I (30F) have been with my current boyfriend (31M) for over a decade. I have really been evaluating my relationship lately and weighing the pros and cons. I just feel like we are kind of set in our ways in our relationship and the problems that are there might always be problems. I don’t know if they are problems I want to continue to deal with. I also know that no matter who I choose to spend my life with, we will have problems and obstacles. My current partner is my best friend, there is no one who knows me better. I don’t know if I’m over thinking or what. People who have been in long term relationships: when were you sure that it was over? Or when did you that you were with a person you couldn’t live without? Has anyone else experienced these mixed feelings?
Thank you!!
8 comments
Is this relationship fulfilling your needs? Are the issues solvable or happily livable?
Usually when you have to ask it’s a pretty good idea of where you are.
You wouldn’t want to hear my answer. I clung to my my marriage much longer than what was healthy because I didn’t want to lose her. What I learned from that though, is that you know in your gut when it’s over. It’s really easy to deny, but don’t lose your self respect trying to hang on to something that’s dead.
I’m currently in the process of splitting up with my long term partner (16 years) and for me it was like a bolt of lightning when you start asking yourself if you want to put up with this for the rest of your life.
Or if you were out with a friend/acquaintance and they spoke to you like that, or acted that way towards you, would you want to hang out with them again?
Are you enjoying their company anymore?
Do they take your side when you come home from work complaining about the idiots, or do they say it’s your fault your coworkers reacted to you that way?
I’m quite shy and tend to hold in what I’m really thinking, but I finally snapped and told my partner my feelings and how I felt and all I got in response was, “don’t like it, there’s the door”.
A decade into a relationships with doubts is concerning.
What is an example of a “always” problem?
Do you think you may be with this person out of habit, comfort, and attachment more than love at this point?
I’ve been married for 18 years. All marriages have moments of disagreement. You both are individuals with your own ideas and opinions. You are two people choosing to live together, but not one unit. It is important not to lose your individuality when you marry. That being said, it really does come down to how big certain issues are. My husband’s gaming all night used to drive me nuts. Eventually I got used to it and then began gaming myself. Lol
I think it’s about picking your battles and knowing if you mesh well. Is it a toxic situation or is it just annoyances? When relationships go on for a very long time, you have seasons. There will be times you are super close and other times where you feel so, so far apart. When you feel doubtful, if you love this person and know that you can’t see yourself without them in your life, you just do your best to get through it. Maybe take some space to do something yourself that you enjoy and see how the time apart makes you feel. Never forget to love yourself and keep your mental health a priority. When you are happy you see clearly and know what you want. GL
I’m sure by now, everyone has heard of Marie Komodo’s method for decluttering—“If an object no longer brings you joy, get rid of it.”
I use this sort of logic when it comes to people in my life. I’ve broken up with romantic partners, friends, and even some relatives because when I asked myself, “Does this person make me happy more often than they make me sad or angry?” If the answer is “yes”, then all is well in the world. If the answer is “no”, then it’s [snip, snip] buh-bye!! I just don’t have room in my life for people who bring nothing positive to it.
Dated someone for 14 years… honestly, it’s when you start to question it or start clinging on to reasons as to why you should stay.