With the holidays quickly approaching, I’m facing a fear that most probably don’t think twice about. My situation is a little specific though.
My nephew is turning 4 in December, and each year my brother (35M) and my sister in law (35F) host a party for him that my immediate family attends, including myself and my sister, but also a large group of all of their friends. For reference I am 29 and my older sister is 31. My sister has always been more outgoing and exciting than I ever have been. As she is a little older, she has been a little more accepted into the friend group of my brother.
Last year, my sister and I went to the party together. Upon each guest arriving, my sister would greet them with “Hi X, so good to see you!” and they would mutually go in for a hug. This was with pretty much every friend of my brother’s, and with each of them they would hug her back super naturally and fine. I would be standing there next to her and I would just say hey, good to see you, or something like that, if I knew them… But they don’t go in for a hug and neither do I. This makes me feel /so/ weird. I don’t want to hug any of them tbh, and it seems they don’t want to hug me either, as we don’t know each other that well besides knowing each other’s existence for a decade-ish for some of them.
Since I drove with my sister to the party, I couldn’t leave until she was ready. She was talking to all different people and I was just hunkering down with my parents trying to blend in. As guests were leaving they would say bye to my sister and hug her, surely seeing me there too but the goodbye to me would just be a general one. This led me to become super anxious and uncomfortable after a while, and when my parents left I asked her if we could leave. She said she was having a good time, and I tried to express my feelings but I think I did so poorly and it came out as bratty, causing her to get annoyed and me to feel even more like an outcast. I was fighting back tears and so upset, feeling so stupid and unliked.
Eventually we left and with my great luck I ended up closing my finger in the door, which hurt so bad and i was so frustrated that I just started crying so much on the ride home. Because of the weirdness of the party mostly. My sister understood how I was feeling then and I was just happy to be done with it.
As this event approaches once more, I’m nervous. Do I just act cool and not sweat it? What can I do at this event thats not just staring at my phone? I feel like I’m going to end up hiding in the bathroom or something. Alcohol won’t be at this party and my partner has not met my family yet so I’m not sure if bringing him would be the answer.
Any help is appreciated.
3 comments
Don’t feel obligated, okay? I feel like most anxieties in these kinds of situations come from a feeling of obligation to perform and satisfy others. If you’re comfortable with your sister, I don’t think she would mind you maybe sticking to her side and smiling politely/greeting the people she decides to walk up to, perhaps even introducing yourself as her sister if you’ve never met them before or offering a chuckle every so often to show your engagement. There’s no harm in just listening to what people have to say. Most people prefer to have a good listener over a good talker anyway. Don’t push yourself!
I believe that you may be internalizing the situation as well. They may not choose to hug you because they are being considerate of your tastes, noticing that you may not be as receptive to hugs as your sister is. This is not a bad thing at all! They may just want to respect your boundaries. But if you’re looking for a general rule of thumb, I would suggest that you could start with a handshake instead of going straight for hugs, as those can be quite intimidating.
Good luck!
Different people greet differently.
Some hug, some kiss the cheek, some just raise their hand (usually with a slight wave) or nod.
So either ask is they are ok with a hug or spread your arms wide signaling them that you want to give a hug. If they go into it, then hug. If they answer the hug invite differently (like just greeting you with a handwave) then adjust your greeting appropriately.
>But they don’t go in for a hug and neither do I. This makes me feel /so/ weird. I don’t want to hug any of them tbh, and it seems they don’t want to hug me either, as we don’t know each other that well besides knowing each other’s existence for a decade-ish for some of them.
>As guests were leaving they would say bye to my sister and hug her, surely seeing me there too but the goodbye to me would just be a general one.
They might have seen that you are uncomfortable with a hug (and maybe they need to know a person better before hugging them due to respecting of personal boundaries), thus they went for the non-hug goodbye.