I was introduced to a girl by a close friend and we just clicked. My friend and i were in her area for work which happens to be where they grew up. We met in person shortly and didn’t stop talking to eachother for weeks. My seasonal job finally ended so i had the time to go visit her for a few weeks. She let me into her life, let me stay at her place and it was really nice. We both agreed that this wasn’t just a short term fling and wanted to get to know eachother first so we held off on having sex right away which is fine.
Here lies my problem, the girl that I spoke to over text and FaceTime and the girl I know in person aren’t the same…not exactly.
Over text there was a lot of affection, love, and lust.
Over a very tear filled conversation on both our parts she confided in me that she was raped not too long ago. She told me that because of the abuse she now has a deep fear of men and is afraid or incapable emotionally of showing affection for too long without getting flashbacks of what happened to her which causes her pain.
I have never been a victim of assault so I cannot understand what’s going on in her head as much as I try.
Even though she says her feelings for me are there she has a very hard time expressing them, often ending a personal conversation or intimate moment early because of her flashbacks. Whenever this happens my mind spirals into thoughts of doubt and leaves me thinking that I might have done something wrong even though I haven’t.
These thoughts aren’t healthy for my own well-being and I know that. There has been more than one night where I’m left wondering to myself “does this girl still like me” or “now that I’m with her for real, has she changed her mind”
I built up the courage to ask which is what lead to the tear filled conversation, she recognizes that her mental block is putting out relationship at risk but that for her own well-being she must take it slowly. I accept this but I’d be lying if I said I understood it and quite honestly, it hurts me. A lot.
I’m hoping that someone who has gone through something similar to her or has dated or is dating someone in the same situation can help me understand what she’s going through and help me decide whether or not the pain is worth it.
22 comments
I’ve been with 2 women who were assaulted, women with daddy issues, self-esteem and more. Honestly I think I never met someone who wasn’t going through something. But one thing they all have in common is that their insecurity can easily project onto you and drain your energy if you let it. Them having doubts can make you doubt yourself, and to be fair, when a man is insecure it also makes the woman insecure so it goes both ways. However, as men we are expected to have control over those feelings as we are more capable and make them feel secure and that they are protected. Keep being the loving you instead of acting like her and she will appreciate you.
You can’t let her ruin your own mental health. You should leave her until she gets rid of the baggage.
I don’t have experience with this specific problem however, I have a couple thoughts that might help. First, I think you need to communicate with her about what causes her to trigger, that way you can know what to avoid doing. Secondly, I think you both should consider therapy. Her for the flashbacks and you for anxiety. If you truly care about her and want to make the relationship last you will have to adapt and work through this together. A lot of the early stuff will be on you as she is dealing with serious trauma, so be there for her and understand her triggers.
Last thing I’ll add, do what is best for you. It is hard fighting through mental blocks in a partner, you have to have patience and thoughtfulness, and there will be times when she has no capacity of emotional support.
I think it’s important that she gets therapy to work on her triggers, and that she works with you to communicate issues. Communication, trust, and patience is key. I’m sorry you two are struggling but there is definitely hope if you guys work through it in a healthy way
She shouldn’t be dating if she’s dragging deep, serious, unresolved trauma into this that sabotages healthy intimacy. Period. Yes, it’s tragic that it happened and it’s commendable you want to help her, but you’re not her therapist and you’re atoning for sins you had no part in.
That’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to try to relationship with all of her triggers.
If you want to help her and yourself, sit her down and calmly tell her that you care about her, you want her to heal and be happy, and that means stepping back and letting her grieve, heal, and find the therapy and healing she needs.
And, if she finds it, she has your number. And, move the fuck on.
Therapy can do a tremendous amount of good. I’ve seen it work. If you or her have not given it a serous thought for reasons of time, money, or just the idea that that’s not “how you deal with things” please reconsider. With most therapists working by video call now, it’s quick and cheap and easy. Therapy is not just one thing, it’s not just what you’ve seen on TV. Real therapy doesn’t make good TV.
Know it’s not your fault. Know it’s very real and very hard what’s she’s dealing with, and frankly wrestle long and hard with the fact that it might be too hard for you. Nobody would choose to have what she is going through and by choosing to persue a relationship with this person you will be taking on some small part of it. It is not something to be done lightly.
It was only last week this clicked for me. You know that super cringy, embarrassing thing you did in high school that still randomly pops into your brain sometimes. When it does you feel it in your gut, you have a hard time getting your mind back off it, you keep repeating it over and over in your brain even though you know that you’ve leaned what you needed to from this experience and you could well move on, but for some reason it just keep popping back up.
We all do that about stuff from our past. For the lucky people among us these things are trivial and meaningless. But sometimes those things are not trivial emberasing moment when you felt foolish. Imagine being haunted in that same way by something so much worse than tripping in front of the whole class.
You wouldn’t know how to deal with that any better than you can just banish those cringy memories. A therapist has a few good ideas, it won’t fix it over night, but you do not have to reinvent the wheel to succeed here as a couple.
All I’d say is, you are not a bad person if you decide to leave.
Everyone deserves a relationship which doesn’t demand walking on eggshells.
If she was… and I am not saying that she wasn’t; then it is up to her, and her alone.. to get over it.
Either she recognizes that you are not that person – and you never will be, or she won’t.
If she is going to, then she needs to begin therapy and get over it. If she is not going to get over it, then you have some decisions to make.
It isn’t complicated.
FWIW, when I was in my teens, I was fairly brutally raped by four guys and it took me almost 10 years to decide to get over it. Looking back on it, I could have gotten over it a lot sooner – but I had a certain satisfaction out of being a victim. It is very gratifying when others make special accommodations for you… “because”. But at some point you begin to realize that that is going to be the rest of your lifetime and nothing else or, you’re going to get over it. And I chose to do that.
As I said, today I wish that I had come to that realization and made my more Mature decision… many years earlier.
It does not sound like she is capable of being in the kind of relationship you want
So you have to decide if you can be in the kind of relationship that she is comfortable with.
You also have to decide if you can deal with her fear response…and her reacting to things you do as if you are a predator.
Regardless, you are not going to have a traditional relationship. It will likely be very one sided.
And at the end of the day…she may move on eventually. She could wake up one day and realize that because you were there while she was processing the trauma, that she will always associate you with the trauma.
And that for her own sanity, she may need to make a clean break.
So understand you may do everything right and she still might move on.
If I were you…I would be her friend and nothing more. But I would keep my distance so I could get my own feelings in check
Updateme!
Keep loving, keep being supportive and understanding. Lightly encourage her to seek therapy if she doesn’t already. It’s not necessarily a lost cause situation but it will require a lot of patience.
If it is something you don’t think you can do that’s also understandable.
The r/stoprape subreddit has a wiki with resources that might be useful to you.
Honestly I’m not sure, because I don’t have experience with this either, but I do know of quite a few people who have been raped… It is a horrible experience… I cannot fathom or understand the people in the comments comparing it to “daddy issues”, it’s incomparable. They’re not the same at all, please don’t listen to them. Being raped, makes you feel violated, insecure, unsafe, unworthy, idk just so many other things, it’s just horrible and extremely complicated.
You said that over FaceTime she was very… Uhm, let’s just say expressive with her feelings, but in person she was not. I think that is possible because of her trauma. It is very much possible that because it was over text and facetime that she was very much detached to her trauma and was therefore able to show her more personal, inner desires and emotions that she genuinely felt. However, in person (as ofc the raping can only happen one way) she remembered her trauma, her fear of men in general again, and that ofc has affected how she treats you irl.
I think personally, just take things slowly. Listen to her, voice your concerns like how you just did in the scenario you gave us, let those deep conversations happen. If at some point you feel as though you need something more, say so, but also be 100% ok with the “no” option, and DON’T RUSH things, cannot emphasise that enough. Because rushing people with that particular trauma into that sort of things is one of the worst things you could ever do. But ofc everyone has needs so if you feel that you need to, just go ahead and ask, but like I said… Lol. And also if she seems unsure just don’t, like just don’t be physical at all like that. Wait for her to be physical if you know what I mean. Wait for her to give you the signs, like the intimate things and such. Sorry to be so blunt, but this includes kissing… Sorry about that epic crudeness, but unfortunately this is a very sensitive and tricky topic. No one deals with this kind of, or any trauma for that fact in the same way, but anyways. She will open up with time, trust. But for the time being, I think just be considerate, when you feel like she is stonewalling or not being her usual self (the her that you are used to) just bring it up in casual conversation that is obviously in private so that you both can have these crying sessions together that are deep and meaningful, and help heal her trauma a bit. Also try recommending or asking if she’s been to therapy… And uhm… Yea, also you can just Google “how to help rape survivors” or such things like that. Google helps.
Goodluck, I hope your relationship works out in the end and that you both end up loving each other very much! I’m pretty sure you both can get through this with the way that you are sympathising with her and asking for advise about her like this. Yea, I think you can work very well. And also I do think the pain can be worth it… GOODLUCK LUVS!! ♡
Edit: Oh yes, ~~eeEeEEee I’m adding too many things~~ people on this post are saying to basically break up with her… Ehhh, I don’t think that’s a good idea necessarily, but if you do really like her and you do possibly see yourself with her again in the future, maybe put the relationship on hold for a bit for now if you really deem necessary, and then come back to her when she is ready and healed enough to have a relationship… My thinking is ~~well rn as I type this because I literally came back to make this point about separation lol~~ is that she wouldn’t have even been flirting with you in the first place if she didn’t feel like she was even slightly ready for a relationship, so… Yea, that’s all I can say because it’s all on you at the end of the day. It is ultimately your choice and your life. I just thought that some of the people here were dumb idiots who didn’t know what there were talking about at all, and that you needed a genuine opinion, so here it is.
Its perfectly acceptable if this isn’t something you can deal with. A sense of security in the relationship is something *both* need.
If you’re interested in making it work with her, one of the best things you can do is educate yourself about PTSD. You said you don’t know what she’s going through because you’ve never been assaulted. Fair. You’ll never know exactly what she’s going through, but you can learn more about it independently.
I have several mental health conditions stemming from trauma and I’m addressing them with my own therapy. Obviously my partner didn’t ask to fall in love with someone traumatized though. He’s taken the time to learn about my conditions on his own so that he can better understand what’s happening inside of me, especially when I can’t articulate it. By doing his own research, he’s learned ways to help me when I’m having a hard time while I learn how to better manage my symptoms and express what I’m feeling/need so we can meet in the middle.
i have been thru a similar experience as her and i think its some type of ptsd that causes us to associate any similar experiences that lead up to our traumatic incident w the consequent trauma
i can get triggered by male interest in general and its extremely frustrating when i feel mutual attraction
the very same things that i crave and draw me to seek out companionship will suddenly cause my body to react w fear in person and my brain to categorize that person as a threat
basically a psychological flinch
i have no idea how recent her incident occurred or if/how much treatment she has received for it so far but i personally dont think a relationship is realistic during that process
I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation as you OP but it was nowhere near a recent event like your scenario. Best thing I can say if you’re actually looking for a relationship is to 1: Dont. Something like that will likely take YEARS to heal from psychologically and she is not going to be ready for a long time. You will be on eggshells anytime you are around her and anytime things get hot and heavy you’ll likely be taking the tinest baby steps ever in order to even be close to one another intimately so you will need to be fully prepared it could be a several-year process. For some people that’s a deal breaker – everyone handles their own trauma differently so there’s no hard line in the sand when it comes to waiting periods of when someone is going to be capable or ready of a relationship with a physical aspect to it. What you CAN do for this girl is be the best supportive friend you can for her so long as you keep it strictly platonic. For some people that’s just not possible to separate their feelings that way though so it may just be best to walk away outright.
She might not be that into you. Even through trauma she should be open to gentle hugs or cuddles
Op, I had trauma from past experiences, too and they had nothing to do with the person I was seeing. While I was very capable of loving, I simply needed therapy. Even though as a person I didn’t care anymore nor am I afraid: my body disagreed. Understand, trauma has its own ways.
Let me explain: after a traumatic event, the body is still in a loop! Flashbacks can come randomly, whether it’s through intimacy, or other situations. You did not cause this.
This is something she needs help with from a pro!
Doesn’t mean yall can’t have a relationship. You can. I understand the insecurity this invokes in you, but her freezing irl as opposed to text, does not mean you did anythjng wrong or that she doesn’t like you. I loved the man I was seeing but my nervous system was still dysregulated.
So imo: advise her gently to get professional support. Not for the relationship but for herself. Because these wounds can stay for a long time and cause other illnesses (depression, eating disorders) and mess up performance in work, school etc.
Decide for yourself if you’re able to pursue things. You sound like you’re quite young and the two of you haven’t been involved for that long. Just see it like a team race: her ankle is hurt and needs a doctor. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t wanna run with you. Ask yourself if you’re OK with her needing time to heal and get doctored up, and your full goal might come another round, while you’re in Solidarity with your team mate, having a good time still.
If you wanna run now, look for a different team.
Edit: and know, this shit is as confusing to her as it is to you.
Yeah I’ve been in a kind of “situationship” with someone like that. Unfortunately, I’d recommend distancing yourselves from each other up until she has properly partially healed at least. After a while, her mental health will start weighing on your mental health and that is not a good mix
First, I don’t have experience with this problem, and I believe you are the only one who can decide if this girl is worth the pain your feeling waiting for her, but as humans, we are designed to not forget painful experiences so we can learn from them. What I mean to say with this is that a memory like what she experienced isn’t really something that fades with time, those types of phobias get stronger with time and neglect, right now every time she thinks of sex or men it brings back her pain, and every time that happens the association between sex, men, and pain will grow stronger, it’s something that needs to be worked past. Here is where I say that I have absolutely NO experience in mental healthcare, I have merely taken up a hobby for reading mental wellness books and journals since starting to deal with my own social anxiety, so I’ve read a fair bit on memory, but again I’m not educated in this and if she isn’t already you should really try and convince this girl to see someone. Exposure therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy are some of the most effective for helping people deal with traumatic experiences.
If you want to help her the best thing is if you can convince her to attempt small intimacies now, it will take a long time for her to recover, but you can start by; with her consent; getting close and then pushing her just past what makes her uncomfortable physically, then pull back and console her, whatever method works best for her to help her calm down, the main point is to get her to begin taking her painful associations with sex and her rape, and slowly overwrite them with pleasant, loving memories of you.
The pleasant and loving part of the sex is pretty important, and maybe something for you to consider when deciding whether the relationship is worth it, because if your into rougher sex you should probably walk away now.
Be patient and empathetic. Lead gently and considerately. Check that everything is OK before proceeding.