junior, when she’s barely out of college, proceeds to act like a damn fool. 🙄

    OP was 23 when they got married. Why do I suspect that this scumbag was hitting on a teenager in his late 30s.

    Now we all, OP included unfortunately, can see why women his own age wouldn’t give him the time of day.

    Good luck OP. I’m sorry these lessons came so late. You deserve better and I hope you follow through with the divorce before you waste your prime years life being this jerk’s fool, and then his nurse.

37. Guy is 42 years old, cheated on his much younger wife in the most vulnerable time, doesn’t even bother to use protection… this case is lost.

38. > Even if we end up divorced in the end, allowing myself time means that things have a higher chance of being amiable and easier for all of us—especially our child.

    No, it really doesn’t mean that. It probably means the exact opposite, in fact. You’re in denial about a LOT of things but this idea that going through therapy and trying to reconcile will make a divorce *easier* is a big one.

    Here’s what’s likely to happen. Since you didn’t divorce him immediately, your husband thinks A) he’s basically forgiven already and B) when he does this again later he knows you won’t do anything about it. So if you do end up divorcing after you (in his mind) already forgave him that isn’t going to make him any nicer about the divorce process. He’ll be twice as vindictive because from his asshole POV you already got over it and you’re not allowed to still be mad about it. Expect to hear the phrase “I apologized and went to therapy, I tried to make it right” screamed in your face a lot.

    Your most amicable divorce is right now while he still feels guilty. If you wait until he’s feeling self-righteous and entitled he will deliberately make it a nightmare. And good luck getting rid of him once he signs that birth certificate. Time is not on your side here.

39. This is just so crazy. My heart breaks for her. I’ll never understand why women value themselves so little that they’ll allow themselves to be treated this way. Nothing is going to change with therapy. Well he’ll learn how to lie better. Although she never would have found out if he didn’t tell her. Which of course makes me think how many more there were. Or how many more there will be and you know there will be more.

    Oh goodness I just don’t understand how she can stay. Her child will inevitably find out as an adolescent or an adult and will lose all respect for both of them. It’s just so sad.

40. Welp. Don’t be too shocked when it happens again. It’s sad when women stay with people like this and don’t find their damn spine. Hopefully you’ll find yours.

41. As long as you’re honest with yourself that this is going to happen again. And again. And again…

42. This is why 40 year old men prey on 20somethings

43. The age difference is already 🚩

    This is just a clear indication to leave him. He’ll leave you by the time you’re 30

44. I know you want to try, but the problem is that you didn’t realize he was cheating on you. It’s not like you caught him because he was doing shady stuff. He had to tell you which means that he’s good enough at cheating that he might have done it multiple times before this. You have no way of knowing because he wouldn’t have came clean if she didn’t get pregnant! Cheaters rarely stop, because they rarely do it only once.

    I hope you can find some peace and happiness in your future, but I don’t think you’ll have any peace as long as you’re constantly examining his behaviors and wondering if he’s cheating again. And he will, they always do! Good luck and congratulations on your baby.

45. Girl. Come on. Do you really value yourself this little?

46. >Divorce is not off the table, but it’s a hard situation to be in, especially in a vulnerable state like being pregnant.

    Yep, that’s why he did it and why he told you. He DID choose this timing on purpose, even if subconsciously. Please factor that into your decision making and stay strong

47. I don’t get why women date loser men almost 20 year their senior.