My (31F) husband (50M) asked me for a paternity test because he thinks I cheated

48 comments

1. I think you need couples therapy to get past this. He owes you that.

2. You have every right to be hurt. I would suggest couple’s therapy if you have any chance of working through this. He needs to understand how profoundly he hurt you and this isn’t something that just an apology will fix. For how upset he was that he thought you cheated, you are now that upset that he not only didn’t trust you, but he also spoiled so much of the happiness you should have been sharing around your baby.

   Yes, maybe he had a good reason, but you also have a good reason to be hurt because you did nothing wrong at any point.

3. He’s married to someone 19 years younger than him, don’t expect him to be rational or emotionally intelligent or mature

4. 22 and 41. Yeah there’s a reason he went after someone that young. Don’t expect him to be mature for his age.

5. Therapy. Together and separately

6. It emotionally hurts to be doubted when you know you are loyal… I’d imagine you brave faced it and now you have feelings caught up to you that your husband needs to understand and validate.

7. I’m more concerned about why a 22 year old thought it was a good idea to get with a 41 year old.

8. He made it clear he doesn’t trust you. That needs to be addressed and worked out. I’d say couples counseling.

9. The age difference is glaring and worries me for you. Why are you making excuses for a man half a century old? He basically said “I don’t trust you.” And you made excuses and when he was proven wrong, he’s swept it under the rug with a shrug and apology. Why are you minimizing this betrayal? How would he feel if you one day told him you thought he was cheating without any reason to believe so and demanded proof that an affair didn’t exist? He would be livid, wouldn’t he? So why aren’t you?

10. Goddamn with the age gap. Drop the predator if you’re tired of being controlled

11. Honestly I would try marriage counseling. Even then personally him asking for a paternity test is something that I could never forgive. I know they aren’t the same but I’m my book it be almost like him asking for an open relationship. It would pretty much be over. I would take it as he didn’t trust me. Without trust there is no relationship

12. >it was understandable that he doubted me

    No, it wasn’t.

    Edit: the post did not mention them being told it was impossible he could father a child when I answered it.

13. 22 and 41, yeah that tracks.

    I would be filing for divorce but that is just me.

14. In all the years of trying to get pregnant and going to all kinds of specialist… they never did a sperm count?

15. Ah nice, yet another story of a middle-aged dude preying on a 20 year-old girl, what fun.

16. You can try couples counseling, but it’s hard to get over your husband not trusting you and accusing you of cheating. Add in to the likely additional problems that come with a 41 year old pursuing a 22 year old and there’s probably a ton to sort out in your relationship.

17. Therapy. No trust=no relationship. Also, he should get tested to see if he even has an issue besides regular decreased sperm count with aging.

    Holy age gap!

18. Oh, did you really ask reddit this? Listen these are his insecurities. He was honest eith you. Of course it hurts, but the flaw was in him. Relationship are messy.

    He doubted himself and so he doubled you. Unfortunately thats how insecurities work.

19. Age gap we meet again.

20. If he truly felt that he was completely infertile, I can kind of see where his mind would go there. But also, he’s dumb because he could’ve done this privately, and he would’ve never known.

21. Just know that a woman his age would not take that shit and stay silent.

22. Ah, the ol’ age gap again

23. My husband was told at a very young age that he could never have children. I told him I was fertile ASF. We have an 8 year old son. It is his 99.99999 percent. They take DNA tests now to be able to put the father on the birth certificate. I was lucky enough to find a great man.
    You’re husband is projecting onto you. Don’t feel bad. Some men never grow up. I’m sorry you feel the way you do. And it’s okay to tell him how you feel about it. Don’t bottle up your emotions. If he doesn’t understand, then maybe get a marriage counselor. Maybe then he’ll understand.

24. Couples counseling is needed. Burying your hurt isn’t working. You gave him no reason to doubt you but you were pretty much guilty until proven innocent with how he refused to take part in the pregnancy. Get into counseling for help figuring out where to go from here.

25. Make it very clear to him that he has hurt you deeply, and that it is up to him to mend things. What will that entail? I’m not sure, but he had better get to work on figuring that out.

26. 22 and 41 and you thought he was going to be a catch 💀

27. You can’t get past this without talking about it.

28. Normally when long-term partners ask for paternity tests, I’m on the side of “don’t accuse your pregnant wife of cheating, you jerk.” But if the guy literally believed he was sterile *because a medical professional told him it was impossible for him to have children,* it’s kind of hard to blame him for having a hard time accepting the baby was his without a test.

29. You lost me at the age gap. You might not care but it’s part of the problem.

30. >And I don’t care what you have to say about our age gap because I didn’t ask about it, it was never a problem and it is not a problem now either.

    It literally is part of the problem actually. You have a 50 year old man acting like an immature teenager and you don’t think that’s a problem? You don’t think that may have something to do with why he isn’t with someone even remotely close to his own age? My husband is in his mid 20s (as am I) and this would be exhaustingly immature behavior for either of us.

    He’s not mature, good, or responsible just because he’s older than you.

31. Considering what the doctors told him about his ability to get you pregnant his reaction was understandable. Most people have zero idea at least at first when their partner is cheating. I think you need to get over it and let it go. He knows the truth know and he knows he was wrong.

32. Sounds like projection. Infertility isn’t the same as sterility.

    Something changed over the years, you got pregnant and the first thing he jumps to is you cheated. You’re making excuse after excuse to justify this man disrespecting you in the worst way.

33. Age gap is a problem whether you like it or not 😂. Love reading about all these girls enabling predators…like no duh you have relationship issues.

34. My dad was told he would never have kids due to an injury in his teens. Well I have 7 siblings 😂😂

35. I hope you ask him for couples counseling. Asking for the test maybe is understandable if he just truly believed to his core he was sterile. But the way he acted when he was struggling with his doubts hurt you deeply.

    The sooner ya’ll can hash out what this meant for each of you individually, for your relationship, and for your growing family, the better. You have a right to have ongoing feelings about what happened. If he’s a good man he’ll want to honor those feelings and work through them with you, even if it takes time and therapy.

36. Ew your husband was dating a 22 year old when he was 41? Gross

37. People in here act like no one (especially women) ever cheat and then they do not lie about cheating. Some people cheat. Men and women and some lie about it and will swear to everyone and their mother they didn’t do anything of the sort.

    20 years, a storybook marriage. No fights, no asshole controlling (either of us) and splitting of everything (household and otherwise). We had everything anyone could want. Enough money, great home, no debt, wonderful well-adjusted children.

    Boom, she sleeps with a teenager and concocts a really stupid plan to take everything and move him in.

    Needless to say, once I stopped pretending I didn’t know something was up, I found out. I really found out, like everything.

    She was a completely different person than the one I married.

    Once reality hit, that she didn’t automatically get to kick me out and move a child in as a replacement and how absurd and ridiculous the plan was…and SHE was leaving and not coming back… of course she “woke up” and “realized”.

    Point being is that people cheat, it is not some shock and it’s not new. The guy couldn’t conceive or truly thought he could not, they went so far as to adopt, then she gets pregnant. It’s not a stretch to wonder, especially if there are parts op is leaving out, like 9 years in and sex isn’t a priority anymore, intimacy is low and someone is distant, stressed or otherwise. Shit happens and we do not know what OP’s husband was thinking or going through.

    I am sure believing you could never become a biological father also weighed on him.

    But here you all are assuming OP is an angel because she told you she was and hubby is some raging controlling and abusive asshole.

    I am sure OP is an angel, but that does not mean we have to shit on the guy, it’s an unfortunate thing and it is understandable if there is more context. Their communication needs work, but who’s doesn’t. I thought I shared everything with my wife, because I did, she just didn’t share back. I had communication issues too.

38. A real quandary. You both clearly love each other and the children so I hope you can eventually recover. Perhaps individual or couples therapy might help. But I would be like you, shaken that my partner could, without any basis, suspect me of such dishonest and treacherous conduct. I would also be very affected by his change from indifference to affection with his daughter. Good luck and enjoy your latest child together.

39. So you were 22 and he was .. 41? Ew.

    Would you hit up a 20yo boy even at age 31?

40. You need to get a counselor for both yourself and as a couple. Talk through things with a professional and try to build back the trust between the two of you if you want to healthily move forward with your relationship.

41. That’s a really harsh blow to you, but I don’t think this is unfixable at all.

    Go see a solo therapist for like 2-3 sessions with the express purpose of discussing and *overcoming* this with your husband through couples counseling. He needs to not just know but understand your hurt and having someone mediate with that is going to be a big help.

    I don’t know your relationship but, just given how this went down, maybe then you two can work on communication overall. It would be better if he could learn to talk to you instead of keeping it bottled up and only letting it out passive aggressively – and therapy literally teaches you *how to*.

42. As a reproductive healthcare specialist who focused on patients with fertility challenges, I can say that competent fertility specialists don’t use the word “impossible” with any patient whose reproductive anatomy is intact. They talk about probablities and percentages, they may say “next to no chance” or “I can’t see how” but not impossible – largely because they don’t want to be sued when that “impossible” pregnancy happens at the wrong time or with the wrong person, but also because of situations like this. A one in a million conception with a happily married couple should be cause for celebration, but it was turned into something ugly and hurtful.

    This is not a forget and forgive moment. There was a momentous rupture of trust in this marriage, and that requires work to repair. OP, you and your husband need to be in counseling to figure out how to do that work together, and you need to get on that before you’re mired in the work of a newborn and the exponential increase of responsibility of going from 2 children to 3.

43. I’m going to go against the grain here. Not commenting on your age gap here. You do you. However, think about this from your husband’s perspective.

    He was told by a medical professional that he cannot conceive naturally. Based on your post, he has tried for many years, with at least two different women(You and his ex) to conceive and it never happened. He probably gave up the hope that it can happen, and now that it did happen, he probably was blindsided and his mind raced in a million different directions. Your best bet is to get counselling, and speak this out with your husband. Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to give you the full picture about what is going on in your husband’s head. Only he can do that. And the best bet you have is to pursue this with the guidance of a trained professional. Congratulations on your pregnancy OP, and best of luck

44. #1 Congrats all the best to you and your family they’re lucky to have you both!

    ​

    If he believed what the Dr’s said then he might think you cheated. Since he doubted you now you’re hurt.

    Though it’s hurtful and unfair it sounds like you’re going to need to figure out how to move thru it.

    All the best to your family.

45. If an expert tells him it’s impossible for him to have kids naturally, of course he’s going to be suspicious. If he had come on here and relayed your story with that info, 75% of the comments would tell him that obviously you cheated and he should lawyer up and get a paternity test. The other 25% would attack him for being married to someone so young.

46. >I understood his fears so I accepted the paternity test because I really know that I never slept with anyone other than him and I had nothing to hide. Well, the test came back positive and he apologized for having doubted me and I told him that I forgave him because it was understandable that he doubted me, but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel bad because he didn’t trust me. I never gave him a reason to doubt me and yet he believed that I deceived him and even worse, he thought that I cheated on him, that I got pregnant and made him believe that this baby was his, **And thinking about it hurts me a lot and I’m afraid that this pain won’t go away.**

    I’m taking this to be the issue here. But I also want to highlight something in your edit, okay?

    >**And I don’t care what you have to say about our age gap** because I didn’t ask about it, it was never a problem and it is not a problem now either.

    I want you to pay attention to the two statements I’ve bolded from your OP above.

    Let’s start with the age gap. There’s nothing inherently wrong with an age gap in a relationship. There’s often age gaps in same sex relationships. Age is just a number. That saying, every time you start a relationship with someone new there’s a risk that the relationship will either fail (not work out) or develop issues. Most relationships don’t work out. Roughly half of all marriages in the West end in divorce.

    Relationships with age gaps, particularly in heterosexual relationships fall into the same category as long distance relationships, in that there’s a significantly higher risk of the relationships either not working out or developing issues. Just as you have two people from different backgrounds and cultures coming together, with an age gap you have two people at different stages of life coming together. It can work, just as the impoverished Uber driver can meet and marry the daughter of a corporate CEO, but only if you find a way of overcoming the differences.

    I also want to highlight this part from your OP.

    >not because he looks old because **the truth is that he looks very young for his age**

    Keep in mind thar I, like most people here, don’t know the full story of what’s going on in your life. We can only take your OP at face value and use conjecture from our own knowledge and experience of life to fill in the blanks.

    Now you both got together when like what? You were 21-22 and he was 40-41, right?

    So what’s the story of you two coming together? What was the penultimate factor in you choosing him as your partner through life? Was it his youthful good looks? Was it his social status and financial position? Was he good in bed? Or did you feel that you needed an older male figure of authority in your life? Someone just like Daddy? Or someone perhaps because there was no Daddy? Or in place of Daddy?

    Then there’s this..

    >I never gave him a reason to doubt me and yet he believed that I deceived him and even worse, he thought that I cheated on him, that I got pregnant and made him believe that this baby was his, **And thinking about it hurts me a lot and I’m afraid that this pain won’t go away.**

    But see you’re the one who’s in denial of the challenges posed by your age differences. You’re also the one who’s hurting here. It’s a very simple equation going on here – denial + hurting = suffering.

    >but he was so distant that I couldn’t even be happy about it. He went with me to most of my doctor’s appointments but he never showed interest in the baby, he is always quiet and in the last two he didn’t want to go with me, and I felt very hurt by that because he loves our children with his life and seeing him act that way towards our daughter who was not even born yet really hurt me.

    You have been married 9 years. Your husband is 50 years old. Exactly how many specialists did you see? I get that you becoming pregnant can be a major surprise and seem like a miracle, but see here’s the thing. Throughout that period when he knew you were pregnant there was no communicaton, no discussion, no sharing of feelings or inner fears. It went straight from surprise and amazement to a direct accusation of you cheating on him and getting pregnant.

    This is not an insignificant thing. This isn’t something like “Honey, you’ve just eaten the last two slices of bread.” This is a very profound statement that your husband doesn’t trust you. Now that would hurt you even if there was no age gap. But I guess it’s hurting you that bit more because this is the most important man in your life who you have been holding in authority throughout all the relationship.

    **And this is EXACTLY why that age gap matters here.**

    See this is the thing about karma. Karma is not this freaky swirly divine system of retributive justice. Karma is – memory, action, choice, consequence, it’s the basis of all physical existence.

    You do not make your choices and decisions in life in a vacuum. There is no such thing as free will. There is no such thing as freedom of choice. Every single choice and decision you make in life results in a consequence, and the consequences of the past choices you make determine the choices you are able to make in the present moment.

    Some of the choices you make in life will keep on coming back to you, presenting you with other difficult choices, again and again, again and again, throughout your life.

    >**And thinking about it hurts me a lot and I’m afraid that this pain won’t go away.**

    Ah but you see, weren’t you the one saying that the age gap has never been a problem? Did you not choose to enter into a relationship with this man? Did you not choose to get married to him? Did you not choose to adopt two children with him? Did you not choose to try to conceive with him as the father? Or was this some kind of arranged marriage?

    You two have been married for nine years. Okay so where is the trust? Where is the communication between you two? What have you been doing for the past nine years?

    Let’s assume that it’s not me writing this response. But God. What if God read your OP and simply wrote “Tough shit. Deal with it.”? Then what?

    I get the injustice of being wrongly accused of something you didn’t do, but see on the other hand you knew about the age gap all along and you held your husband in authority probably throughout. So okay cling to your hurt and pain and see how it turns into a seething, caustic resentment of your husband as time goes by.

    At some point you’re going to have to accept all those choices you’ve made in the past and deal with the consequences of the life you’re living now. If not for yourself then for the children you’ve brought into your family.

47. He didn’t think age was a problem when he was 41 and you were 22

    So let me get this straight: he claimed that he was “too old” to be a father when he thought your daughter was a bastard, but now after the paternity test, she’s “Daddy’s Girl.” What a self-serving prick

    Fun fact: he’ll be 72 when she, at 22, starts dating a 41-year-old guy. Good times

48. I feel like you need to imagine it like that: he was trying over and over again, there was probably a lot frustration, and he probably tried to accept that it is him and he will never have a biological baby – over the years he accepted it but I guess it wasn’t easy to get to that point.
    Then, you got pregnant. But how, if he isn’t able to make you pregnant? It is not that he thinks you have been cheating, but it is the only solution to this. In his head. Like he can’t imagine being the father of this baby. He simply can’t as the years he was actively trying where so hard and full of Frustration. And also, we tend to see the negative things especially when it comes to ourself. So every day he sees that baby and he can’t be sure. He trusts you, but cheating happens to the best people, doesn’t it? So a paternity test was probably his only way out of this.

    Idk if it helps, but I guess sometimes we are so impacted by our own thoughts we can’t see reality.