UPDATE TO WHAT WAS IN THE MESSAGE BETWEEN THEM: I got home last night and checked his phone when he was in the shower. I’m surprised he hadn’t deleted the text since he had deleted their text thread a few weeks earlier! So he called her at 5:46 and left a voicemail. She must have sent the call directly to voicemail because her text to him at the same time (5:46) said “Sorry can’t talk right now” to which he replied “okay”. So does he get the hint now?? She never returned his text from 2 months ago and now when he calls she doesn’t pick up and she hasn’t called or sent a text back in the past 2 days.
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And no, I have never confronted him on it because it would just turn into “You’re snooping on my phone?! Are you also logging into my computer?” Then he would turn it all on me and he’d come up with something I do that’s suspicious, etc. and he would hang that over my head for weeks and it would all be about me being secretive in some way.
He did this, he always seems to do this, every time I go out of state to visit my mom. I went to see her in September and sure enough, I check our phone records and he texted her the night after I left because he was at a bar by her house. I was dying to see what he said so when I got back I checked and he said “In your ‘hood wondering if you want to meet for a drink.” I noticed the time he sent the message and the time he got home via our Ring camera and he must have sent it just as he was leaving the bar because he got home within the amount of time it takes.
I kept checking our phone records and noticed that she never responded via text or call. Maybe she’s tired of him always doing it and then when she gets back to him a few days later to meet up, I’m back home so he has to come up with an excuse as to why he can’t see her.
Well fast forward to last night, 2 months after he contacted her with no response. He got chemical in his eye at work and had to go to the ER. He was there for a few hours. Texted me at 5:40 and said he was on his way home. Then texted me at 5:50 saying he stopped at that bar….the one near her. He didn’t get home until nearly 8PM so he was there for a little over an hour. Well this morning I check our phone records again because I just have this hunch that he contacted her while there. Sure as shit, he left her a voicemail according to our records at 5:46…right before he texted me he was at the bar. We’ve gone to this bar several times and know the bartenders and owner so I’m unsure why he would contact her to meet him there. He did this even though she never got back to him 2 months ago! I was so angry when I saw this call that I forgot to check the text usage. Well whaddya know! She texted back at 5:46 as well and then he responded at 5:47. So basically she didn’t pick up the call but immediately texted back. So who knows. Maybe they did meet up for an hour OR she said to stop contacting her OR that she couldn’t meet up. I need to get home to look at his phone, but he probably already deleted the texts.
He asked me to take a picture of him with his phone a few weeks back. I grabbed it and unlocked it with his code, which is no secret. I’ve played dumb before not knowing it but when I do he goes “C’mon you know what it is”. So this time I opened it before he told me what it was and he goes “Oh yeah of course you know it”. Then last week when I just wanted to look at his messages because, once again, I had a hunch that he may have deleted the text thread with her. Sure enough he had! Like he didn’t realize I knew his code before and then when it dawned on him I did, he deleted the thread. The thread only consisted of this past time in September, then before that it was the previous September when he was out on our boat without me and sent her pics of him on it and then the previous May where apparently they were going to meet up but then he had to cancel because he most likely couldn’t get away with me at home.
They are both 55 years old. Last I knew as of a few years ago she had a long-time boyfriend but he still contacted her. It has been over 20 years since they dated but he just can’t stop contact with her. Even though he always tells me “Oh she never thought I was good enough for her. She would flirt right in front of me with other guys”. One time he’ll tell me that she wasn’t very nice to him and then the next time tell me that she’s a nice person and that they are still friends. Really? Because I’ve been here with you for 15 years and never met her, never witnessed any text or call between you two because it’s all done in secret. When she did happen to both call and text while I was in the room he immediately turned off his phone so I wouldn’t see her name pop up.
3 comments
So for 20 years he has been contacting her and she has not responded… Sounds like harrassment to me. Or that she’s smarter and knows how to not leave any proof of her cheating.
In any case, he’s emotionnally involved with her, whether she also is or not. To me, that’s cheating and disturbing if it’s all in his mind.
Go and talk to a divorce attorney.
My wife is the same way with her first love and I’m still just second. Leave or get used to it.
Based on your post history (his gaslighting, drinking problems, and anger issues, etc) your marriage is quite frankly a shit show. You ask the same questions over and over again. Do you really want any solutions, or just need to vent? Venting is fine, but do heed some advice that’s been given to you.
It seems like you married a leopard, and a leopard never changes its spots.
I thought this was about a newly married couple in their 20s. You people are 55 years old and married for 15 years.
He’s got some serious issues that at this point, will probably *never* change.
You’ve got to decide if you’re going to continue to put up with him, or make a clean break.