My boyfriend (38m) and me (29f) are struggling a bit since agreeing to move in together 2 months ago after about a year of dating. I have two children from a prior relationship and he is childless with no history of dating someone with kids. Prior to moving in he was good with my children and didn’t give any indication of being overwhelmed or it not being a good fit. We have discussed having our own child one day. He assured me he would be ok doing some things my ex would do (like school drop off in the morning) in order to cohabitate.
Now that we live together he has expressed he’s struggling to cope with my attention being elsewhere a majority of the time and dealing with my frustration as a mother in the evenings during the week. I’m not a yeller, I try to keep the peace and keep the routine going, but sometimes I’m unavailable to sit down to a meal right away because I’m working on homework or some other chore or task. He will urge me, and I will just tell him I’m trying my best calmly. I can feel that he doesn’t understand all the things I’m juggling and when I’m engaged with them he is waiting for his turn for my attention. He isn’t nasty about it, but it’s apparent. So it’s a challenge those times. My daughter currently has a broken arm so that’s added to my plate quite a bit. We’ve had some other behavioral issues with her i’m worried about, and yesterday I texted him in a moment of weakness about how I was frustrated and at a loss. His response was “don’t bother me with petty problems you can solve on your own”. And if I wanted to speak about anything negative, save it for days end once he’s home. I didn’t want solutions when I texted, I just wanted to be heard. He works for himself owning a car service so he’s often gone late but does make his own hours. I do not expect immediate responses and I understand when I’m venting it’s just that, a venting session, not an emergency. I’m not keen on bottling everything up until he gets home. That feels unnatural to me.
I took that as it was a bad time and not to go there with him in the future as he is obviously upset by my frustration and doesn’t want to be bothered. That concerns me I can’t have bad days or confide in him about how I’m feeling as a mother because my kids are such a big part of my life.
I regularly try to mitigate stressors in the home and make sure he sees me as happy as possible. I try to bring up my issues minimally so as not to add stress to his plate because he seems to be coping poorly. It’s only been two months, but how long should I give it for him to adjust? I was a teen mom so I’ve never known a life without kids and can’t imagine being almost 40 and jumping into a situation with a 12 and 6 year old so I want to be sensitive, but I also don’t want to waste time acting as though nothing bothers me for his comfort. I feel like it’s fairly normal for moms to be slightly stressed or frustrated by days end. I work full time, my days start at 5 am, and then I do all the mom things for both kids all week by myself. He does pay more bills than I do, but I try to provide value by making the home nice, completing chores and being a good companion.
He kind of surprised me in saying that he feels I am a mostly unhappy person with “glimmers” of happiness he sees. I asked him why he would date a generally unhappy person and he said it was because he’s seen me be happy and he knows it’s possible. When I asked for more clarification, he said when my kids visit their dad I am the most at ease and “happy” in his view. I would categorize myself as a mostly happy person working on healing and grieving some things that make some days hard, but I know I’m getting better. From his description, it makes me feel like he loves me best when I’m not being a mom, which is understandable to me since he never had children, but it’s a nonnegotiable huge part of who I am that will come with some stressful hours of the day and challenging times.
What would you do? Anyone have any experience in this realm? Anyone a single person who got with a single parent and have advice? Thank you!
27 comments
You have a big problem. He doesn’t seem to be making any effort to adjust. 2 months or 20, if he doesn’t make an effort it won’t change.
Another problem – you are faking who you are and how you are feeling around him so he doesn’t see how hard parenthood is. I think deep down you worry he won’t want another kid if he sees the reality of how hard parenting really is. And your kids are learning that you have to pretend to be someone to keep a relationship. I guarantee you they know this is not really who you are.
But as for the “it’s not normal to wait until someone gets home to express myself.” We have all gotten spoiled with cell phones and having instant access to everyone. 30 years ago you did wait, or you called someone who wasn’t at work. Even now there are job where for safety reasons people can’t have a phone on them all day, and a lot of them are in happy relationships where the other person has to wait to talk to them. So it isn’t unnatural or wrong for your boyfriend to not want to be bothered while at work with something that isn’t an urgent emergency.
He’s mistaking unhappiness with being stressed and over-extended. Being a parent exhausts me but doesn’t make me unhappy. He’s nearly 40 and used to doing what he wants, when he wants. No wonder he doesn’t understand the stressors of family life. He just wants the fun-made-an-effort-for-a-date you, not the family/mum you.
What do you expect time will do to change this?
So he waits for you to get done with everything that needs doing and is complaining that you have no time?
Has it ever occurred to him that he could lend a hand?
Sure the kids are your responsibility but if he wants your time and attention then he needs to lighten your load otherwise he is just a roommate.
I lived with a man who just didn’t have the wherewithal to deal with kids on the daily. He’d never admit it because according to him he was a great father to his child he only saw every other weekend. He had never had to deal with the business and endless chores/tasks that need doing when your kids live with you. It was exhausting and in the end it was damaging to me and my kids. We all had to walk on eggshells to try and not be “too much.” But we were too much and it was undeniable in the end. I didn’t even realize how tense and hyper vigilant I had become until we moved away from him. The relief to me and my kids was overwhelming and so so welcome after spending years trying to fit into his tiny idea of how life is.
It sounds like you guys should have spent more time hanging out with the kids before just moving him into your home…. and I would never ever consider having a child with someone like that. I’m not sure what advice to give, as it seems like a tough situation and I’m sure you don’t want to hear “break up” so continue trying to be your authentic self and have some deep conversations with him about what you need to be supported. But also yes, he clearly prefers you when you aren’t a mom.
Little background, I met my SO when I was 34, dated before him but no children of my own. He was divorced with kids he had 50% of the time. So I have a little idea of the changes your boyfriend had to adjust to. But unlike the gut feeling I have about your boyfriend, I had enough friends/family with kids I had a little better idea what parenting looked like.
I don’t know if he ever stayed over while you had your kids before moving in or what he thought then but what you are describing is life. Jobs, kids, carpools, homework. I don’t think you are unhappy, I think you are busy.
The vision he has of you with no kids is the you that has less commitments and grown up responsibilities . Which is fine if you don’t want to have kids but he would get the same you 100% of the time if you had a child together. And then he should be stepping in helping. You shouldn’t have to justify why you can’t sit down for dinner because homework.
I don’t think he is cut out for being a family man as he thinks he is. I don’t think it would be different if it was your kids together either. Part of being in a relationship is loving the good bad and ugly. He wants the sparkles and rainbows and nothing else. That isn’t reality.
>What would you do?
Find a new bf. He isn’t ready to live in a house with a family. He doesn’t understand what ” the kids have to come first ” means. Dating you He doesn’t see the day to day work required.
Living together first before taking it further was a good idea. Now you know day to day with kids isn’t for him.
Your BF isn’t the partner for you. He knew you had kids and now complaining about not being #1, not a good sign.
He wants you. Not your kids.
I’m a single mom myself and it’s not possible to separate you from being a mom. Everything you do involves your kids, esp when they’re young. It’s clear your boyfriend can’t handle that.
You’re not compatible. The longer you stay together, the more your kids will be affected.
You already know this, but your kids will always come first. He has never had kids or been around them, so maybe he is in over his head on this one. I might give someone in that scenario a little bit of grace in experiencing family life for the first time.
BUT (and this is a BIG BUT), Im seeing lots of red flags that tell me this man is not good for either you or your kids:
>He will urge me, and I will just tell him I’m trying my best calmly. I can feel that he doesn’t understand all the things I’m juggling and when I’m engaged with them he is waiting for his turn for my attention.
He does not accept that your kids will always take first priority.
>yesterday I texted him in a moment of weakness about how I was frustrated and at a loss. His response was “don’t bother me with petty problems you can solve on your own”.
He has zero empathy for your real life challenges and frustrations. He cant be bothered to be a sounding board.
>I regularly try to mitigate stressors in the home and make sure he sees me as happy as possible.
He actually sounds very self-centered and you have been tip-toeing around so as not to upset him. Why are you doing this?
>he said when my kids visit their dad I am the most at ease and “happy” in his view.
So basically, he is hoping you will dump the kids with dad permanently and chose him
>From his description, it makes me feel like he loves me best when I’m not being a mom, which is understandable to me since he never had children, but it’s a nonnegotiable huge part of who I am that will come with some stressful hours of the day and challenging times.
So dont negotiate this with him. Kick him out of your home. Dont welcome in another partner unless they love and accept all of who you are. There is a saying about a single mom and her kids being a package deal. He cant just get the single version of you without the mom part.
Kids=chaos and he just wasnt prepared for that.
Him putting pressure on you to be available to him is only stressing you out more though. Does he realize that?
Ideally what does this situation look like for you? What is his role? What do these relationships look like?
I think this all should have been established before moving in.
He’s been watching the extra short trailer of parenting, now he’s in a saga.
He’s basically roommates with small children that he’s cordial with. I’m not sure. There need to be some real and honest communication adjustments as well as focus on what you both want from the future.
I think you moved in too soon. When you have kids, you need to take an extra long time to make these changes than someone without kids would. Moving in with someone after only a year is risky when no kids are involved.
He’s not step dad material and I’d be weary about having a child with this man.
This is the wrong relationship for each of you. Neither will be able to be fully satisfied and happy long term. It’s better to cut your losses now and move on. Your children don’t deserve to have to walk on eggshells around your partner and neither do you. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy- the future cost is much greater than what you have already spent.
Ma’am he is expressing that he wants you to send the kids to live with their dad. Cut out the extra bs he’s putting around it; he was willing to play with your kids to get you but now that he has you he wants them gone. He doesn’t want to be a stepdad, so unless you want to abandon your kids he’s not the one for you
He’s trying to get rid of your children. First, it’s talking about how more relaxed you seem when they’re with their dad. Next it’s going to be “hey, why don’t you let them stay an extra night with their dad.” Before you know it it’s going to be “the kids can be here on the weekend but only on Saturday, and make sure you take them back by six because I have a special date planned for you”. And then before you know it, you won’t be seeing your kids at all… so end it now.
What would I do?
NEVER move in a man I’ve been with for 365 days when I have children as young as yours.
What should you do?
Get rid before this turns in to some Flowers in the Attic type shit.
To most men, raising another man’s kids is not the same as having a family. It is a burden they tolerate in order to get access to the mother. A woman with no kids is almost always preferable.
Plus he gets the dubious joy of paying most of the bills in this case. No wonder he is irritated.
You need to have him move out. When he talks about the times he says he sees you happy, what he is talking about are the times he is happy. Which is when there are no kids around. He’s just phrasing it that way to make it sound like he is looking out for you, but it is really all about him and his comfort and what he views as happiness. This is not a good fit for your household and you need to walk it back or at least communicate to him that he is the one that needs to fit into the household as it runs, as it naturally is, which means fitting into a household where you are a mom every day whether the kids are present or not. If that is too much for him, fine, but he is the one who has to do the bulk of adjusting his behaviors, emotions and expectations because you have kids who need to be prioritized. Again, if that’s too much for him that’s fine. It honestly sounds like you jumped the gun by moving in with him so early. If he is not prepared to take on a nurturing role of some kind there is no reason for him to be this big a part of your life or your kids’s lives.
You need to find someone who will love your kids, not someone who will love you despite your kids.
Your kids are watching even if you think they aren’t. They can sense his indifference and very possibly jealousy. You are masking your feelings in order to make him happy when above all else your kids happiness come first. you need to take care of yourself but he is making everything worse by being immature. You are not married, he knew you had kids, and if he likes you better when the kids are at their dad’s that not a good sign. Please reconsider this relationship-not fair to you or your kids
> His response was “don’t bother me with petty problems you can solve on your own”.
How often does he speak to you like this? Because it’s incredibly disrespectful.
Moving him in with your kids after 1 year of dating is wild.
You guys aren’t compatible.
He does not want those kids.
Don’t turn into one of those mothers who chooses a man over her kids cause this is how this posts reads. You’ve ignored his red flags and thrown your kids into an environment where they are not wanted