When my loved one discusses something really heavy; I go right into solutions mode. I didn’t understand how that could be invalidating – but after more research and self-reflection – I feel more clear about this.
I always considered solutions to be supportive.
But I realized that in the past; when I needed solutions- I was met with apathy. When I needed a listening ear, I was met with solutions that I felt I had to accept for “people-pleasing” reasons. Now as an adult, I have this imbalance.
Can someone point me to a direction of how I can learn to show and be supportive without turning every heavy discussion into a solutions-oriented class with no snack break?
Are there any good resources you’ve used to help improve active listening?
Thanks so much for your time
3 comments
It’s not that hard, you basically need to stop caring about solving other person’s problems. If they need help then be sure they’ll ask you for help. If they just feel bad, you need to be around and listen to them and that’s enough. **You are not responsible for other person’s feelings in any way and you don’t need to fix them, you call let them live through their feeling.** It’s great if you have active listening skills, but sometimes they may come off as fake too, so it’s better to act natural here.
One of my best friends got me to do that a few years ago with one weird trick! She’d let me vent about whatever, and then ask “do you want advice or just to listen?” We’ve done that since, and I’ve asked other friends that question, and it’s paid off in dividends.
It’s all perspective honestly. For me, I can provide advice, solutions, and thoughts but support to me seems like sympathy. I guess the best support is to listen to the person and pay attention. Then analyze the conversation before comforting them