I’m a 19 year old female. I crave sex all the time but I don’t enjoy sex. When I am having sex, it feels like I am watching it happen rather than experiencing it. I’ve had over 10 partners and I have been in love with some. Penetration is either uncomfortable or feels like nothing. Oral sex couldn’t be any more boring. I feel like my mind and body are not connected in the moment. Sex is most pleasurable when I am intoxicated. If I am worried at all about being caught or heard, it’s just not happening. The solution would be to stop having sex, but I think about it and want it all the time.
20 comments
Sounds like you might actually need to talk to a professional, a therapist. This is a major sexual hang up that could’ve been triggered by past trauma…
Do you think it’s a matter of being attracted to the gender you re having sex with?
Find someone who you feel comfortable with and someone who loves your personality and isnt just gonna be down to fuck. U can make anyone interested the second u show him youre into it. But for you, you need to find someone you enjoy being around.
Some medications can disconnect your mind from your body
Maybe you need a deep emotional connection in order to connect to the physical act. Slow down and try to build trust and feelings before the physical. Maybe it will help the connection.
The third person POV is caused by more effort than contemplation, are you the only one doing the hard work ? Are you relatively fit ?
Are you on any type of medication by any chance ? That could be a possibility.
Me too… I’m a 18 y F and I literally can’t feel sex but when i cant have it I crave it even tho I know I won’t feel anything
You sound like the turn on is more in the mental stimulation than the physical. I’m similar. The “in and out” can get repetitive and I need to read erotica before engaging and do more interesting things during. Don’t see it as a problem.
You can practice being more in your body and grounding in general- through breathing, through identifying physical sensations, through grounding through your 5 senses. Master this when you’re not having sex and then it might translate
Rather than waste time and effort on psychiatry, find someone you’re attracted to, spend time with them, talk about this, and be honest.
Then enter into sex with no expectations other than your own pleasure. Tell each other to be open, asking for what you want. Grant all that you can from each other, and keep trying.
My guess is that if you do this, you’ll find joy, and comfort, and possibly a mate for life.
You should talk to a therapist or counselor about this when you can, I don’t think reddit can help you because this sounds like it involves something you went through and sharing intimate details about your life isn’t something you should just do online
you’re describing severe dissociation and the way to work through it is with a qualified therapist who you trust and you feel heard and understood by.
i highly reccomend the book come as you are by emily nagoski. there’s a free podcast version too if you can’t afford the book or don’t like to read. it really helped me understand why i felt detached and how to relax and get back in touch with my body and the experience.
Do you watch porn?
Intimate sex is different from casual sex. A deeper connection with someone you care about may help.
Have u tried black men? Are the men you’ve had sex with actually your type? Are they sexual or just having sex? Are they small?
While I agree with other comments that there might be something psychological going on, I don’t think it has necessarily anything to do with past trauma and something sinister.
In fact, I think it’s perfectly normal to not feel in the moment, and disassociate when any number of factors intervene : a new place, a new partner, a partner who you don’t yet feel completely comfortable with, if there are people in adjoining rooms ect. I’ve had sex where I felt nothing, because of lack of connection, lack of foreplay, wrong partner ect, today with a partner with I’m familiar with and who is a very good lover, the sex is amazing. So please, don’t give up too early, there is such a thing as really bad sex, it’s not necessarily your fault.
The question is, do you enjoy masturbating? Are you able to reach orgasm when alone? Would a dildo be pleasurable to you?
Do you think that if you have a partner you are comfortable with, is familiar and whom you can trust, plus an ideal environment, conditions where you feel 0 pressure to perform and are completely relaxed and the focus is 100% on your pleasure, you would still disassociate?
Maybe you can try massages, longer foreplay, toys ect with these ideal conditions. If after all that there is still no improvement, then yes the problem might be more serious and I would join my fellow redditers in saying that consulting a therapist would be the next step.
Get a little toy and try things out, girl. Sounds like you just haven’t found out how to push your buttons. A vibrator can do real magic. Once you have figured out what you like and how to get it you will enjoy 👍.
Start some experiments and look what works for you.
When I was your age penetration and oral was super boring for me too and didn’t do a thing at all, cause young man are super super inexperienced if it comes to the female anatomy.
The more you know about how you work the better you can teach them. Good luck 🤞
You want sex or you want the attention that you can get through sex .? My wild ass guess is that you need to have a guy or someone who pay attention to you not necessarily having sex