TLDR: husband texts other women. I lied about how I found out.
Curiosity got the better of me, and I went through my husbands phone. I couldn’t outright tell him I did so without him getting very defensive, so I said I had a message from someone telling me to look. He didn’t hand his phone over immediately. Instead waiting about 30 minutes to offer me his phone. When he showed me, the thread in question was no longer there. He deleted it. I told him I didn’t believe him and he threw his phone across the room at (toward) me. Now I’m conflicted because this isn’t just a one off incident of him telling other women he wants to “do naughty things to them”. We both worked with this woman. This thread also happened when I was in the hospital for 3 days last week to add insult to injury. Should I just ignore it and let it go, or admit I was lying about how I saw the message in the first place and confront him? We’ve been together for ten years and I’m so fed up but I’m not in a situation to leave.
26 comments
Get yourself in a situation to leave…
He has no respect for you. Absolutely none:
The sooner u can leave him, leave him. That’s all I can say.
I think you know what to do.
Also, I think that whilst you know what to do, no matter what the advice you receive, you won’t do it.
It sounds like you two have deeply rooted issues and without a couple therapist or will only continue this way.
So you both should stop deceiving yourselves and each other and either talk like adults and come clean, or call the divorce lawyers.
Awful person, him. Agree with everyone please leave him when you get the chance
You aren’t doing anything wrong so hells yeah confront him
Why are you even asking? Run with the speed of light obviously.
You had probable cause to search the phone, and you discovered incriminating evidence
You should’ve screen shot and sent to yourself
Doesn’t matter
You saw what you saw
Move back in with your parents, or a friend temporarily
Just get out
I’m not sure what you’re going to get out of the situation. Imagine different situations and which are probable and which are ideal. I wouldn’t bet on your husband being apologetic, so given that, what are you looking to accomplish?
I don’t think it’s bad to go through your spouses phone. My wife can go through mine if she wants and I can go through hers. Hers is boring and mine just stresses her out with how many unorganized apps I have.
>Should I just ignore it and let it go,
No.
>admit I was lying about how I saw the message in the first place and confront him?
Not necessary.
If anything, if he keeps declaring his innocence and gaslights you, tell him you saw the messages before you asked him… so he doesn’t need to spend so much energy lying to you anymore.
Did you take pictures of the text messages? Did you forward them or forward screenshots of them… and then delete the forwards from his phone? And, are you feeling 100% about what you saw? (It seems so. Otherwise, if nothing offensive was there, he wouldn’t have felt the need to delay showing you his phone and delete those particular messages.)
If you are certain of what you saw, it seems – at least – that he was emotionally cheating on you. And, he did so when you were vulnerable and in need when dealing with a medical issue. When telling him that you didn’t believe his lies, he acted irrationally and threw an item in anger AT YOU.
Start preparing to leave. Move to a spare bedroom if you have one. Make sure you are safe. Contact past co-workers or school mates to ask if they can allow you to sleep in their spare room or couch for a month or two if you ever fear for your safety in the next couple of months (emergency back-up plan). Contact family and friends at home to come help you pack up the majority of your items in an upcoming weekend (ASAP)… so you can have this task out of the way, you can take away the risk of him damaging your property if you have further conflict, and so you can leave immediately as soon as school is over. Get your finances squared away and arranged in a way that will give you protection for what is yours vs. what is his or what is shared. Contact a lawyer now for advice… or at the very least, consult with a friend or a call out to speak anyone who has been in a similar situation so you can ask questions and gain advice.
Yeah don’t tell him the complete truth if when he is angered he has abusive tendencies.( like throwing the phone). Why not just be honest and say you’ve been rethinking the marriage because you don’t trust him anymore. It’s not a one off thing he has done so just open the doors to let him do it because at this point nothing will stop him. Tell him to please bare with you until your done with school and that he is free to do whatever he wants just don’t bring anyone to the house. Simple.
Make an exit plan and do NOT tell him. He threw something at you, getting physically violent with you. That means there is a risk to you with leaving. Get yourself in a financial position to support yourself, find somewhere you can live (don’t tell him where), and file for divorce. Get a good lawyer, have someone help you move your stuff out. If you need to give him an address for mailing stuff for the court proceedings, get a PO box. Use that instead of your residence. It may seem little but things always start little. Its better to be safe than sorry.
If he got that violent from just that interaction, I’m sure it will only escalate if you tell him that you saw the message. Make your exit plans now, don’t tell him anything, and get out of there before he hurts you.
Whats good for the gander, is good for the goose? See how he likes it.
You need to ask him why he deleted the thread and admit you saw it. He most likely will deny & gas light you and you need to have a conversation with your coworker ( face-to-face) and ask her to fill you in. If she denies it. Then you have to decide if you are going to stay in an unhealthy marriage and look the other way or kick him out.
If a partner is throwing objects at (or nearly at) you – that’s a good time to go. Regardless, of the obvious cheating.
The fact that you had to clarify that he threw the phone towards you speaks volumes. The lying and cheating is one thing but the aggression should be a big red flag. Please get out.
GET OUT NOW!
When he threw the phone at you, not towards you, that should have been a BIG red flag. The POS will only get worse if you stay.
Why do people do this to other people that they’re supposed to love? I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
I would be mad. He betrayed you. You looking at his phone because you rightly suspected something was wrong is nothing compared to what he’s done. Don’t be afraid to rock a boat that you don’t want to be in (as long as it’s safe to rock and your spouse isn’t abusive). Also, of course he would have gotten defensive. Defensiveness usually means guilt. And he’s guilty which is why he threw his phone across the room. Call him out on his shit as long as it’s safe to do so. Trust me, it’ll feel so good.
Hulk smashing the phone is a dead giveaway
If you have no proof, confront no one. If you know this happens often, next time take screenshots with your phone for proof, meet him somewhere public if he is this aggressive, and when he lies tell him you saw the previous messages and these new one the last time that you asked. Now you know that he is not only a cheater, but a liar too. Have all of your stuff already packed to move, and a place to go. Next time you go get the rest of your things, don’t go alone. He is going to be angry, but would sooner take it out on you than accept responsibility for being a dumbass.
If you all still work with her, get the messages from her. She may not be willing to cooperate, but she may also not want to be seen in a bad light with the company. I would also record any interactions you have with her to be safe.
Your husband is showing violent tendencies that are dangerous and could become worse.
Personally, I’d write him off and work on my own situation to graduate and find a good job preferably far away from him. Since he shows you he’s capable of out butsts, I’d leave quietly while he was at work when you are ready.
First, STOP lying. Don’t do things you aren’t adult enough to admit. You have no right to be mad at him for lying if you lie, also. You have every right to be mad about what he’s doing but not for lying about it. Get your priorities straight. Decide what you are worth and where you draw your boundaries. Articulate your boundaries and the consequences for his ignoring them and showing disrespect for you and disdain for your feelings. Then follow through with the consequences.
Stay or leave, your decision, but know where your boundaries are and how he reacts to them and act accordingly. Boundaries you allow people to cross are just suggestions and not boundaries.
Edited for clarity
Honestly, I’d just let it go and check the fuck out. It’s not worth the argument, especially if you’re working on a plan to leave. Just completely check out, treat him as a roommate and live your life. Worry about your happiness and ignore him. I definitely wouldn’t be sleeping with him either, bc I’m sure if he’s talking to other women like this he’s most definitely fucking them too and you don’t need an STD on top of having a shitty relationship.