I posted previously about this guy – [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/17la1b1/should\_i\_be\_worried\_if\_the\_guy\_talks\_about\_sex/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/17la1b1/should_i_be_worried_if_the_guy_talks_about_sex/)
Thank you so much for all your comments. I did read through all of them and proceeded with caution. We met up one more time last Sunday and when he drove me back he asked me in the car how I feel about him. He is worried that I was not interested. I was very honest and I told him that I had no feelings for him but I would like to know him more. I also told him there was a level of interest but I did not have as much interest as him. He said he believed that it was normal to not have feelings and he was happy to give me time. He talked about how he believed in physical intimacy could help with bonding and he was interested in that physical sense, again. I gave him a hug, he asked for a kiss on the cheek – which I did, then we went home separately.
He did not text me the next day. I always wonder why he was so interested but did not really try to talk to me. Then on Tuesday, he texted me about having a bad day at work and asked for a cuddle over text. I was not any where close to where he lived so he was just being flirtatious, I guess. I did not say, ‘yes, let’s cuddle’ and he took it as a rejection.
He said that I was not interested and said that I should let him know if I wasn’t interested. He was very upset about the rejection and sent me long messages regarding how he feels, how he wanted to get physically intimate and me not OK to a cuddle is the same as not having any interest.
We lived far from each other. We were not even physically together and it is not like me pushing him away from a hug or something similar. I think that he equates interest to having intimate moments, which I have already told him that I cannot be intimate with someone who I barely know. Him reacting in such a way was a sign of how insecure he was? We met up on the Sunday before – two days before the conversation about how we felt. Two days later, he was reacting in this way? Was he even telling me the truth and really was happy to give me time to know him more?
He did apologise afterwards, and said that he was only having a bad day and he said he was insecure. He said I should not judge him by one bad experience.
What do you guys think?
Thanks in advance.
36 comments
Sounds like unattractive and needy behaviour to me. I agree that it sounds a little insecure and given a physical distance between you it doesn’t even make sense to ask to “cuddle”, especially when you aren’t even close to being that close romantically. Kind of weird and it would put me off.
Edit: I read the previous post before and also agreed with the consensus that it wasn’t necessarily a bad sign that it was mentioned, yet here we are asking for a sanity check again! Looks like you should trust you gut 😉
I think this is way too much incompatibility way too early on for this to be worth your time.
Chalk it up to him not being your person and move on!
Doesn’t look like it’s gonna work out.
He’s going to keep whining until you have sex with him. He’ll likely ghost after. It’s pretty clear he’s only interested in a sexual relationship.
I remember the other post and I’m genuinely baffled you even gave him more time at all lol
This is a proven incompatibility and honestly a red flag if a bad day makes him incapable of regulating his emotions to the point of lashing out at you
Insecure, needy, overly focused on physical intimacy. I’d be done. This is brand new, not off the ground yet, and it already sounds exhausting.
This guy has made it clear he wants sex. Cuddle over text-really? He was opening the door to sexting. He is just looking for casual and probs does this with all the ladies. I would let someone else cuddle him over text.
You guys just met and it’s good for him to tell you he’s insecure, but you’re also right to notice and feel uncomfortable by what he’s asking for. You’ve already explained that you need to get to know him more and are bothered by the frequent physical talk.
Some people do soothe through hugs and touch, but the healthy way to go about doing it is through a family member or friend. Not someone who you’re still getting to know. He’s pushing past a boundary you’ve made whether he’s doing it consciously or not.
Boundaries are for ourselves so now that he’s done this, you should ask yourself what you want to do now that he’s pushed past them. Unless he’s working on this himself through a therapist, I don’t see this not being an issue. He’s not a bad person if he’s doing this unconsciously and not as a roundabout way to sleep with you, but at the same point this is making you uncomfortable. A lot of people experience insecurities, but it’s not on you to live with his so it’s okay to move on.
If he’s doing this consciously, then you absolutely need to move on since it’s manipulative.
He comes off as high maintenance, needy, and manipulative. You can def do better.
Honestly saying things like physical intimacy would help with bonding, while not untrue however in this context is alarming to me. Cause he’s not interested in ‘bonding’, like you would when it’s mutual and you’re both interested, he just wants hook up and no I don’t think he’s telling you the truth about any of it, he’s just throwing a fit because you’re not giving in. I would find away to step back from this person cause I’ve dealt with people like this and they can be persistent till they get their way.
He only talks to you when trying to pressure you to reciprocate physical intimacy? Ew.
He’s just fishing for sex/sexting.
True genuine interest in a person is conversation, mutual trust, and consistent effort OUTSIDE of sexuality.
Hard pass.
If it weren’t for the other post, I would say it’s definitely an incompatibility as I do want to know if I’m physically and sensually/sexually on the same wavelength as someone but wouldn’t necessarily expect or push it in first 1-3 dates but being able to have those conversations, absolutely. I don’t think necessarily either person is wrong, it’s just incompatibility. I can see how not having a kiss or cuddling at 3 dates would be difficult, for me I would perhaps not continue but I wouldn’t force it on someone, I’d just move express and move on. At least you can close that chapter now and onto the next!
If that was me, my main concern would be how the guy handles any and all future “bad days”. You both deserve to have your needs met by your partner in a relationship to some degree – but also this isn’t always possible. Could he be trusted to keep his reactions to perceived rejection in check if you were also having a bad day?
If this is how he is to start with, what would the future look like? I’m all for giving people chances but that also requires effort on their part to manage their emotions.
Honestly, I’d move on and be honest about why, he needs to be okay being alone before dating.
Girl, you gotta love yourself, this is a mess.
Man, this guy wants sex so bad. I’d cut things off with him. He’s pushy about being physical, is trying to convince you that being physical might help you develop feelings for him, and on top of that, he seems like a poor communicator. I’d tell him things are not going to work between the two of you, and then go no contact.
That guy sounds like a drag. Ugh.
Why don’t you have a conversation about love languages?
Seems like physical touch is a big one for him. Maybe even #1. And it sounds like it’s a small one for you….maybe even #5. That’s gonna pose a never-ending problem for you two if we’re being honest.
From my experience, men usually require more physical intimacy in a relationship and I learned that from my previous relationship. However, I’m like you, I can’t really get intimate until we have established some sort of emotional connection and that takes time. I also usually tell people my boundaries with physical intimacy early on. I take it slow and let it go organically, but specific intimacy parts I’m not open to until we’re exclusive. If someone isn’t on board with that I usually take it as incompatibility.
You want someone to respect your boundaries imo
He wants sex, that’s all. That’s what he’s interested in.
u/Absoluteconfuse
: This guy is gross. He’s shown that he’s not really interested in you, he’s interested in sex, and he’s willing to be manipulative to get it.
Just message him back: “I’m sorry, but this just isn’t working out for me. I wish you luck in the future.”, immediately block him on everything so he can’t manipulate you further, and then go find someone who will be interested in who you are as a person, because you deserve that.
Red flags galore, your gut is telling you there’s something off about this guy, yet you keep talking yourself out of listening to your gut and running while you can. He wreaks of desperation & insecurity. IMO the beginning of a relationship shouldn’t be this weird thing that you wrestle with, it should be somewhat easy going and natural. You’re not that into him, dump him and move on.
Sounds like an anxious pre-occupied attachment style. It also sounds like he is not very aware of his style.
If you really like him I would say try to invest, if you don’t I personally wouldn’t.
O yeah, this is apart from the fact he is trying to push intimacy which you clearly stated you didn’t feel comfortable with yet.
So he is playing games to have sex or has a difficult attachment style. Either way, he doesn’t respect you’re boundaries and I would stay away.
As a guy, I think he’s desperate to get laid and he’s trying to sell that in a less intrusive way “physical bonding to help with intimacy” etc. Move on.
>I was very honest and I told him that I had no feelings for him
You gotta be honest with yourself. Just because you aren’t getting many hits on your OLD app doesn’t mean you should continue seeing him because other options are light right now.
I know within 30 mins if there’s anything there once I meet someone face to face. Other people take even less time. Let him go and keep looking.
Sounds like you’re leading him on. A kiss on the cheek after three dates? Do you want to kiss him? If not, move on and leave this man alone.
You’re wasting so much time on this guy, you’re not even that comfortable around him.
Bail and move on!
Edit- I was sure this was going to be a “I dumped him” post.
You couldve just sent him the hug emoji lol
Sounds like part insecure/needy behavior and also like he should go find someone that is interested in him. Sounds like his main love language is physical touch (which is okay) but you don’t seem interested (which is okay too). No point in him continuing to pursue you really.
He sounds immature and inexperienced.
What is a cuddle over text? An emoji?
It sounds like you have given it enough opportunity to find chemistry but its not happening. You know what to do.
Anytime some guy I barely know starts begging to “cuddle”, I get the BIGGEST ick.
I would say the way he reacted was insecure. Needing physical intimacy to help the bonding process is pretty common though, especially if your love language is physical touch.
That was just an aside I wanted to put out there. I think, in general, it’s clear you both were not compatible. I think not being able to recognize incompatibility comes from a place of insecurity to be honest.
I don’t think you’re compatible. If someone told me they had no feelings for me after going on three dates and were genuinely not interested in intimacy I would definitely not waste my time. You are very unsure of him (you’ve made two threads asking for advice) so I would pursue other options and walk away from that person.
I can’t see you changing your opinion to a positive one which means it’s a huge time waste for both of you.
Good luck!
You barely know this guy and already the drama is exhausting. I’d pass, if I were you.
He thinks physical intimacy will work to his advantage. We know it releases oxytocin so if, (and this is assuming he is hoping you’ll change your mind and this isn’t just sex for him), you guys becoming intimate, it will change your mind.
He reached out for a cuddle day because HE had a bad day.
I want to say this man is for the streets but with all these red flags, he’s better suited for the circus 🤡
The absolute ick that I would get if a man asked me to kiss him on the cheek. Ugh
This guy is just giving me weird vibes all the way around. I’m still friends with a few of my former dates, but it’s pretty clear we’re “just friends.” This sounds like emotional manipulation. If he’s not interested in being platonic friends, I’d cut him off and move on. 🤷🏻♂️