I am struggling to stay in my marriage with my husband. It’s hard for me to not compare myself to others, but my husband has a real “good enough” mentality with me. I think of the men in my life, my dad, my uncles, his uncles, my friends husbands and even good husbands I read about on here and I am filled with sadness.
We got dinner with a friend and she talked about having to move frequently for her husband’s job and how he understands how hard that is so he gets her a gift with every move, jewelry a purse, something. She recently said she’s going to stop working soon because they’re going to have a baby. My husband hearing this looked at me and said “don’t get any ideas, if I’m working you’re working.” And duh, I’m the breadwinner in our relationship. We had to move recently for my job and he said “haha where’s my gift?” basically this man thinks he’s the woman here. My mom says material things don’t matter. But my dad certainly pays the mortgage and her car and buys her nice gifts. I have a .3 carat diamond ring, not even a full carat and everyone says “it’s only the love that counts!” Said my sister in law with her 8ct ring on. Basically these women pity me. When I ask my husband for an upgrade he asks me what have I done to deserve it. I provide for this family. He has so much debt it eclipses his bills. Food, car, rent, pop up bills, it’s all me.
When we got married we were maybe a year out of college. I understand money was not exactly flowing, but I’ve had to ask him how have you made my life better? When I was single I was on track to have my 1st home, I had a car, an apartment, did it all alone and I am still doing it alone with deadweight. My income is going toward his debt and wants and needs and I want out. I want my life back. Also the sex is subpar. I’m not attracted to him, it’s very hard to feel sexy in $3500 apartment I pay for, filled with furniture I paid for, with a belly full of food I also paid for. And I can’t help but think the whole time, don’t get pregnant cause you’ll be doing that alone too, and working the whole time.
It’s effecting my self esteem, like how desperate am I to stay married to someone who doesn’t positively impact my life financially or emotionally? If I talked about the emotional abuse around money this post would be so long.
TLDR; my husband isn’t a provider and expects me to be and it makes me not want to fuck him anymore.
27 comments
It sounds like you and your husband are very incompatible, you aren’t happy and there are so many major issues it would take years to address them all – if your husband did in the first place.
The fact you aren’t even attracted to him now – do you think maybe your marriage is over?
It sounds like your husband’s lack of financial and emotional support is really taking a toll on you. It’s important to have a partner who contributes to the relationship in a meaningful way, and it’s clear that you’re feeling unsupported and unappreciated. It might be time to have a serious conversation with him about your needs and what you expect from the relationship. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
If you want kids, get out now. Kids won’t make it better, and it sounds like it will just be added responsibility on your end. Go find your happiness, and don’t settle for less ❤️
Seems like you’re also trying to live life through other people
How does he respond to your concerns when there’s not an audience? Have you considered splitting finances and letting him budget for his own debts? I think if you are having a hard time finding any redeeming qualities in your husband, this will probably continue on until someone finally says stop. I’d probably bow out soon if the conversations are going nowhere.
If you want out get out. You’re already doing everything by yourself. You’re not happy, you’re not attracted to him and he doesn’t even seem to really like you or be grateful for everything you have and are doing. Drop the loser
Why did you marry him? Your whole post is about a guy that has nothing and does nothing but you picked and married him???
You really need to get off social media and stop seeing your life through the eyes of other people’s relationships you frankly don’t know. All you know us what they show you. Your husband sounds like he is resentful of this fact that you are living your life comparing instead of just living **your** life.
why do you think you will divorce your husband and find another like on social media or the husbands you compare yours with? No one is perfect including you.
Please don’t have kids now because you kinda need to grow up.
Plenty of women don’t like to be the provider long term, but at the same time plenty of women are earning more money than men.
Psychologically it’s pretty common, when the woman is the provider and she’s doing much more house chores she might experience lost of respect and the feeling of resentment.
I hope you’ll find a solution, good luck.
You should respect him enough to leave him. You are not a 100% in. You clearly have no interest in him. Respect him and yourself enough to move on.
This made you sound extremely materialistic
Girl, it’s only going to go downhill now that you have said it out loud. He isn’t a bad human, but he’s unmotivated to change when he knows you’re his cash cow. My best friend did exactly what you did. She married a mooch, and when she tried to leave his narcissistic and verbally abusive side came out. When she did leave he thought she wasn’t serious because she always went back.
He was rude, disrespectful, disregarded her wants, needs, and feelings, never contributed to any part of their life but fully expected to reap all the rewards because my best friend was a allowing him to. She’s a doctor, he’s a jobless bum with HVAC certifications.
You’re also allowing them to. He’s made you into a doormat and you’re allowing it. He doesn’t respect or cherish you, he isn’t honoring you. He isn’t providing for your family – he isn’t trying to do any of those things. If you have tried to talk to him about these things – it’s time to see a marriage counselor. If that’s something you’re not interested in, then it’s time to call your lawyer and get him served with divorce papers. In the meantime, stop paying his debts immediately and start tucking that money into an apartment or house that he isn’t part of.
If you could do everything you’re doing by yourself then maybe you should do that. Why are you staying with him?
This sounds very much like “my man is not providing for me.”
Did you talk about this pre-marriage? Did you agree to a traditional marriage, or an equality based one?
Have you spoken to him about finances and made a plan? Why does it bother you than he doesn’t provide for you financially?
Finally, you should never compare. It’s not worth it. Even a new man will look worse than the comparisons.
I think what you are searching for and need is not so much material goods as much as thoughtful gestures and consideration.
Why do you think your husband makes less? Is it related to not working full time, or what he does for a living, or staying in a safe job? I mean if he’s a teacher or a social worker then that’s life.
Marriage is a partnership. It seems like you tie a lot of your identity to being financially cared for or coddled by a man. Is that correct? Is there any reason to believe that he won’t make more in a couple years? I’ve made much more than my husband, he’s made much more than me. Sometimes careers do that. Many couples have that story. If you were a stay at home mom, you wouldn’t be valued by the sum of the money that you bring in.
That said, yeah he sounds emotionally clueless making jokes like that in front of friends.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
You seem extremely materialistic in this post. If that’s what matters to you, then yes, you need to get divorced and marry someone who is a higher earner.
I don’t believe that will give you the happiness you want. I can imagine a different post in the future of “My new husband doesn’t care about me, he treats me like a trophy.”
I can’t imagine that if he bought you a 16 carat ring that you’d suddenly be happy in the marriage.
Also, what’s the debt? I’m assuming student loans. Is your husband using his degree in the field he got it in? What field is it?
You sound LOVELY.
I’m sorry I really don’t understand. Your husband basically contributes nothing to your life or home and you said you make more money than him. You are miserable—why are you still there? You have so many options!! Leave and learn to love yourself!! You are worth it.
You should leave him. He’s deadweight. You can do better.
In your shoes I’d be gone. I am a believer that each person needs to pull their weight or it won’t fly.
The fact that he asked what did you do to deserve a better ring and not say something in regards to love (the ring you have represents or love) gives me the ick and sounds like he doesn’t appreciate what you contribute.
Sounds like you already take care of a child. Do not have a child with this man. I strongly suggest you to try to put better boundaries and have him contribute more, otherwise, you do need to think of your mental health and find the right road for you to take.
This is an awful position for a woman to find herself in. He is not a man in your life he is your baby and you are his mother. No wander you aren’t attracted to him anymore
I kicked my 1st husband out. Kept everything I bought. Life is got so much better without him.
>he asks me what have I done to deserve it.
This would be it for me really. I don’t deserve a nice life? Then you won’t be in it, sir.
Don’t compare your life to what others have, compare it to what you want it to look like. Reading your post, it sounds like he is just really using you for what you are providing monetarily for him, at this point. Even with the little bit you’ve told us here, I can tell he does not respect you, and from the comments you’ve made concerning others, it sounds like you’ve been conditioned to take the bare minimum effort.
If happiness and getting the life you want involve exiting the marriage and rebuilding, then that’s what you should do. No one can make you happy but you.
If you have permission to leave your husband, you have it. Please make sure you have ironclad birth control that can’t be fucked with.
I understand your frustration