This started 1 month ago when my gf (F-18) asked me (M-19) if it was okay that she made a collaborative playlist with her ex boyfriend.
She said she was the one who texted him and asked him to join it. I responded by saying that it made me uncomfortable and I thought it was weird because I only do that with my closest friends or my partner, but that I didn’t care if they texted sometimes (which she would tell me occasionally before this happened). She told me she would remove him from the playlist and stop texting him completely. I agreed that this would make me more comfortable in our relationship. She then reassured me that it was perfectly okay for me to set boundaries and that she was sorry for not thinking about how it would effect me before doing it. We moved on from it and were doing well even though I still thought it was odd behavior.
A month later I was looking through her Spotify profile while she was out of town and noticed that she had started following him on Spotify(she wasn’t before we talked about the playlist thing). When I went to his profile I noticed that the playlist she had removed him from was now essentially on his profile with close to matching names and the same songs. Later that night I called her and asked her if she knew that it existed. She denied that she had seen it and told me she only followed him and didn’t go onto his profile. As I was on FaceTime with her, the playlist went from 2 likes down to 1 like. Right when I saw this I told her and she still denied and told me she didn’t know how that happened.
We talked about it a couple times after and I tried to explain that I genuinely do not belive her. That the situation itself would not be a big deal if she told me the truth and that she can tell me almost anything and I will not judge or shun her for it. Again she denied that she knew it existed before I had brought it up.
About a week later I asked her if I could look at her Spotify listening history and that I would drop it after this (because I had genuinely convinced myself that I had made this up and wanted to belive her). She agreed and when I did so I saw that she had listened to a song from his playlist the day before I had brought it up to her. When I showed her she took her phone away from me and started to get defensive (which was a first in this situation she was usually very calm). I left soon after this and we didn’t talk about it for a couple days. She would still ask me why I was acting weird and when I told her she knows why she would act oblivious until I had to explain again.
We talked about it again tonight in depth. I explained again how she can tell me the truth and that it’s not a big deal as long as she was open with me about it. After embarrassingly pleading with her which I told myself I wouldn’t do. I decided I would completely drop it if she allowed to me look at her listening history again without her taking her phone away from me. She said that it would only make the situation worse, I’m torchering myself, and she just wants to move on and stop talking about. Before I left I told her that I cannot move on from this if she won’t let me look at it. She told me she had to go to bed and that I had to leave.
I know that the situation itself isn’t a big deal . She didn’t cheat on me or anything like that, but this is severly affecting my mental health and everytime I leave after talking about it I just have a mental breakdown. If she is willing to go this far into a lie after everything I told her then I feel like I can’t trust her about anything now.
Is there a possibility I am making this up and/or blowing this out of proportion?
I don’t want to break up with her over something so tiny, but it also makes me feel like their is more going on.
Please let me know your thoughts I am so conflicted and feel like I’m going crazy.
25 comments
You’re acting insane. You shouldn’t be in any kind of relationship until you get some kind of help. It’s fucking music, dude. You’re suffocating this poor woman and scaring her
You are both wrong. You for being paranoid, her for being secretive. You are both children, break up, work on yourself move forward. You are learning traits that are toxic and will destroy any future adult relationship.
Maybe it seemed exaggerated, but if she doesn’t have an EA with her ex, she hasn’t gotten over the relationship with him. She is still thinking about him.
It’s over, move on
A good hint is that if you feel the need to go through someone’s phone- leave. You don’t trust them. When you are young you don’t know how to handle yourself of deal with situations. Reading a few books on being assertive and healthy relationships will shape your future positively,
You generally don’t listen to your ex’s playlist, create playlists with them, talk to them or whatnot, unless you are not over them. She is not over him and is in an emotional affair with him , even if it’s just one sided.
Break up. And I assure you, once you break up, she is going back to her ex telling him she is not over him etc.
INFO: is she friends with her ex in a platonic way that you think is normal, or do you think she’s not over it?
I have defended my right to be friends with past partners to my current partner, and at your age might have hidden something just to avoid the fight. However lying is a big deal in a relationship, and even if she isn’t doing anything else you need to be able to trust her. It kind of seems like she’s gaslighting you which makes me wonder why she’s so adamant about hiding this
Yes, you’re blowing this out of proportion. Vastly! Knock it off before you find yourself suddenly single.
You are not crazy. She is not over him and wants to keep him in her life through so that there is some hope of reconciliation there in the future. This is why she wants to have this playlist with him so they have this bond there. The reason she lied is that she realised after telling you that it was wrong so she decided to do it in secret instead. Your girlfriend is manipulative and is gaslighting you. Maybe its because she’s immature but you can’t really have 100% trust in her anymore. If you confront her she will just deny it probably so you can’t really win. Ask her if she has feelings for him still. See what she says and if you are not satisfied or don’t believe her or trust her then just move on. You are still young and will probably meet many other girls in the future
She is clearly lying and one lie always leads to more. Contact him and ask him when was the last time they had talked and last met up? She isn’t just lying about the playlist crap.
An ex cannot ever become anything other than an ex. And it is foolish to think otherwise.
There are a number of good articles available on why it is best to avoid an ex. Bonobology web site has one for certain.
And psychologytoday has an opposite sex article as well. Prevention always beats all amounts of cure.
The fact she is lying and now stonewalling is proof in my opinion/experience, there is way more she is hiding. And omissions are lies.
Welcome to date bud! It doesn’t get easier unless you find your solemate early. I’m a 31M, my best advice bro, better yourself. Go to the gym and be the best version of you. If I was you, start flirting with other women because if does sounds like this relationship is over. You lost trust after a month of dating? I personally don’t like my exes still having contact with their exes. It does show disrespect towards the new relationship. Unless they got kids together.
Question, does she have a playlist for you? Women like to do small things like that. My ex(when I was 25-26) used to put emoji in with names contacts on her phone and we both started having issues in the relationship and I noticed my emoji were gone so I knew she had moved on. You set your boundaries and she crossed them. She might not be fully over her ex. It’s not fair for you. A lot of times they do go back with their exes. Good luck man.
I’m sorry to hear about the situation you’re going through. It’s clear that this issue with the playlist and your girlfriend’s behavior is causing you a lot of distress. Let’s break this down a bit.
Firstly, trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When trust starts to erode, it can feel like the ground is shifting beneath you. The situation you’re describing – your girlfriend making a playlist with her ex and then being seemingly dishonest about it – is understandably upsetting. It’s not necessarily the action itself that’s the issue, but the perceived breach of trust and lack of transparency.
You’ve done well in communicating your feelings to her and setting boundaries. However, the continued secrecy and her defensiveness are red flags. It’s essential in relationships to feel heard and validated. If she’s not acknowledging your feelings or the impact her actions are having on you, that’s a problem.
Now, let’s consider the possibility of overthinking or blowing things out of proportion. It’s natural to question our reactions, especially when we’re emotionally involved. But, remember, your feelings are valid. If something doesn’t feel right to you, it’s important to address it. Your mental health and peace of mind are crucial.
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At the same time, there’s a balance to be struck. Constantly checking her Spotify history or needing to verify her actions can become a pattern of behavior that’s not healthy for either of you. It can lead to a cycle of mistrust and surveillance that undermines the relationship.So, what can you do? Here are a few suggestions:
Reflect on the Relationship: Think about your relationship as a whole. Is this a one-off incident, or part of a larger pattern of behavior that concerns you? How does she generally treat you, and how do you feel in the relationship?
Communicate Openly: Have a heart-to-heart conversation about trust and honesty. Share your feelings without accusations. Use “I” statements like “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You did this…”
Set Boundaries and Expectations: Clearly articulate what you need from her to feel secure in the relationship. It’s not just about the playlist or her ex; it’s about honesty and respect.Seek Understanding: Try to understand her perspective too. Why does she want to keep this connection with her ex? Is there something in her past or present that makes this important to her?
Reflect on Your Actions: Be mindful of your behavior as well. Are your actions driven by insecurity or past experiences? How can you address these feelings constructively?
Decide What You Can Accept: Ultimately, decide what you’re willing to accept in a relationship. If trust can’t be rebuilt, it might be time to reconsider the future of the relationship.
Remember, it’s not about who’s right or wrong. It’s about whether you can have a healthy, trusting relationship where both of you feel respected and secure.
If she will lie about one thing she will lie about another. She’s not over him. It’s your call on how to deal with it but if it was me I’d walk away.
My old drill Sargent used to say women are like buses. If you miss one, stand on the corner. Another will come by eventually
She broke your trust over something small. Your in the right to break up with her. If she really wants a future with you break up with her and she’ll reach out and never do something stupid like this again. If she don’t care about you, your saving yourself from a lot of heartache. I had a gf who hated it when I called her out on her bs, and would avoid acknowledging or apologizing. Once I broke up with her she hit me up two days later, girls like this never had an authority figure and think they need to be treated a special way.
She needs to let it go or you let her go. She wants to have some sort of lifeline to this person in the case she is single she can just go right back. I took my ex back because we had a playlist and put love songs on it or songs we would sort of dedicate to one another.
I hear you, man. Trust is huge in a relationship. Maybe take a beat to cool off, then have an honest talk with her about why this matters to you. There could be something deeper going on for her too. Stay calm and come from a place of care. You got this.
You know what to do. She’s telling you the truth when she say’s “you don’t want to know”. Just end it, she’s cheating on you.
Sounds like she is lying and emotionally cheating. she’s clearly not over the ex.
Trust is necessary for a relationship to work. If she keeps lying and you can’t trust her, then the relationship doesn’t have a future that is worth keeping.
Youre both young, move on
Lol, I party with my ex and his gf. But I’m old and we have a kid together so there’s no point holding grudges. As an 18yo you would definitely need to clarify a few points.
She’s still hung up on the ex, willing to lie about it and how she deals with him, and step past your boundaries to do so.
Just break up with her.
Honestly I think at this point the trust is broken, she is obviously not over her ex and at the very least you need to have a break but I would probably be ending things. If you were married or it was a long term relationship and very serious etc I would say work on it. However it doesn’t seem like it is and there is no point in dragging things out. I think you’re feeling this way for a valid reason. I would feel insecure and distrustful in the same circumstances and her lack of willingness to talk about it is a red flag for me.
Kick her ass out. The ex’s always get blocked and no contact.
I wouldn’t trust her. Also, this much drama over Spotify is a red flag all round. You sound so sincere and thoughtful. Try to get some more experience (and I guess by that I mean just being alive for longer!) and you can take those gifts to a healthier relationship.
Yup, not over him. Let her go back to him.
Omg dude let it go. It’s a damn playlist.