Some background, I (25M) have been in 2 relationships total throught my life. One which lasted about 3 and a bit years and one that is currently ongoing, for about 2.
In the first one, my partner was very much against the idea of pre-marital sex and even though I am not what you would call a religious person, I respected that and did not really question it. For unrelated reasons, the relationship eventually broke down, but point is, I didn’t get to experiment much besides oral.
Going into the second relationship with my current girlfriend (24F), things looked more healthy in that regard, having sex about once every 2 weeks. Time passed and that time slowly increased week by week. It’s been more than 3 months now since we had any kind of intimate contact.
Aside from sex, everything is going great. Maybe even better than that. We moved abroad together, we have very similar interests and goals in life and I genuinely love this person and can picture my life in the future with her.
On the other hand, I’m really starting to get frustrated by the lack of intimacy. We talked about it, had a conversation regarding how all this makes me feel and she agreed “to please me”, I just have to tell her when I need it, because she doesn’t actively feel the need for it, just every couple of months or so when mood strikes. I don’t like this idea. I don’t have a high libido either, but not that low. And always initiating it and straight up asking for it just defeats the whole purpose for me.
I obviously know the obvious, I’m not looking general advice like “if that’s a priority to you, leave”, because I don’t know if it’s a priority for me and neither do I know if things could change in the future. Instead I’m trying to see other people’s perspectives and experiences.
So if you’ve been in such a situation or know someone who has been, what did you do? How did things turn out afterwards? Any advice for someone in my position?
7 comments
I have been in this position—twice—and my experience is that your partner might try to meet your needs, but she will never feel the same urgency for sex that you do, and she will not be able to keep up with your needs for the long term, despite her best efforts.
This sort of thing doesn’t work, at least not for monogamous couples. Y’all are just very different in this regard. I’m sorry to say that my best advice from real, lived experience is to end things and find someone more compatible, before you both end up unhappy and resentful.
If you’ve dropped from once every two weeks – which is a very low frequency for most people – to nothing in three months, with a partner in her early twenties? You’re looking at a potential deadbedroom situation sooner rather than later.
Is this a possible side effect of medication – birth control or antidepressants, maybe?
Is she interested in discussing this, in any sort of compromise?
All I can say is this – you live ONE TIME. Sex is a vital part of most romantic relationships. I can’t imagine being in one that didn’t include sex unless my partner literally could not have sex.
How will you feel about this in another year? In five? In ten years of no sex?
Again, you live once.
Just face the fact that she doesn’t desire you the way you desire her. What she is offering is to be available when you need her but she really doesn’t need you in the same way. That’s really it. You can choose to live without feeling desired or seek someone else who shares your need for intimacy.
Once every 2 weeks at the start of a relationship is pretty low in my opinion. Chances are your partner is low libido. You’re pretty much normal in that regard. I don’t think you guys are a match.
In the event you really want to salvage the relationship, try to schedule sex. Like really schedule it. That way you and her can both anticipate the moment, and try to be in the same headspace.
You say you don’t know if it’s a priority for you but you don’t like the idea and don’t like what you’ve been living. So whilst you might have a low libido you still like the idea of spontaneous sex initiated by both partners and desired by both partners- not the ‘duty/maintenance sex’ she’s offering where you ask her and she ‘gives’ it to you to ‘please’ you.
You want an equal exchange. Doesn’t matter if your desired frequency is lower, you still want the same feeling. So this is your priority.
Asking or aiming for an increase in frequency with your gf will not give you that. She views sex a certain way, as something she gives you to ‘please you’ when you ask. So you’re not incompatible just in terms of frequency but you’re incompatible with her in the much more important sense of what you view the role of sex to be.
Sounds like you’re still figuring out your views on sex, its role, and increasing your experiences with it. Keep exploring and develop your own view of your sexuality and its importance to you. But you are right to listen to your instinct, in this case not liking her proposition and thereby limiting sex to your gf’s fairly narrow view of sex. If you stay with her and accept this there won’t be much room for development or experimentation, and you don’t seem happy with the premise.
She already gave you the solution, you’re simply choosing to not want to implement it. Like it or not, you don’t get to demand that someone else desires you or initiates. You can either check your feelings at the door in order to go get that intimacy you desire, let your feelings support continuing to have a dead bedroom, or leave the relationship to find someone more compatible.
Since you don’t want the last solution you get to choose from the first two. There’s nothing wrong with a sexless relationship if you’re unwilling to leave and unwilling to initiate, btw.
Intimacy is part of a relationship for most of us, she might asexual but you clearly like her and she likes you too as she is telling you to initiate, my advice is:
• If she’s on birth control consider stopping it. Better to wear condoms and have sex than be on birth control but getting nothing. Also women don’t ovulate all the time, there’s plenty of apps like Natural Cycles to know this. It will better her libido and her mood.
• Initiate first – Honestly it’s okay just tell her she can stop anytime if she’s not getting in the mood. Many times when on birth control and 0 libido my boyfriend had to initiate, “warm me up” to make me horny. Most cases it worked and I’d be excited and wanting to have sex just like him. Also, the more you do it and experiences you have, she might be more keen to have it.
• Does she read books? If so, perhaps offer to buy her an erotic romance book or she can buy it. Think about porn but for women.
• Talk about it. She could be stressed or lack of confidence. She also could not yet have experienced mind blowing sex or having her desires fully met, she might not even know what turns her on, speak to each other and agree to try new things and work on this together as a team because you want to make this work. You might even have fun as you explore.