I (24f) have been married to my husband (28m) for 4 years, together for 5 years. I’ve been a SAHM for 3 of those years and I’m more than ready to start back working. Unfortunately I didn’t have much work experience before I got pregnant, so considering that and a 3 year gap it’s been really hard to get a job. So I enrolled in some classes to help my resume out and decided that I’d doordash in the meantime. Mind you we already doordash together(I get none of the money). I’d simply be doing some dashing on my own as well and actually make/keep the money. My husband is completely against it. He claims he fears for my safety but two weeks ago he finally admitted to purposely standing in my way all these years because he felt like me working was an insult to him so this just feels like more of the same. Don’t tell me to leave him because I’m already working on that it just takes time and money, hence why we’re here in the first place. But in the meantime does anyone have advice on how I can get him to calm down about me dashing because I’m gonna do it whether he agrees or not and I’d like to keep things peaceful. Also does anyone have advice on how I can help him accept that I’m making my own choices without him(he’s not used to that at all, I’ve changed myself to be submissive to him and that’s what he’s used to now). How can I get him to understand that his controlling ways aren’t healthy for any of us?
5 comments
It doesn’t sound like you’re going to get him to understand that, unless he prioritizes you over his ego (which it kind of doesn’t sound like he does)..
Just do what you need to do, and resist anything that forces you to be reliant on him. If he TRULY loves *YOU* – he’ll support you doing anything that makes you happier and supports your growth. If he doesn’t, then his opinion doesn’t matter, and you have every right to pursue your own independence.
While we only one on side. If you had been submissive most of your relationship, how sudden of a change was this? What was the cause of the change? Not saying the change is a bad thing. But if you changed all of sudden, he may not know how to respond. Have you tried marriage counseling? Having someone else there to keep things calm while you discuss the changes can help
He’s cheated on you… and he’s controlling you to limit your freedom. He already knows you want to work so you can leave. It’s probably not safe for you to stay. Consider going to stay with family or a shelter or get a roommate… if you are planning to leave do it safely and soon.
Is there any WFH or online part time work that you can do that he won’t have to know about? He’s financially abusive (at the very least) and you are already planning on leaving, so don’t try and get him to “understand”. He’s not going to. He never will.
Focus on you and your kid(s) and figure out what you need to do. Can you sell something?
>How can I get him to understand that his controlling ways aren’t healthy for any of us?
Unfortunately, you can’t reason with someone who’s abusive and controlling. If you could…they wouldn’t be abusive and controlling.
The only thing you can do is keep your head down – maybe try and maintain peace in other ways – and keep doing what you’re doing to make money so you can get out.