This is the first time I am posting, not sure is this the right channel – but I am restless since I got to know the details of how my husband cheated on me. At moments I can’t breathe, I am so so unhappy, depressed and hopeless. It’s just 2 months since we got married, and I can’t share all this with anyone in my family, so I am posting this here, hoping for some peace, may be.
So thats how the story goes – I met my husband at my workplace 5 years ago, he was very kiddish, very innocent, deeply fond of me, a genuine guy. And I was in the same team as my husbands, but was only friends with him. As I was stuck in a bad relationship with someone else. I knew that I wanted to come out of that bad relationship, but didn’t have the courage to take the right step to come out of that relationship. My husband (then good friend) helped me a lot and helped me to learn how can I appreciate myself. With his help, I was able to take the right call and broke out of the toxic relationship I was in.
I always knew that my good friend (my husband now) liked me a lot and and really wanted to be with me. Initially I didn’t feel the same for him, but as we spent more time together – I saw myself falling in love with him. And we were together. All this is 5 years ago!
During these 5 years, we went through a lot : long distance relationship, my boyfriend having hard time to forget some details of my past – but all this seemed so little, because we loved each other a lot. We went on vacations together, we loved partying with each other, going on walks with each other, we grew up from girl-boy to man-woman together, matured together, progressed in our lives together. And except the above conflicts, we had the best time with each other. But unfortunately, we didn’t have good sex life with each other, because my boyfriend used to get images of my past whenever we were intimate and half of the times we ended up doing nothing or me giving him blow jobs. But both of us were stubborn that we can sort this out, and we actually did (at least I thought so) – from very little to a lot, we got intimate, we did foreplay, we tried different positions, and we were happy in our little imperfect world. He proposed, our parents agreed and eventually after a long wait – our wedding date was finalised. I went back to my home a month before my wedding (working from home) to prepare for the wedding, but my husband’s office were not very keen on giving a very long work from home, so he planned to travel 3 weeks later than me. And due to covid guidelines, there was change in wedding guests limits – so we had to postpone our wedding date by a month from the initial planned date. So my husband was alone for 1 month and 3 weeks in a different city than mine, and this is where everything toppled upside down in my life.
While I was at my parents place in a different city, my husband was staying alone. I felt little distant, because he started messaging me less, calling me less and whenever I raised this – he used to say that his battery died, he was working or he was not feeling well, or I should understand that he has lots of office work to do – so he cant be spending time on messaging me or giving daily updates. I felt odd, but thought he might be having work pressure. So, despite feeling sad I ignored it.
One day, he called me and says that he went for a coffee, and started remembering about my past and how he was uncomfortable with my past from the start and got very angry at me and went to prostitute. He said he only had blow job, and not sex – because sex is scared, he can only have with me. But he said he wanted to take frustration out and went for blow job. He eventually couldn’t finish because he got scared and he realised one cannot enjoy this if the other person is doing for money and not out of love. He cried a lot, he said he regrets doing everything and got swayed away with emotions, he promised he can never do this again. He said he loves me and is not able to sleep knowing that I might leave him after knowing all this. He was so sorry.
I cried a lot, I didn’t know what to do, my wedding date was finalised, I loved him and here he is confessing everything to me, promising to never repeat again – slapping himself, and begging of me to not leave him. I couldn’t leave him. I told him, ‘I am not okay with this and our relationship have gotten this irreparable damage, but may be time can help me forget this as long as you are completely honest with me’ — And this was my biggest mistake.
Fast forward, he is in the same town for the marriage, apologising in front me, holding his ears, crying and promising with his heart that he loves me and can do anything to reverse the time and erase his wrong-doing. After listening to all what he said, like a stupid spineless girl – I thought, this can be healed with time and we eventually married. And today is our 2nd month anniversary.
As I could never actually get past this thing, I always kept on bringing the topic back, asking him for more details, why he did this? when he did this? with whom? where? – and every time we discussed he ended up giving me a little piece of extra details. Once he said, if you got to know everything, you would have never married me. And that caused a lot of disturbance inside me. I wanted him to be completely honest, so I kept asking. So, he eventually confessed everything. And this is what he said :
\[He felt the urge that he just had few weeks time before he would get married, so didn’t stop after the crying phonecall he made to me where he promised to never do this kind of thing again. Instead he said, that paid blow job services were not good – there is risk of STDs, so he created account on portal called ‘friends with benefits’ and with anonymous name started looking for casual relationship (where he only wanted blow job). He said he desperately wanted it, because he didn’t wanted his sexual counter to be only 1 – because I was his 1st girlfriend, and to be wife as well. He wanted to fulfil his fantasy of getting blow job from a Chinese girl. He met few girls, told some stories, and eventually lured one girl to give him Blow Job. He said this is my bachelor party time and this is my hall-pass, so in his mind he was not doing anything wrong. He said every boy can do this, girls wont understand this\]
But after going through all this and marrying me, he said that he has more respect for our relationship now and he loves me more than ever now and imagines his life with me, so he wants me to forget everything and continue loving him. But I am broken fully inside, I can’t let go the fact that he continued cheating on me, chatting & meeting girls from ‘friends with benefit’ and having blow job eventually. And that too after making all the promises to me over call, where I forgave him like a stupid girl.
I don’t trust any of his words anymore. I think he will cheat on me again. But whenever I say that I want to go-way, he starts saying that he loves me, kisses me, cries in-front of me and what not.
But I feel that I can’t forget this, and can’t love him the way I used to. What should I do, I am stuck. I got cheated.
42 comments
No, this guy is shitty, make sure you have something in writing where he confirms he cheated, could help with whatever legal proceedings are coming your way.
Talk to a lawyer, separate, get a divorce. They do not respect you or your relationship.
Edit: dming, I’m having a hard time coming to terms with you seeking out a bj right before the wedding, why should I feel secure that you wouldn’t do that again? Can I occasionally check your phone for the apps you used to make that happen?
If they call to respond instead of dm, be prepared to record it (look into your state’s laws first pertaining to recording convos w/o consent).
I’m sorry you’re in this position. My heart breaks for you reading this – but you must know the longer you stay the worse it’ll be…. You deserve better. It was not a one time thing nor was he honest about it from the start. There’s no reason to forgive him here.
When I think of the details leading up to and shortly after my wedding, nowhere do I recall hoping she would tell me she went down on another guy while we were dating/engaged.
I believe every relationship is built on unconditional trust; your “husband?” knew what he did but felt guilty about it. Not guilty enough to be honest with you but guilty enough to know what he did would cause you to leave and not go through with the wedding.
So what did he do, he cheated on you then lied to you so you would go through with the wedding. Once the ink was dry, he confessed to get his conscience cleared.
That is one manipulative piece of garbage.
I couldn’t live with someone who not just cheated on me but then manipulated me into marrying him. This is the equivalent of a girl cheating, getting pregnant, telling her partner it’s his so he will marry her then coming clean about it after the wedding.
Personally, I would seek an annulment. You wedding was a lie so there should be no record of it having ever existed.
Good Luck!
What’s all this about “your past”? This guy is creepy as hell and the first time he denied you because of “your past” you should’ve bailed. Dump him now and call it a day.
No because he duped you into marriage. He lied during your vows, he lied for a long time and now that he thinks you won’t leave him, he’s making himself feel better by ‘telling the truth’.
You deserve better.
I would totally divorce :/
Sure, forgive him this time, the real question is, will you forgive him next time it happens? Because it will happen again if you forgive him.
Let me get this straight… You are your husband’s first relationship. He holds your past against you, which manifests as him being a selfish lover and turns your intimate times into you servicing him while you get nothing in return. He got cold feet about being married, and his immature response was to cheat. And then he confessed, but still lied about the extent of his cheating so that you would still marry him. Sound about right? If so, divorce him, and make sure your next boyfriend is grown up enough for an adult relationship
Girl he is a POS, I’m sorry. This makes no logical sense to me. He’s still upset about shit that happened before you even got together, and you’re supposed to forgive his cheating on you, LIKE THAT’S NOT A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE?!
nope because he withheld this to get you married based on a lie
So he can’t bear thinking of your past when intimate, so he sought out and paid a prostitute? Did he have trouble getting hard for her when thinking about HER past? I bet he didn’t. Btw, even if he’s telling the truth about how far he went, he still put your sexual health at risk. You need to get tested.
Super manipulative- slapping himself?! Guilt tripping you over having a sexual history? Allowing you to stand up in front of all your loved ones and pledge your life to him after he cheated with a prostitute? Stop trying to polish this turd. Get out before you drag a kid into this mess. This man is unstable, dishonest, and devious. There’s nothing left to save.
You know what you do? You get out out of there when he isn’t there to guilt you. You either pack your stuff. Or if you own the place pack his stuff. And end it. It may take a minute to really gather everything along with divorce papers. But its needed. He is not worth it
So, he went to a prostitute, then told you over the phone, crying and telling you have sorry he was. AND THEN he set up an account to meet Chinese girls to lure them into giving him blow jobs?? So he wasn’t actually sorry after the first time. Well, i guess he was sorry for himself because the experience wasn’t good enough for him. But this is all somehow your fault because HE cant let go of things in your past?
No. He married you under false pretenses and while lying to you. He then waited to tell you, to make sure that you didn’t change your mind. His reasoning is just more lies, he’s only telling you what he thinks you’ll believe and excuse.
He’s a bad person and he’ll do it again. Leave.
You left one toxic relationships for another.
See if you fan have the marriage annulled.
big fat NO
That’s so disgusting and lowkey racist. Please run, OP 🙁
no
He has issues with you having a past, so much so that he imagines you with them? The fuck?! He needs therapy, he isn’t ready for a relationship.
If you are in India or South Asia I’d recommend you try to speak to your parents or another family member. The advice you’ll get here is to leave him, the impact that’ll have on your life, whether you’ll get support from your family or not, they’ll be able to advise on.
Personally I agree that you should leave him. He purposely waited until after you were married to tell you. He will cheat on you again. Right now you are only 2 months into marriage, you may be able to dissolve or annul the marriage easily. Basically, it will be easier today than tomorrow.
There are better men out there and you deserve better. Please don’t waste your time with someone who is so selfish and disrespectful…
So you make a decision in this very post- you can’t trust him, you don’t love him the same and you just can’t get over this. That’s your answer, and therefore you need to leave.
It doesn’t matter what he says or how he acts now. He can be truly sorry and remorseful and that doesn’t mean you have to forgive him, especially forgive him enough to be married and build a life together. Most people cannot getting over cheating, and the way you feel means you shouldn’t stay married. Your feelings matter, and in this case matter more than his because he did the wrong thing here, and if you can’t trust him, you need to leave him. It doesn’t matter if he says he will never do it again or any other promise he makes; your heart is telling you that the love isn’t there, you need to go.
I will also add that the way your husband has acted means that it is likely he will do this again. He couldn’t let go of the fact that you had previous sexual partners- more than him- even though that has nothing to do with him or your relationship together. When he was left alone for a short period of time, he acted on his desires to cheat and tried to say it was because of YOUR past and jealousy he can’t get over. Then he lied to you again to get you to marry him about the extent of what he did. So now he has lied and cheated multiple times. What happens when you two have a fight, as all couples do? What happens when you have children and you are both stressed out, over tired, and maybe don’t have as much time for each other? There are going to be so many times your relationship will be tested in the future, and you are starting out at what should be your strongest point (the honeymoon phase) with a man who is a liar, a cheater, and said he did all that because he is mad about things that have nothing to do with him and certainly are things where you didn’t do anything wrong.
Get a divorce. You might be able to get it annulled by saying he committed fraud, as he did lie about the extent of his cheating.
Trust me, this guy will do it again, and much better to end this before he takes up more of your life.
Annulment. Period.
No, no and no. Cheating is a conscious decision. He could just as easily decided that cheating is wrong and not did it. But he chose to cheat. That says a lot about a persons morals. And he has none, in my book. And no matter how much he says he will change, sorry but that won’t happen. Life is too short to waste on a cheater.
OP, no one would forgive someone who has done this. You need to get out before you guys have kids and you are stuck with his cheating a** forever.
This is hideous, thats a break of trust impossible to get over IMO. He’s manipulative, delusional and acts like a child. Definitelty deserve better! Leaving is hard, especially when newly married, i really feel for you. But what would be harder is a long marriage with someone you cant trust and treats you like that.
Nah, he waited till you both were married so you probably would hesitate to divorce or leave him. So yeah, don’t forgive him and leave.
You can but I wouldn’t .. if someone cheats they’re not worth anymore time then you’ve already given them cause they obviously don’t value it
this guy sounds like a fucking loser lol. u deserve better.
His tears are manipulation. You can’t trust anything he says. And he waited until you were “trapped” to tell you. Run and don’t look back.
So sorry, OP, but my advice is the same as if the roles were reversed. He is not worthy of your love and devotion. Divorce now and get it over with. If you don’t you will spend years regretting letting things continue on.
Forgive him to clear your conscience but don’t feel the need stay in an unhappy marriage because you’ll regret it, no matter how difficult it is right now. He might be a great friend and confident but it doesn’t always mean he’ll be great in a relationship.
There’s something very wrong about a person who would lie and omit things to trap you. He knew that you would not have married him if he told you the truth and only said this afterwards because he feels like you won’t leave. He lied when he told you it was only the prostitute and he lied about the reasons why, blaming issues with your past while continuing to cheat on you. I feel so sorry that you have to go through this, given everything you’ve been through.
You can prove him wrong by showing that you have more self worth than to stay with someone who cheated and lied more than once. He’s already proven to be unreliable and are you willing to put your sanity and health at risk? Don’t fall for his emotional games saying he loves you and won’t do it again etc. A person who truly loves you wouldn’t cheat and lie knowing it would hurt you so deeply. If he loved you truly, he would not have felt the need to see people behind your back. This is likely going to be a pattern with him.
Please don’t feel like you need to stay with him because you’re married and he helped you in the past. You do not owe him as much as you think. You deserve better and are worth so much more than what is given to you. When he decided to marry he should’ve been certain and respected the relationship before not afterwards.
Actions speak louder than words, I’d reevaluate my values and expectations in a relationship. I’ve seen these things happen a lot and if you’re unhappy now, it likely won’t change.
If this is how he truly he loves you, you do really want to be loved like that?
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
This guy is an insecure, selfish, immature, sexist asshole. First, I hate it when guys hold your sexual past against you, you are your own person, you are not his property, everyone has a past so you really can’t get mad at people for their past relationships. It’s incredibly childish that his view of you would be so badly affected by knowing about your past, seriously he was clearly mad about your past because he views you as his property, not a complex person with feelings. And probably also because he’s incredibly insecure about his lack of sexual experience. And he further proved this by cheating on you and manipulating you to forgive him. So many red flags. Leave this guy quickly. He will cheat again.
Also I’m concerned, you can still definitely get STDs from those hook up sites, so definitely be careful, get tested and do not trust him!
It’s only been 2 months. My vote is that you divorce him and move on. You deserve better. He has issues (he actively sought out someone to cheat with!) and yes he is very likely to continue cheating. Nothing he is telling you makes sense and nothing will justify what he did. If he wanted to gain more experience he should have stayed single, not marry someone who expects monogamy. And if he had a huge issue with your past, he should not have dated you. This is all on him. I am sorry you are dealing with all of this.
You know the answer . You are extremely unhappy and feel unsafe in the relationship . It only gets worse and you will never forget what he did.
I only want to say that all have a past and you say in the beginnig, he was the option to accept or not, and he do, he can’t be angry by not accepting and by other way you dont have many options, he chosed the correct words to you can be accept, he hide the realiyy.
You have every right to have a past. Every fucking right!!!
Unfortunately you jumped from one shitty guy to another. Divorce that dickhead.
You will waste so much time trying to move past this and a really good thing to do to grow as a human is accept nothing that hurts you. Walk away deal with the temporary disruption and love yourself for ever for backing yourself and you’ll set a standard that will serve you well . Every second trying to live with it will only waste your sweet time and weaken you. If it hurts now how do ya think it will be in a week , month or year from now ?? Your with a loser and someone that can harm your future and well being . There is good out there
>Should I forgive my husband (and boyfriend for 5 years) who cheated on me just a month before marriage and confessed after getting married ?
No.
You are not stuck. You are not stupid. You are strong. You have the courage to leave. Go do it.
Oh no. He’s a manipulative creep. He will never bring you happiness. Blames YOU for his infidelities with all sorts of random? JFC. Run, don’t walk.
It depends. Are you happy settling for someone who doesn’t respect you enough to let you make informed choices?