Am I just a boomer mom or is my daughter in the wrong

44 comments

1. >I basically told her she can’t do that

   According to whom?

2. When keeping it real goes wrong.

3. As long as she’s still practicing safe sex, I don’t see a problem. (Assuming she’s open and transparent with both of them, and that this is more of an ethical non-monog situation than a cheating situation.)

4. Gently, I do think you’re wrong. As a mom I would be alarmed, not going to lie. I would worry about things like her health and her reputation sure. But that’s rooted in my baggage, my upbringing, my opinions, all things that would have nothing to do with my child.

   It sounds like everyone involved knows about each other and is communicating. As long as all are respectful and communicating and healthy etc, what’s really ‘wrong’ here? We don’t get to decide what our children’s relationships look like. I suggest starting talks about power dynamics, boundaries, and privacy. Make sure several people aren’t walking around with her nudes, etc.

5. Look up the book called “The Ethical Slut” and do some research on Polyamory.

   Yes, some people date in groups. It takes a lot of communication and negotiation but why not start learning these skills now where she still has you to look out for her?

   *edit to add r/polyamory

6. Well, I would be worried about her reputation tbh. I am Gen Z myself and think that’s a pretty stupid idea. The girls in my friendship group who slept with multiple boys at once or in a short period of time are usually troubled and unstable. Same goes for the boys btw.

   Just my 2 cents.

   (I am from central Europe though, so maybe your culture is somewhat more lenient.)

7. Most people aren’t going to like this response. You’re the parent. Your job is to determine, based on your own life experiences and external information, what’s best for your children. As long as your children are under your roof, you dictate the rules.

   When dating my now wife, her father put rules in place that she had a curfew and we were only allowed one evening together per week; as our relationship progressed those rules were lifted. It was his way as a parent in ensuring that I wasn’t cancerous to his daughter or her future. I see nothing wrong with this approach.

   I do believe this will require a degree of tact to navigate so as to not produce a massive rebellious attitude.

   At the end of the day, your house, your rules. Showing your children why those rules or boundaries are put in place is the tough part.

8. I feel we need to differentiate between several unrelated questions.

   Is your daughter emotionally ready to handle ethical non-monogamous relationships? I don’t know her, but probably not.

   Will telling her she can’t do that help her understand her feelings and handle these relationships? Nope.

   Will sharing some of your ideas, as you are a more emotionally stable and experienced person than she, help her navigate these relationships? Possibly, depending on how open you and your daughter are with each other. The fact that you have an explicit (and sane) condom policy and private time policy makes me feel that your daughter is likely to hear your advice.

   EDIT to follow up on the edit in the OP: I agree that teens being more emotionally vulnerable than adults or prone to peer pressure are valid concerns. The advice to talk them through with your daughter still stands. I’d start from “I had told you that you can’t do that, but I pondered on that and realized that I want to discuss some concerns of mine with you before I make up my mind”.

9. I was like your daughter as a teen.

   I dated two people at once, both knew, and my mother told everyone I was in a “weird three-way relationship”. I slowly began to just… Stop telling my mom about my relationships.

   I still date people non-exclusively, am in my 30s, and have never felt comfortable sharing that part of my life with my family due to the fact that they clearly think I’m abnormal.

   People are “allowed” to do whatever they want. Just because it’s not the norm doesn’t mean it’s inherently wrong, and especially at your daughters age she needs support and understanding more than your judgement. Do some research on ethical non-monogamy; that may give you some good talking points, or understanding.

   Best of luck!

10. Imna Dane and we are quite a bit more lenient than Americans when it comes to this. I’m a little supprised that you’re giving her just one hour of privacy. I’d not at any time walk into my daughters room without knocking. And a closed door don’t mean anything as such. We have taught the kids that if a bedroom door is closed you knock and call. I expect them to do this and we give them the same.

    But that aside. You’re doing great. Sure having two boyfriends like that is unusual. But on the other hand Id say that I’d they are all cool with it. Why not?

    Don’t worry too much. But you might want to really consider that they are going to want and need more privacy as they grow older.

11. we went through this in a different way, but years later it was because one of the guys she said she was dating was because he was gay, and was still hiding it.

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13. Just because you gave her certain freedoms doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in anything she does.. As the father of 17 and 13 year old boys, while I try to get them to think and make responsible choices, I don’t give them carte blanche on everything..

    Their brains are still developing and they just don’t have enough life experiences to understand all situations and handle them correctly.. So as a parent, it’s my responsibility to set guard rails and boundaries albeit wide boundaries where they experience freedom to experiment and make choices..

    Some others have said that we should let the teenagers figure things out.. They need to fall down to learn etc.. While, to an extent this is valid, we definitely wouldn’t let a 15 year old to experiment with heroin to figure out it’s not good..

    At 15, you are just beginning to learn about relationships and sexuality.. Is that easier with one person at a time or 2 people? Where do you draw the line? If your 15 year old says she wants to date 6 people simultaneously, is that OK?

    We do need to use our experiences and wisdom and guide our children, set boundaries and help them develop in a safe environment..

    I am not sure just supporting them on everything is an option.. I really don’t know how a 15 year old can comprehend, much less navigate multiple simultaneous relationships..

14. Think carefully before taking some of this advice. Remember, most adults can’t handle these types of relationships—much less a kid.

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16. OP I know this isn’t exactly what you asked, and I know you probably already know this, but if your daughter wants to date multiple people at once, she will whether you like it or not. Might as well let her do it in a safe, accepting place where she can learn if this is truly what she wants.

17. Boomer refers to a specific generation that you are likely to young to be in.

    Idk, if your daughter is open with you enough to tell you she is dating multiple guys.. then you can have a conversation with her.

    I think i’d tell her that the men she meets in this world are going to push her boundaries all of her life, they are gonna want to see what they can get her to do, they are going to use her and many of them are not gonna care about her and some of them could be dangerous or violent. I think i would try to explain about how consent is hers to dole out and especially the first few relationships are gonna leave a mark on her heart. That multiple partners are often inspired by things done in porn movies by unhappy people who aren’t looking to be kind or please a woman. I think id try to explain that it might be cool or fun or playful but multiple partners tends to end with one person feeling underserved and unloved and jealousy makes people behave poorly. At her age she should probably try to figure out how to date a single human before moving onto whatever this is. Dating is supposed to be about bonding with someone and exploring who they are and who you are and how to be considerate and caring, and while poly groups try at that they rarely if ever succeed. I think id tell her she doesn’t have to reinvent the wheel and dating multiple people is just not what humans are built to do. And that she has only a few years to be so young and delicate and you would hate to see her speed through that and you would hate to see her mistreated

18. I do see what seems like a lot of posts from younger people about threesomes.

19. She’s 15. I wouldn’t allow this in my house… People act here like she’s 20.

20. Reddit is quite honestly the wrong place to ask this question; it’s incredibly liberal and pro-sexual liberation. Whilst this isn’t inherently bad, it often can lean too far into it, and almost certainly is doing so in the apparent consensus being to advise you to be totally okay with your teenager having a polygamous relationship.

    Polygamy is an extremely difficult relationship dynamic that fails in almost all cases, requiring an almost-perfect level of knowledge of one’s self and intense levels of empathy and emotional intelligence.

    Yes, it’s a trendy little fad, especially among younger age groups… but you have every right as a parent to stray her away from this at that age, for her own good and that of others.

21. Polyamory/non-monogamy is becoming more visible, and as long as they’re all consenting, treat this as you would any relationship she has.

22. Hi, parent of a teenage daughter that is also dating two people. One is female the other is male.
    I was weirded out at first and said the same.. Like umm no that’s not how it works.
    It seems oddly but that is how it works and among her friend group most of them are dating in groups. They don’t have alot of drama and honestly its been like 6 months now and they manage well and are all open about feelings and emotions. So I’ve let them be and am just glad she’s learning to communicate and have healthy relationships.

23. I agree with others that she’s likely too emotionally immature to handle such a relationship, but we *all* were too emotionally immature at that age to handle any relationship. She’s practicing. Maybe this’ll be right for her. Maybe it won’t.

    As an example: my brother in law and his husband have a boyfriend. They’re all open about it and we (my wife and I) enjoy spending time with all three of them. But my wife and I realize that type of relationship isn’t for us. It works for them; it doesn’t for us.

    That doesn’t mean either they, or we, are *right*. Just different.

24. Not everyone is monogamous, it seems like both boys are aware so I’m confused on the problem? Why exactly can’t she do that? Why does she have to engage in monogamy if she doesn’t want to? I’d make sure she’s being safe with them both tho

25. I am really concerned about the boys. Sharing a girlfriend is not a sign of healthy emotional development.

26. As a father of a daughter, I don’t think your concerns are wrong and I sympathize. I would totally freak out in this scenario. My wife is much more “liberal” with her parenting so I fear such things. I’m not necessarily a strict or heavy handed parent, I just think that we have l try and be as nice and liberal
    And understanding as possible, but they should understand that they simply can’t do everything they want. I don’t think this is a matter of being a boomer. Serious research indicates that the brain isn’t fully developed until 27 or even 30 – much later than previously thought. So although an older teenager might look like an adult, they’re still a little far from it. Or at least further than what they think. I used to think I knew everything at 20, 23, 25, and that I was an adult who could make his own choices. I was wrong.

27. At the age of 15, I would be extremely concerned for her and her future.

28. People tend to react with anger and denial when they encounter poly in real life for the first time. Poly challenges their world view. Monogamy is something that has been socially reinforced for literally millennia in western culture. Monogamy is more deeply entrenched as “the one and only true way to live” longer than anti-homosexuality has existed in Western culture.

    You took the next step. Rather than doubling down, you stopped and questioned yourself. Good job! Many people never reflect and refuse to change once they’ve reacted.

    At the end of the day, relationships are all about informed consent. If everyone knows what is going on, what’s offered, and what’s acceptable, they are able to consent to whatever arrangement makes them happy.

    It might not be an arrangement you would find personally gratifying, but that’s ok! You don’t have to participate. Someone saying “yes” does not invalidate your “no”.

29. The biggest issue with this situation IMO is that these boyfriends might potentially be manipulating / exploiting her in some way, as well as potentially bad mouthing her if things go south. I’d just make sure to talk to her and explain the dangers of this situation. Otherwise it’s her time and her body.

30. I don’t know if you’re in the wrong but I don’t know if I could be as lenient as you are (but I’m not a parent). Kids who want to have sex at a young age are going to have sex whether you let them at home or not. It would take more work to find a place to have sex with two partners though!

    I would definitely be having a conversation with her (or direct her to some good sources) to make sure she is really comfortable with consent, boundaries, the difference between physical abuse vs bdsm etc. Kids today (and adults too) seem to think that choking/slapping and other BDSM shit is the “norm” in sexual relationships and NO ONE is equipped to be doing that without understanding consent and how to proceed safely. I’d be nervous that the lines of consent and abuse territory might be blurred when there is a 3rd party involved in sex at such a young age (power dynamic of 2 boys pressuring 1 girl to do something they both saw online etc). I’d also hope she was on a form of birth control in addition to using the condoms because the risk of pregnancy has now doubled.

    She’s going to do what she wants to do regardless of what you say. Maybe she won’t do it at home but you can’t “stop” her from doing whatever she wants. The best you can do is to make sure she’s got access to education, resources, knows how to protect herself and is comfortable coming to talk to you with any concerns (which is so hard to do with teenagers even about silly stuff!). And don’t let those boys come over and go straight to her room. Make them spend time with you too. That’s all part of “dating” someone- getting to know their family. 🙂

31. You can find out more about what nonmonogamy can look like in

    r/nonmonogamy
    and
    r/polyamory

    Nonmonogamy isn’t inherently wrong or bad just like monogamy isn’t wrong or bad. But people can do both very badly. And there’s more opportunities to do nonmonogamy badly because there are more relationships. I hope you can be supportive of her, and maybe even provide some resources for her (that can be found on those subreddits) so she can approach this in a way that is healthy.

    More and more young people are rejecting monogamy as the norm, but it’s hard to navigate relationships without the structure society has formed around monogamy. It’s not a just go for it kind of thing. It helps to read and listen and learn a lot about how manage more than one romantic relationship.

32. I wonder if the boys are genuine about this polyamory, or just going along with it for the threesomes.

33. I know grown ass adults who can’t handle monogamy.

    Not sure age since hs could be 14-18 but I’d recommend the following books:

    Non violent communication
    Opening up by Tristan Taomorino

34. Being poly or at least exploring that has been increasingly normal among younger progressive people yes. And you might wanna consider the fact that the boys may have already been dating and that your daughter started dating them both. Its kinda weird to say “its not fair to the boys”. They are old enough to make their own decisions.

35. Ya’ll really thinking its ok for a 15 year old to be dp’d while her mom is downstairs watching TV?

36. One of the most insane threads I’ve seen in a while. Folks this is a 15 year old, they can barely handle a normal relationship let alone one with multiple partners. Yes any reasonable parent would and should be concerned in this situation.

    It’s great to be accepting and open with your children but there’s lines that don’t need to be crossed here. OP you’re her mother and you are allowed to enforce rules in your house about your child. She can practice safe sex all she wants but I can’t think of anyone being okay with their 15 year old having a threesome in their house.

    I will say instead of just forbidding her from it, sit her down and explain why. Also the parents of these other kids need to be involved if this shit is just fine fly, I find it hard to believe their folks would be just as okay with all this. Just know OP that telling her no is a sure way for her to do it elsewhere, that’s why talking to her is important.

37. Lots of comments and ideas here – so I’ll be one of the many.

    I don’t think its normal or expected behavior. That being said she will do what she wants. I have never known of a 3 way relationship to work out long term, and someone always gets hurt. One commenter mentioned she still has many partners and they know about each other, and that’s gotta be difficult for them to handle – even if one or two is okay with it, I’ll bet the third just accepts it. Anyway – I would help her to see that sooner or later one or all of them could be hurt.

38. First of all, you can tell her that you are most certainly not a boomer. I am one of the last of the boomers and my daughter is 40.

    Second, if your teenage daughter is taking both of her teenage boyfriends (who happen to be cool with each other) into her bedroom with the door closed, she is probably just getting used for gangbangs. And probably in her room. And from reading recent news reports about teenage boys who got their teachers busted, teenage boys are pretty good about making videos of such encounters and sharing them to prove the story. And she is going along because she is desperate to be accepted.

    Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right. Maybe you should find out.

39. Your daughter needs containment in this stage of life not this level of freedom as suggested by the all understanding reddit. Teach your girl containment and she will raise good kids on her own. Understanding and freedom to do whatever one wants is not always the way to go. Jesus christ this post and comments made me physically ill, is there a father in that household?

40. Info: is she actually dating two boys at once or is she being coerced by her boyfriend into having sex with his friend as well?

41. No, you are not wrong. These commens are insane.

    She’s still a child by all accounts. If she wants to do this when she’s grown, fine, but she’s not. She’s not an adult and you are not her friend, you are her parent.

42. Probably take her to counseling. Why would she feel the need to date 2 boys at once? Maybe it’s the social media age, maybe something happened to her and affected her growing up.

43. Holy shit, having kids sounds like a pain in the ass lol.

44. I’m going to skip the developmental stuff that has already been addressed, and just note the simple stuff.

    You’re not “just a boomer.” Yes, she *can* date multiple guys, but *no*, it isn’t normal. As others have already said, it’s unlikely she’s mature enough to handle non-monogamous relationships. Also, it’s not just her, but both of the boys would also need to be emotionally prepared for it.

    And TBH, with open access to condoms, and privacy, and two guys with her in private, it’s not difficult to speculate about what might be happening behind that closed door. Think about how mature a girl needs to be to deal with that without eventually feeling used. I think she’s in a minefield and doesn’t know it.