My (24f) husband (28m) recently started a good job that happens to be his first office gig. Recently there’s been issues of transport and he’s had to catch a ride with coworkers. Two of them live in our direction so they take turns when he needs help. One of them, a guy, I’ve met. They go to play sports every Saturday and I finally met him when he picked him up. The other coworker happens to be a female of my age.
Now I’m cool with females in my husbands life. One of my best friends who has come to visit happens to be a guy and they are friends. I anticipated my husband would have female coworkers and friends and I’ve expressed to him I’m okay with that as long as he’s open about it and not weird about it (even tho I’ve had issues in the past with him and trust, I’m not the person that freaks automatically or forbids him).
Recently I’ve started feeling not right about this girl and I can’t feel if it’s just me being insecure. He talks about her a lot in normal conversations about work but not a lot of details in general. I said it’d be nice to say hi and thank her for her help when she swing by sometime and he kind of passed it off but agreed maybe sometime.
Now I’ve learned she joins the guys at basketball on Saturdays and feel a bit weird. It wasn’t information automatically offered to me, I had to see it and bring it up to which he didn’t hide it. Now I see it happened again this past weekend and seeing some texts that she was hoping he wasn’t leaving because “she didn’t get to see him play yet”. It just feels like maybe it’s crossing a boundary outta work, even tho he said basketball is just for work people.
I have not met her. They work together everyday, and half the time she picks him up and takes him home. I hear her scream giggling when she drops him off saying bye kinda cutesy. I don’t want to be insecure about this, but I’m not sure if this is something I should nip in the bud now.
Rides to work is one thing, but to make a point to see him play sports when I’ve not had one invite feels uncomfy, like she’s going just for him to root him on.
Again we’ve had some trust issues and stuff from his end with apps in the past, etc. I’ve been in therapy to really work on myself and insecurities so before I jump to anything I’m curious what others would think in my situation.
Thank you in advance!
3 comments
Although this is a long post, there is not a lot of detail.
Ultimately, ideally before marriage, there is a serious definitive conversation about what is okay and what is not. One thing that imo is a must in any marriage is a partner has a right to veto any friendship without question. I know reddit will hate and downvote me for this, but your partner’s feelings are more important than any friendship period. Assuming this veto power isn’t “abused”.
In my personal relationship, what is happening would be a big fucking problem and I would call him out on it. “basketball is just for work people” uh what??? Full stop, there are boundaries being crossed and you’re being played.
If you can afford therapy, now is the time for it. If not, you’re about to be the sexiest “work” basketball spectator on the court. Along with confidence in calling him out. “half the time she picks him up and brings him home” that needs to stop. Why the fuck doesn’t he have a beater he can take to work.
He has already exhibited boundary issues. She is crossing boundaries.
If he was serious about shoring up his boundaries, you wouldn’t be here posting.
Why can’t you go unexpected to the game on the weekends? You “wanted to surprise him..cheer him on”? It’s only employees playing but I am sure they have people watching.
Make your presence known. Set firm boundaries with your husband.