Okay long story short: my(28) boyfriend (30) is a very very friendly guy. He always has been. He follows over 1,500 people on instagram. He has never had a serious relationship before, because he was in school. When we first started to date, I asked if we could unfollow anyone we used to date or sleep with, out of respect for each other, and we both agreed and did it. My insecurities got the best of me, and I did go through his following and notice he was following a lot of women who have huge boobs/butts that he knows in real life, and used to like their pictures before dating me. I felt a bit uncomfortable so I asked about a few, then he unfollowed some more. Fast forward, I noticed this new women following him on Instagram, and I noticed even though she was just following him, she did like a bunch of his older photos I asked about her, and he said “she was a person I’ve known for a while, and she messaged me about my trip to Europe asking about hotels.”
I’ve never asked to see his phone or messages but, I did ask over a phone call to see the messages between them when he gets home.

He gets home, and shows me the messages. They are on Facebook messenger anger because she was one of the girls he unfollowed on Instagram, that he thought I may feel uncomfortable about. There were 3 messages from February, June, and September that were “unsent” before he got home . When I asked about them, he said “I unsent them because I know you are insecure and would be bothered that I had messaged her.”

Also, the messages from her that day asking about Europe hotels, he said to her “oh hit me up on Instagram!”

The messaging weren’t flirty, but he talked with her with alot of excitement.
He also told her to hit him up on Instagram after she was someone he initially unfollowed.
He is swearing this was nothing but friendly. I can’t help but wonder what those unsent messages were, there were only 3, a few months apart.

Would this make anyone else suspicious? He apologized and also unfollowed her again.

47 comments

  1. Thinking that men only care about boobs is beyond disrespectful. Being so suspicious is not healthy. You should allow him to follow anyone he wants. He can still cheat you even if you told him to unfollow exes. So I think that he is not the right man or you are not the right woman, if you live with this continuous fear.

  2. You’re being insecure. What you’re trying to do is keep your partner from talking to anyone who he could find attractive or they could find him attractive and that’s impossible.

    Do you trust your partner?

  3. It’s a red flag if they like sexy pics on Instagram that’s mean one think they don’t care about the relationship, the guy when like a girl never talk to other girl or like this kinda of pics.

  4. Yes you are been insecure! You need a therapy asap or you will loose the guy. You need to understand deep down you are worthy. Jealousy is a sign of poor self esteem.

  5. Hmm, I gotta disagree with these comments.

    As a dude, I can say he’s being shady. It’s not his decision to make on what will make you insecure and shelter you from it and it is 100% him hiding something. If there was nothing to hide he wouldn’t have hidden it.

  10. You need to get help addressing your insecurities. Therapy can help if you keep an open mind.

  11. You’re being way too controlling, and this is driving him to hide things which are likely not at all harmful. If you want a drive a relationship of trust and transparency, then you need to go work on your own insecurities first

  12. I think making people follow or Unfollow someone because of their gender is really misleading. And I think it’s wrong. We should have friends with whoever we want. you should be secure. Also, I think you should apologize to him and tell him he should be able to speak to anyone he wants to.

  14. For me guys who follows a lot of girls in skimpy outfits on social media is definitely fuckboy material. It’s a lot more shady when the girls are not even famous and just hot. Hard pass. I don’t want to constantly worry who he follows or who he’s exchanging messages.

  16. first issue was making him unfollow anyone he previously had any type of intimate relationship with…….why is that even being talked about? lol. it’s none of your business what he did BEFORE you. as far as everything else, i would have deleted everything too bc you’re very obviously insecure and not trusting. get therapy, ASAP. wouldn’t be surprised if he left.

  17. Kepp the list short and of worthy ones. 😅 else it always raises a potential threat of cheating.

  18. Me personally? I’d be suspicious. But given the messages were spaced so far apart (months) i’d be less inclined to think it’s anything serious.
    It’s natural to be insecure, especially in this day and age where hiding suspicious behavior is so easy. However, don’t let your insecurities smother him. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and if he ever genuinely breaks your trust, you’ll have every right to be upset. Don’t do anything rash or jump to conclusions without solid evidence of wrongdoing. It could end a perfectly good relationship.

  19. I’d be more suspicious why he’d unfollow people he’s known for a while or actual friends…. I personally think if he’s got nothing to hide and they are simply friends, they’d be open about it and I’d have nothing to worry about.

    Plus, if/when I’m dating, you tend to meet each others friends. So if they haven’t introduced these women to me… as far as I’m concerned… they’re not friends and they have zero reason to communicate.

    You should probably figure out what kinda guy your BF is….

  21. If this was a typical trusting relationship, I would say it’s weird that he deleted those messages and re followed her. But in this case, it’s different because your actions are saying that you don’t trust him, and so it makes sense that he’s going to act like it.

    I understand that you are feeling insecure, but when you are so distrusting of your partner that you make them unfollow any exes, hot girls, etc., it’s no surprise that he’s going to be acting shady. You’re being a little over controlling, and it feels like you’re almost *trying* to catch him. So of course he’s going to delete anything that could be even moderately suspicious! If he knew that you trusted him, it wouldn’t be a problem because he isn’t worried about you over analyzing. But seeing your past behavior, of course he’s nervous.

    You really should not be checking on who he’s following so much that you notice when he follows someone new, whether or not he used to like their photos and whether or not they liked him. It’s just going to make you more nervous and insecure. If you really are so worried about him cheating, you’re not going to find it on Instagram: his behavior is going to reflect it first.

    I think you really need to take some time off social media and just focus on the present and your relationship today, and whether or not you are able to trust him enough to be in a relationship. Because as this is, it isn’t sustainable.

  22. What he did is just not right. When you told him that you wanted to see their messages, it was obviously because you wanted to measure how they are interacting. That he removed those three messages plainly proves that these messages would have upset you. So be upset. And the messages being months apart doesn’t mean much since they speak on multiple platforms.

  23. I think it’s both, you seem way too insecure and invasive, that is very bad because there’s always a possibility that you overthink something and it’s completely wrong, for this situation I would say if nothing more happens after this, just let it go, just set your boundaries in a firm way and try to be subtle and ask him again If he’s serious about you two, maybe that would put you more at ease. It’s suspicious but from the dates it seems difficult that he was doing something bad

  25. oh honey. Your insecurities are going to kill your relationship. He’s allowed to have friends and to interact with women you consider sexually attractive.

  26. Let me just ask you this. Where and when did you get this idea of restricting who your partner follows and then being this attentive about their online activity.

    I don’t find men who like spam booty accounts would be worth your time. I also don’t think spending your time being watchful of likes is in your best interest.

    Be with someone who is naturally behaving the way you like. Be alone until you find them. Be alone until you enjoy being alone and find your own company to be the best that can be had.

  28. Perhaps there’s an underlying mistrust towards your partner? Why didn’t you believe him? Why do you think he’s not being honest? Why do you feel the need to check for yourself and confirm?

    Are you going to keep “confirming” for yourself? Or will you, at some point start trusting your partner?

    Policing a romantic partner will have you drowning in anxiety.

  29. I’m disagreeing with most people commenting bc why would someone delete innocent messages to protect their gf bc he knew the messages he sent would bother her? If my bf deleted messages, that would make me more suspicious & make me feel like he’s hiding something. If you hide anything from someone you are in a relationship with you are in the wrong & it’s being hidden for a reason, the other person in the relationship wouldn’t like what you had sent bc it was inappropriate

  30. I can’t imagine myself feeling love for a person who would have to look at whatever I communicated with someone else to feel comfortable.

    A fundamental component of love is trust, and in this situation there isn’t any.

    I feel you’re not a match with this person. I don’t know if you’ll be able to trust the next person, but also I don’t know how you can love someone truly deeply and profoundly if you don’t trust them.

  33. I would never be interested in dating someone I felt this insecure about.

    I literally LIVE with my ex boyfriend. It’s not conventional, but I moved in years after we broke up and all the guys I’ve dated loved him and see it for what it is: two reliable friends trying to make it in this economy.

    Maybe your boyfriend is, but not everyone is sketchy and trying to cheat.

  35. Lovely, no offense but you are incredibly insecure. I just don’t feel like there is any relationship you will be in where you will feel like the guy you’re with isn’t potentially cheating on you.

    Asking your straight SO to unfollow members of the opposite is so unbelievably toxic.

    People should get with someone they absolutely know would never cheat no matter how many friends they have of the opposite sex.

    As a straight female, you should get with a guy who still would never cheat even if in a room full of naked DTF women. And a straight guy should get with a gf who still wouldn’t cheat in a row full of naked hot guys swinging their dicks on her face.

    Otherwise why stop the inevitable? This kind of insecure mindset will actually push your partner away in the long term.

  36. You’re being too jealous and controlling. I think there is this new thing of controlling and jealous people using “mental health” or “insecurities” to justify their controlling behavior, and it’s not good. Get therapy so that you are more secure, otherwise this behavior will lead to a break up.

  37. Neither of you are ready for a relationship. If he needs to be flirting, following, liking a million women he finds himself attracted to he isn’t ready, especially if you guys came to (even if a somewhat ridiculous) agreement. But you are insecure and lack trust and need to figure out where thats coming from and nio it in the bud. Both of you need to do some serious work on yourselves before you can commit to a partner for a healthy relationship and learn to communicate.

  38. I think you are right to feel the way you feel. It’s odd for men to follow loads of women specially if their butts and boobs are out.

    I’d feel very uncomfortable in your position. At this point in my life I wouldn’t date a guy who follows loads of people women on social media, I think it’s tacky and it shows they are on “hunting” mode and are immature.

  40. How long are you going to continually make this man “prove” his love to you and pander to your insecurities? At what point is this going to become a you problem?

  41. I think this is very extreme… I don’t care if my boyfriend follows other females even if they’re remotely attractive.

    We saw the Taylor Swift Eras tour movie and he commented on her butt and the hot background dancers. Instead of feeling insecure about it, I agreed with him because it’s Taylor Swift and she’s beautiful and I trust him.

  42. The more you think about the message, the more you kill your emotions, so save your relationship for now by forgetting anything about the messages until something else shows up to convince you otherwise, don’t fuck things up by yourself

  43. I was in the exact same position when I had my first long relationship few years ago. I was at the beginning of my 20s when I had long term relationship for the first time and he was 3 years older than me and had never been in a relationship before. Even though he showed some great affection towards me there was something always suspicious of him. But, I wasn’t fully aware of myself and in the era I found always something wrong about me. Because it was taught that way by my father. During those days, Instagram had an another section you could see other people’s activities and ngl I liked to scroll through it to see what people were doing. And then I saw a photo that my bf liked a picture of girl who had big boobs and then I checked his profile and saw that he followed her and girl didn’t follow him back. And all photos of her were the same like showing her boobs or legs. He liked many of them. I felt so bad because I don’t like a man who likes and follows these kinds of things. In my book, this is not a good sign. There was nothing wrong with the girl. Everybody can share whatever they like but if you’re a man in a relationship, your focus shouldn’t be on the things. For me, it’s the similar things like looking so affectionate to someone when your gf’s next to you. It’s rude to your gf. But I was so scared of raising my voice and didn’t say anything because I thought it was my insecurity and he was never in a relationship so he didn’t know how to act. I kept checking more about his likes after that. I saw he wasn’t going to stop. I told him and he found so strange, he objected it like I’m insane to think about it. He just saw it for a second he said and didn’t think about me when he liked it. While I was so cautious about anything, he made it not a big deal. I didn’t talk about it anymore but situations got worse and worse. I heard that he was flirting with other girls even his friends warned him. He told them he wasn’t going to do more than flirting, he just wanted to have fun and in the end, I learned that he cheated on me. These days women are objected like the most insecure ones. Everybody expect different things in a relationship and it’s okay nobody can judge if you’re happy. If I told him what I expected at the beginning, I wouldn’t go through sleepless nights and worrying like hell. You’re not insecure. You’re a human being. It’s okay to be suspicious. And deleting messages isn’t a good sign. He showed some true colour of himself but take it with a grain of salt. In my case I had all the things when we were together. If the messages were before you met each other and he told you that it’s not going to happen again, you can continue the relationship. Do what your intuition tells you. My intuition was screaming to get out of the relationship. I couldn’t tell anything when somethings bothered me because according to him I was the insecure one and insane to imagine things like that. I wasn’t imagining. All these were happening but he was gaslighting me to believe I’m the wrong one. Yes, I was insecure about raising for what I believe and want. But I was never wrong about what he did to me. Just check yourself and if it still bothers you, don’t afraid take any action. You don’t need to lose time with the wrong person and it’s not your job to fix someone. Nobody can change unless they want to. They’ll just get better hiding.

  46. Babe he’s hiding something for a reason, it’s not your insecurities at all
    That’s literally projecting and gaslighting
    Don’t listen to most of these comments, trust your instinct
    If you feel he’s being shady then he is
    Also he wouldn’t delete something if it was innocent
    It’s all on him , if he didn’t give you reasons to be insecure you wouldn’t be
    Simple as that

  47. This has self fulfilling prophecy written all over it. One thing I can say from my experiences is that often in relationships where one or both partners is insecure, people tend to lean towards looking for disaster and lies and finding proof that they aren’t there in order to feel reassurance. This perpetuates the anxiety and no amount of reading messages and having your partner “prove” their devotion based on what you see them do or say with other people will fill the hole that’s causing the insecurities in the first place.

    If you really want to be with this person, look for ways to build trust and find reassurance in a positive manner. The way you are looking for reassurance in your relationship actually creates much more distrust.

    Devotion and commitment have so much more to do with gestures of kindness, affirmation and reassuring touch, devotion of time and space, among other positives that help someone feel secure in their attachments.

    What is it you need or would like to experience so that I didn’t matter who followed him or who spoke with? That should be the focus.

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