Throughout highschool I’ve fought *hard* against what I think could be social anxiety, or maybe it’s just general shyness? Either way, I went from someone very timid who hid and shied away from a lot of social situations to someone who can be outspoken and open if I have the energy. I was really happy with this improvement!
Then college is a completely different story. Maybe it’s my fault for choosing a party school, but everyone literally said, “oh, just find the non-partiers”. I have. I’m still as alone as I started. I’ve tried joining clubs and talking to people in my classes. I go to my room and I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from trying to make connections, then trying to keep up with my schoolwork, then I’m trying to keep in touch with people, and then there’s the goddamn partying so I don’t even get a peaceful weekend-
(not that I really blame them. The surrounding area is so sparse, so people turn to drinking and drugs or whatever in between.)
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I think both the whole campus’ partying and my inability to make friends is just driving me back to where I once was. I’ve really started to hate talking to people and the most I can do during my free time is sleep, because I have no energy to do anything anymore. I can barely get out of bed to eat (the food sucks too), but I guess I’m at least heading to classes so even if everything is kinda on fire, at least I’m doing what I’m meant to do here.
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I feel like I either picked the wrong place or just wasn’t built for something like this. I have no idea how to make this situation any better. I just feel so much regret in the fact that I chose this.
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Or maybe I’m just being dramatic and Halloweekend is just fucking hell- I just spent 10min in the bathroom because some drunk girls were screaming, singing, and trying to talk to me. man i just needed to pee, but I was so anxious from all the noise and chaos that I stayed in the stall…
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Im sorry and maybe its a bad week. Ive had so many awkward times.