Dating for 2 months – We both go to college and we’ve known each other for over a year and I was his best friend through a relationship he had here in college so ofc I heard every detail but they ended after a few months and a few months later we started dating but now I know everything they’ve done together and it honestly pops into my head daily. I’m a virgin whose never done anything with anyone besides with my now bf (still a virgin tho) but my boyfriend’s done basically everything with other women and his ex (they’ve even done it without a condom, which is the kicker and what makes me the most upset to be honest). Like to me that’s the most intimate thing you can do with someone and it pains me he’s already done it with someone else. I cant even imagine us doing it without that popping into my mind. Like I cant even watch cre@mpie p0rn without ending up sobbing remembering that he’s done this with someone else. Is it possible for me to get over this please help
TL:DR
I cant stop thinking about the intimate things my boyfriend has done with other women and how none of it is special to him like it is to me
6 comments
Not being able to have a boyfriend with a romantic past is entirely a you problem and will always be a you problem, especially as you get older.
You need to figure out how to get passed this for yourself.
It not being his first doesn’t make any of what he does with you less special, and it he’s making you feel like it’s less special for him that’s more of a problem with him than it is his past
You’ll look back at this post in 5 years and realize how silly this mindset is. Not that I’m diminishing your feelings at this moment, cause how you feel is how you feel.
By putting virginity on a pedestal like this you’re setting yourself up for a very very bad first time with your boyfriend. The only way to “get over this” as you said is to sleep with your boyfriend honestly – is your anxieties the blocker at the moment?
Virtually anyone you date in the modern world will have some kind of sexual past. If you cannot handle that, frankly it sounds like you aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship yet.
As you get older, the romantic histories of people you might date will only grow, you will have to face the reality that everyone has a past.
Honestly if watching porn upsets you so much because it makes you visualize your bf having sex with someone else, you need to get some professional help.
Therapy. You’ve been programmed to think about sex as a life or death situation, and for many people it’s simply not that serious. It doesn’t mean sex is never serious, but sometimes it can just be fun and intimate, and both parties move on with no harm done. You have to put in the work to understand why this is such an intense feeling for you to get past this, and it won’t be easy.
It might be hard to understand this right now, but sex is unique to the chemistry between two people. If you have sex with him, it will be a special thing between the two of you. It will be something that no one else could replicate even if they wanted too.
The truth is you’re living in and asking advice from a generation that doesn’t think sex is a big deal. You’re not wrong to value it, but culturally, america has moved on from the idea of it being sacred.
If your goal is to just “get over it,” you’ll have to first think hard for yourself how you really feel about sex, not how you were raised to feel about it. Ask yourself, should people save themselves? Why or why not? Is it ok to do it with strangers? What about partners? If your moral code can be a little more flexible then maybe you can accept it.
Not wanting to think about your partners sexual history is normal. Slight feelings of jealousy or insecurity is normal. Especially when it was recent. But the way most others see it it’s a fact of life that our partners have a history, just like one day you might if this guy doesn’t end up being the one you marry.