I am well-liked in all my social circles. I do comedy and other comedians like/respect me. I go to local music venues where the performers/fans get along with me. I can walk into local bars and the casino and instantly run into people that know me personally. I have a broad social circle. I am generally quick to introduce myself to new people (guys and girls, singles and groups) when they venture into one of my many “homes.” I like to make them feel welcome. I usually ask them a bit about themselves and tell them an anecdote. Nothing intrusive and no TMI stuff lol.
Am i too welcoming and friendly? It would feel weird to ignore the pretty new girls but talk to everyone else lol. It would also feel creepy to hit on new girls that quickly. Also, I’m a tall, masculine man and i tend to intimidate even some men if i don’t ease them into knowing me. I’m never nervous talking to anyone.
Or maybe its unrelated to everything i mentioned above? If so, what else should i reflect on? I feel most of your success comes from first impressions but maybe I’m screwing up afte that?
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Could be that you’re not showing enough vulnerability. Confident and funny people make great friends, but I’d need to see much more if I want to find out whether I like-like the person underneath all the comedy and smiles.
More than that.. If I only see the qualities of you that _everyone_ likes, that’s a really clear signal that I’m getting like a really diluted version of you, that you’ve crafted. All the best bits, maybe, but not the full picture. You can put your best foot forward, but you still need two feet to get anywhere.
How about authenticity? It reads like you do a lot of stuff for the sake of relationships, rather than just being yourself.
I could be reading it wrong though.
You seem like a perfectly likable person in a group, which is great. The question is if you can carry that energy into a 1-on-1 interaction, and transition that energy into something more intimate and less “likable everyman.”
Some things to think about: Do you respect others? Do you listen well? Do show genuine vulnerability? Are you patient with vulnerability in others? Can you prioritize someone over yourself? Can you recognize your own boundaries and enforce them thoughtfully? Can you imagine yourself sharing your space for multiple hours and multiple days?
In my experience, that stuff is very different from general group interactions, and will best determine if you can thrive in a relationship.
I suffer from this, ive made improvements but i still feel i have this trait. Im considered a social guy. I can branch out and talk to people. For some reason it hardly ever translate to what you call “boyfriend material”. Ive made some improvements, what i get from my female friends is that im too nice and friendly at times. I dont go for it or make it clear what my intentions are.
If you go into every situation with girls like you just want to make a friend, they will see you as a friend. I never realized the power of friendly banter. I was very agreeable, even when i disagreed with a girl. Id say things like “i can see why you think that way but i dont agree”. Instead of saying something like “well thats dumb” but in a joking way. Its ok to be a little bit of an asshole, just dont take it too far.
To me, “boyfriend/girlfriend material” refers more to being a function adult. For example:
Is either employed, pursuing an education, or at the very least actively seeking work
Keeps their living space clean
Is capable of feeding themselves healthy meals
Takes care of their own physical, mental, and sexual health (regular doctor appointments/therapy/getting STD checks/wearing condom without complaining)
Has their own friend group
Good personal hygiene
Has hobbies they are passionate about
I don’t understand what the problem is? you have lots of friends but can’t get a girlfriend?
Do you actually pursue women? (In the right environments ofc) like I don’t get what your problem is is it that girls don’t approach you or?
I had the same problem. Or I used to have a similar problem. The issue was not being able to be more multi faceted. Everyone likes chocolate but no one likes chocolate all the time. Being able to show different sides of yourself is really where you can turn peoples thoughts as just another funny guy to a serious boyfriends candidate. When I say show other sides, I mean being vulnerable being able to dive in and out of serious topics in 1 on 1 conversations and also the most important being able to express your interest without crossing a boundary with a girl when you talk. Hopefully I didn’t ramble too much
Maybe they think ”He’s so sociable and popular, he probably already has a ton of girls wanting him, I can’t (or don’t want to) compete” ? Or maybe ” he has so many friends.., if I date him, will he have the time to be just with me or will he always want to spend a lot of time in groups”? I don’t know.
You sound like a friend. You shouldn’t have friend vibes with women you want to be something with that is other than friend. Women want traits from their man that are ok if their friends don’t have. Decisiveness and ambition are important ones. You sound like you might be very agreeable and accommodating, which could be turn offs.
You seem to weirdly perfect it’s weird