I have a friend who’s been closely involved with my friend group for years and I consider him a good friend, but over the past few years he’s become insufferable and I don’t know how to help him.
First off, almost everything he says has a negative connotation. He has bad faith interpretations of pretty much everyone who isn’t him. Even his best friends who have bent over backwards for him. He brings up every perceivable flaw in anyone and criticize them harshly to try and look like he’s superior and more intelligent. And a lot of those flaws are things that he does on a daily basis but he refuses to acknowledge that.
He’ll pretend to know a shit ton about a topic that you’re talking about even if he’s never heard of it before by constantly adding “yep” and “that’s pretty much how it works”, etc. After everything you say about it. If he doesn’t know something, the second he finds out, he pretends he “literally knew the whole time” and “just forgot”.
He also constantly changes his opinion on any given topic whenever the majority of the friend group thinks differently then him and acts like he never disagreed, and then if people change their minds, he’ll act like that was his opinion the entire time.
Most of the time when he talks to other people, it’s about his current interests, which is a revolving door of the same 3-5 things and he will talk to people about them endlessly and not pay attention to the fact that no one is interested. Even when we’ve said nicely multiple times that we don’t care. And some of these interests were things we all mutually hated until he got into them. We’re all fine with the fact that he has different interests, but we all do and he’s the only one who can’t take a hint that his personal interests aren’t shared by the rest of the group. And occasional conversation about these things is fine, but it’s literally every day. He’ll twist any conversation, even if he’s not involved, into something about his 3-5 interests.
And when me and another friend actually are able to break away into more general conversations, he usually won’t try to add anything, but he’ll sure as hell interrupt you every five sentences to add absolutely nothing.
Here’s a Hypothetical Example.
Me: I just had a peanut butter sandwich and honestly forgot how good they were.
Him: I-I-I-I just had one of those the other day and I was like gosh. That’s good. I literally forgot how good these are.
He’ll like, reword what was just said and try to take over the conversation as if he had started it. And then he’ll reword the next thing and the next one. A lot of the time it feels like he wants to be involved in the conversation and also have the popular opinion, but instead of thinking he just blurts whatever his brain can spew out the fastest to stay on top.
And let’s say he starts playing a new video game, card game, sport or tries to learn a new skill. The first thing he does if it isn’t the easiest God damn thing on the planet is whine about how it’s “literally unfair” ot “impossible”. He absolutely refuses to ever admit that he just needs to build some skill because that would be admitting that he has flaws. Or at least that’s what it feels like. He acted this way about learning to tie his shoes, which to this day he still doesn’t know how to do because “it’s literally impossible”. When I tell him it’s not and he just needs to put in some effort into learning it he says “but it’s literally impossible”. He’ll play a video game he’s never played before, and play an online match, and then claim the game is “literally unfair” because he didn’t win his first round against players who have probably been playing for years. He’ll literally say shit like “THE GAME IS LITERALLY LIKE OH YOU WANT TO LOSE? OK YOU GET TO LOSE” unironically, in a fit of rage. Always blames the game for being unfair even though it’s just a lack of skill.
He also just says whatever comes to his mind whenever he wants. This leads to him literally telling everyone over and over if he’s hungry or tired, or when he gets even the most minor injury we have to insure over the top grunting and groaning and it will always be used as an excuse as to why he shouldn’t have to help with anything.
And he will always do whatever he can to get out of doing even the most miniscule amount of work if it doesn’t directly benefit himself. The other day me and the bros were making frozen pizza for lunch. We have one friend, who we’ll call Dan who usually does the cooking of simple stuff like that just because he wants to. Dan wasn’t going to eat pizza due to being on a diet so he was cooking something else that took the same oven temperature. Dan and I ended up having to leave to go take care of something, so I told my friend to put Dan’s food in the oven while we were gone. He said “I’m not gonna eat that so why would I cook it?” and I said “Dan doesn’t complain when he’s making your food. Just do it.” He didn’t reply and we left. When Dan and I got back he was still sitting in the same spot doing absolutely nothing, and he hadn’t cooked the food, but he had eaten his.
I also know he’s shit talked me behind my back to other friends in the group. But they all like me better than him for obvious reasons so they let me know what he’s saying. It’s usually because something I’m doing (that usually has sort of benefit to him) is causing him to have to wait for something or do a shred of work. That or he’s mad at me for calling him out on his bullshit and somehow thinks I’m the only one who can tell how full of shit he is. He has tried to gaslight me and other friends multiple times into believing that we’re bullies who pick on him for kicks whenever we call him out for being a dick. And he’d never say sorry for bullying other friends.
The bullying stuff got so bad at one point that I refused to acknowledge him for a month straight, after that month I gave him a list of awful things he had done to me and my friends that we waited him to stop. He ended up crying and apologizing, which was good, but after that he was acting extremely cautious, which was fine but I weirdly felt kinda bad for making him miserable. I’m too much of a fucking empath lol. Eventually the extreme cautiousness wore off and he’s back to his old self. Not a bully, but still annoying as fuck. Well, I guess it’s somewhat of an improvement from early this year but it’s still really hard to have fun around him.
Craziest thing about this is that this guy and I used to be amazing friends and I loved being around him. He was funny, ambitious, creative and a little more quiet than loud. Didn’t talk unless he had something to say. I have no idea what happened. I know a lot of this is because he must be insanely insecure and in constant search of validation. And he’s become incredibly lazy. And I’d dare say he’s become quite the narcissist.
I am not willing to let him go. Neither is my best friend. We used to love this guy and deep down still do. We just have to find a to help him. He has zero self awareness so it’s insanely tricky. Any help is welcome.
11 comments
Sounds like he has such low esteem he doesn’t know how to connect with people.
You can try pointing these behaviours out and supporting him to address them… but also… why make your own life worse?
You can’t spend your life trying to change people or hoping they’ll learn how to be your friend well. Life is too short. You can’t “fix” him so you need to focus on your response to it, and learning to be happy / accepting in whatever he brings to the table.
It’s not easy to let people go, but given that you’ve just written all of this on Reddit, I’m going to guess you’re really really frustrated and struggling with it. From experience, the best way of navigating that feeling is having a break or making him a less central friend.
As an aside, I knew someone very like you described and no matter how much I tried to direct his behaviour and be patient, he always knew I was on edge with him and a little disapproving of his behaviour… so he tried harder to get my attention and show off how cool he was. Which made me more annoyed. Vicious cycle of irritation and sadness.
Seems like you just don’t like him anymore and you are the one not willing to acknowledge something.
If every remark he’s making has negative connotations around it then he’s probably not enjoying life.
Instead of throwing him away (as a lot of people tend to do cos we live in a throwaway society) it’s better to ask him if he’s actually happy with life… Or what would make him feel good… What dreams does he have or where does he see himself in a few years.
People don’t just become negative for no reason… There’s always an external factor influencing them…. Like, why do you think ugly, fat people are extremely depressed most of the times? Literally cos they’re ugly and fat.
Identify whatever’s making him so negative and try to suggest an improvement or path.
I was that guy for along time, took hearing on a podcast that “negative people are like cancer and you need to cut that out of your life” that quote made all the hairs on my arm and back of my neck stand up as I came to the realization that I was that negativity that people were cutting out of their lives, fast forward to months later I was in a serious relationship after making major changes in my outlook and personality and now I’m married with kids, I don’t think there’s anything you can do for this person they will need to discover it on their own, you can however cut that person out
Not sure you can actually help him. People need to be in a position to actually hear what you are trying to say. You could try an intervention with a couple of his valued friends. Start by telling him he is important to you and all his traits that he used to have that you respected. Then in as neutral a voice as possible explain to him that his unfiltered negativity and ceaseless attention-seeking has got to stop because it’s dragging everyone else down. It makes people not want to be around him. He’s changed and you don’t like the change. Find him a self help book to read, like The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*. The author has some good YouTube videos summarizing his points. Obviously therapy is recommended, but if he can’t afford it- books can help a little.
Not sure that’s gonna help- just a thought.
When he rewords and repeats what you say, have you tried responding with, “That’s what i just said”? And when he’s negative or whiny, what happens if you call him out? “I love you bro, but that’s bullshit, you just need to learn how to play.” “We all get it that you are really interested in [3-5 interests], which is great, but can we please talk about something else now?” Maybe if you set firm boundaries, and are really upfront with him, it could help. Ultimately, it sounds like he needs therapy.
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Does he have adhd by any chance? I think some of these could definitely describe me when i was younger.
I have a longtime friend that is just the same. It can be incredibly difficult. It sounds like this person has almost no awareness of their disposition, however. My friend had become aware over the years because of difficulties with his girlfriends, family, etc, and people in his life to keep him in check. His improvements came in bouts and it was certainly not linear. When he is stressed he regresses into these behaviors where he must take up all the oxygen in the room and he really is not aware or doesn’t care how it’s negatively effecting the people who have to sit and listen. The best way to handle is through genuine care, but also sternness. He can’t act that way. It’s not fair to anybody. We all have difficulties in life but we can’t displace them onto others. I’m sure he has goodness inside him still and that spark that makes him a valued friend, but it his disposition, it will always be apart of him. But he will need good friends to help him acclimate to social norms and good coping skills, where he could actually end up happier with some learned self awareness and guidance. At the same time if he proves unwilling to change, then he has chosen his path and you shouldn’t let it derail your life in the process.
Your post scares me a bit because I’ve realized I’m just like that (minus a few things).
I have also been isolated by people who I thought were friends after behaving like this. I did what I did because I felt insecure and wanted to fit in better.
Him copying/rewordings the things you say is because he wants to be more like you. I copied too, to fit in. I wanted to talk like them so I wouldn’t stand out. I was insulted of being “like a dog” for this.
Him refusing to help for little things is because he wants to assert himself and stop being a “doormat”, but he’s doing it in the wrong way.
He talks endlessly and pays no mind because he is trying to “be himself”. I did that too, thinking that “being myself” was just expressing every single opinion I had. I was ignored for about 75% of the things I said, which made me even more insecure of my place in the social hierarchy.
I am not like him in a few ways, though. I reciprocate people who help, I don’t too angry at being embarrassed. I don’t pretend to know stuff, in fact I actively acknowledge that I don’t know, but I get insulted for it. I don’t think I’m better than others, but some people think I do (that I think I’m better than them)
What can you do for your friend? He feels insecure, he wants to change. He wants to be more like you and less like him. Maybe he even wants to speak up and lead the group. But he’s doing it the wrong way. My only suggestion is perhaps showing him this entire thread, or just my comment.
stop being friends with them there done all your problems are solved