It’s basically as the subject says.
I have put on about 15 lbs since we met 2.5 years ago and I’ll admit that I’m a little overweight (I’m 5’7″ 161 lbs), but I eat rather healthy (never eat fast food, drink soda, or eat a lot of unhealthy snacks/foods) and I go to the gym when I can between working over 70 hours a week. I do take my dog for a walk for 30 minutes twice a day, so it’s not like I don’t do any exercise at all. We even went to the Alps recently and did some 6-hour 2200 ft elevation-gaining hikes recently, so I’m not completely out of shape. I also have difficulty losing weight due to an autoimmune disorder, but it’s not impossible for me to do so.
Anyway, I noticed he has recently been talking less and less about our future over the past year (he used to talk about it all the time). Then a couple days ago he sat me down to tell me that while he appreciates and loves me for many things, he can’t marry me unless I lose some weight as he finds me less attractive and sex is really important to him. Another thing is that he knows I have body dysmorphia and have struggled with eating disorders before, so him saying this particularly hurt because he knows my weight is a really hard topic for me, and him saying that I’m not attractive to him anymore because of it has totally crushed any confidence in my appearance I had built over the years.
I know everyone has their own physical preferences and that’s totally fine; I understand that to some level. I really love him and would be willing to put in more effort to workout more and try dieting, but it made me feel like he will never love me unconditionally, even if I do lose the weight. I’m now questioning whether he actually loves me for who I am at all or if my looks are what’s most important to him. Until this conversation, he’s treated me really well, so I feel like I owe it to him to lose the weight for him. But then my logical side says that even if I lose the weight now, what happens in the future if I have a kid or my body inevitably changes due to the simple fact of aging? Will I always be worried about him leaving me because of a number on a scale? It has me questioning my value and the strength of the relationship.
It’s just hard because I had thought he really loved me for who I was as a person, not just a body.
45 comments
Trust your gut on this. This is not a “in sickness and in health” type of person. You deserve better than that.
He’s showing you who he is. Run.
A guy that puts conditions on how or when he’ll love you isn’t someone that will be there when you need him.
I’m sure you’re pretty and good looking so please don’t let this tear you down.
You gained 15 pounds – that’s not a lot at all, healthwise or otherwise. Dude is TELLING you you have to stay a certain weight – that you can’t fluctuate at all – KNOWING you’ve gone through ED before.
Drop. HIM. He does not want a human for a wife – he wants a doll that will never age, never get sick, never change weight. You WILL always wonder if he’ll cheat or leave.
Find someone who loves you for YOU!
Yeah this isn’t right. I’m sorry he’s treating you this way. You’re right, 15 pounds shouldn’t change how he feels about you.
Never ever have kids with that man… if he’s freaked out by 15 pounds, I can imagine his reaction at the bodily changes and weight gain during pregnancy.
Do not marry him. He’s not someone who will stick by you “in sickness and in health”.
You are way more active then a lot of people. Your metabolism is that normal weight and it’s healty for you. Only a small population is «instagram model».
And he KNOWS that this is a sore subject for you, he purposefully hurt you.
What about if you have kids? He will find you ugly?
And When you will have a little bit more weight in your 60-70s? Normal and healthy?
This relationship is doomed and not long Term , please find someone who will love you as you are <3
>It’s just hard because I had thought he really loved me for who I was as a person, not just a body.
Well, since he doesn’t, you know what the answer is.
Marry someone who loves who you are, not for who they wish you were.
You should absolutely lose some weight.
I’m gonna guess between 200-250 lbs should do it.
You are more than just a body. What happens if you decide to have kids and have trouble losing the weight? Or if your metabolism changes as you get older? Or when menopause belly hits?
Unless someone is really into fitness, most people’s bodies change as they age, have different lifestyles, etc. You don’t even sound overweight to me and this guy is already complaining.
The only time you should lose weight is for your health, when you want to. Please leave this guy and find someone who loves you for you- at 150lbs, 160lbs, and 170lbs.
He’s already told you that “sex is really important to him” and trumps most things, including, potentially, your recovery journey and mental health.
If he goes on an extended trip, if you’re temporarily put on bed rest, if you simply don’t feel like having sex, “sex is really important to him” and he’ll do whatever he feels he needs to have that need met. That need wins out.
It will be hard to leave, but consider how grateful future you will be glad that you did <3
You yourself said “he will never love me unconditionally.” You have explained your own fears.
Dude…15 pounds isn’t much over the course of 2.5 years, especially if you go to the gym. Trust your gut on this one and really think about how he’d act in any situation that could alter your appearance.
Nah nah nah fam. I had a whole thing typed out but it doesn’t matter.
You’re about to lose about 190 pounds of excess weight. Him.
I didn’t read a word beyond the title.
How is this not a deal breaker?
Lose 190 lbs permanently- dump him. You are still in a healthy weight and love should not be conditional!
Dump him. Guaranteed you are hot to someone that would appreciate you.
Nope. Fuck this guy.
Imagine if you have a baby or something happens and you become disabled or just plain ol’ old age. He’s not the type of guy to stick by your side and support you. Thank him for showing his true colors before you got legally entangled and walk away now. You deserve better. Bodies change over time. Love shouldn’t be so shallow as to be dependent on that.
Yes it is hard. But the thing is, if this is the way he thinks it won’t get any better. I would break up now. The damage he will do to your mental health if you stay together will be huge
he’s not the one for you my dear
Im sorry- you deserve SO much better than this. Dump this child.
Whoa – 70 hour weeks? Are you being compensated for that? Because if not, you are just tossing on 75% extra unpaid hours. That’s just nuts. If you only showed up 10 hours a week, do you think your job would stand for it? No – they would start screaming about theft. I’ll leave the boyfriend to everyone else in the sub. But you need to set boundaries at work.
I suppose he’ll expect you to stick with him if he starts losing his hair, though, right?
Get out, girl.
A couple of things… no one will ever love you unconditionally- conditions exist and they should. HOWEVER if 15lbs makes or breaks it for your bf then he likes what you can do for him or maybe how you make him feel… he isn’t really in love with you. Good thing you’ve found this out now and before marriage and children. I’d take all of your hot self buy an outfit that looks amazing on yourself, dump him and crack open a bottle of wine before going out with some friends.
Leave him. You’ll just feel judged every moment you’re around him.
For the love of God don’t let him put a baby inside you
Sorry, your boyfriend is a monster
I am so sorry. As someone who has struggled with body dysmorphia for a long time, my spirit and confidence would be totally crushed if my partner ever said that to me, no matter how much weight I’ve gained.
Wanting your partner to be healthy and the best version of themselves is important and there’s a lot of ways to communicate it, but to start loving them less simply based on the fact that they’ve put on a little bit of weight does make it sound like he’s in it more for the looks than for the million other amazing things I’m sure you have to offer as a partner.
He’s not worth keeping around and the sooner it’s done, the better. Good luck op! Wishing you the best 🙂
if he can’t appreciate you at 15lbs, he doesn’t deserve you at your best weight. get out
Do not marry this asshole.
Marriage is supposed to be more than weight but he is now telling you that nothing about you matters but the number on the scale.
You’ll just go through this again when you have kids, or if you get sick.
If he actually cared about you, he would be talking up the wedding plans and talking about how both of you should work your asses off to get in shape for pictures like how everyone usually does before a wedding.
15 pounds in two years quite frankly shouldn’t even be noticeable to him, tbh. People don’t even notice you’re losing weight until you’ve lost 20 pounds in the first place.
This is where you break up with him.
He is right you do need to lose a chunk of weight. How much did you say he weighed? Yeah thats the weight you need to lose.
Red flag big time…what happens (god forbid) you have an accident that alters your appearance. Then what? Marriage is being there no matter what
First you are not even close to being over weight. You have more muscle than fat you are not unhealthy. But his mentality towards what a healthy woman should look like shows how insecure he is a man😞
Lose the weight for u and only u. If he truly loved u he wouldn’t care about your extra 15lbs
Girl. The only weight you need to lose is your POS bf.
Yeah, this guy isn’t a keeper. Using weight as a condition for marriage is pretty crummy. If you do this, you set up the precedent that he can give you hoops to jump through before he will love/show commitment to you.
How would he respond if you sat him down and told him you would only be attracted to him if he changed XYZ? Would he do it? Would he be offended? Just something to think about.
Don’t stay with someone who is willing to cancel your marriage plans over 15 pounds.
You “owe” him absolutely nothing! If he REALLY loved you, he wouldn’t let his love and your future depend on that little extra weight. And frankly, his attitude is pretty pathetic. That’s not real love. And if you already have body dysmorphia, his behavior is even worse! While it’s always a little difficult to give advice to complete strangers over the internet, if I were you, I’d end the relationship.In the end it is your decision but at this level you simply cannot have a sensible and healthy relationship and possibly marriage. I think you would be much better off with a man who loves you as you are!!! I wish you a lot of strength and strength so that you can make the decisions that are right for you!
So… 15 lb is *nothing* in middle age. Wait till your 40s! It is incredibly rare for the majority of adults to not gain 20+ pounds between their 20s and their 50s
I’m not saying this is true for everyone, and yes I know that there are many people who were very heavy when they were younger and who lose weight and get in shape when they are older
What I’m saying is that it’s *far* more common for people to gain weight as they age. Even if they don’t get fat, they tend to get thicker or stouter. This is normal.
Almost any person you might want to grow old with is probably going to get a little bit heavier as they age
If 15 lb is a deal breaker for him, then you are looking at a lifetime of constant agonizing about your weight, and it seems like that’s something you’ve already been through in your life so you already know that you don’t want that again.
It sounds like this ultimatum from him should be a deal breaker for you
Friend, I’m so sorry. He may be telling you his truth, or also he could just be making up a reason that he doesn’t want to be with you. If it is either of these, he’s not your guy. This rule won’t end. You will feel this pressure about your body forever. It will eat you up. I think you should move on. I’m sorry 🙁
Title only: I had a bf say promise to loose weight or we break up. It was like 40lbs +. I said goodbye right then n there. Made sure to send him a picture of me yrs later much thinner, see his positive reaction then block him again. Lol.
>he can’t marry me unless I lose some weight as he finds me less attractive and sex is really important to him.
Hows that gonna go as u age, pregnancy, menopause, etc?
> so I feel like I owe it to him to lose the weight for him.
Disagree with that sentiment. Should only be bc u want to for u.
>But then my logical side says that even if I lose the weight now, what happens in the future if I have a kid or my body inevitably changes due to the simple fact of aging?
💯
I feel petty about this topic, u should come up with a demand for him also, see how he takes it.
you’re in luck bc he’s showed his true face to you before you get legally tangled up. you don’t need to lose 15 lbs, just lose the 190 lbs of Man.
He should love you for who you are not how you look. 15 lbs is not a lot of weight especially if you are on meds for an autoimmune disease, if he is so put off by 6 kgs yr relationship won’t survive if you have kids.
Never feel you have to lose weight for anyone or change anything else unless it is something you want.
Don’t marry him because he doesn’t care enough for you as a person but more a body in his bed. Imagine if you got really ill or disabled due to an accident or you had a baby that was not perfect do you think he will support you or a baby.
Getting married or having a future with someone shouldn’t be transactional (you lose weight, I marry you). It should something that comes from love and understanding we’re humans.
Also what you said: what happens if you have a baby? Will he cheat on you during pregnancy/after delivering because you might not want to have sex? and what happens if you age and can no longer move freely? will he go for a younger woman in your time of need?
But he’s correct, you do need to lose around 250 lbs…… ditch that turd of a man.
>But then my logical side says that even if I lose the weight now, what happens in the future if I have a kid or my body inevitably changes due to the simple fact of aging? Will I always be worried about him leaving me because of a number on a scale? It has me questioning my value and the strength of the relationship.
Listen to your logical side, it’s pushing you in the right direction.