My boyfriend (34M) and I (31F) have been dating for almost a year. We fell in love on our 2nd date and have been inseparable.
He was married before, but stresses that he was pressured and unhappy. It was a non-legal union ceremony that lasted about 2 years.
He told me the last time they spoke was in March, when we were already together. I got pretty upset. I felt betrayed that he would hide this from me and feel like I haven’t been able to fully trust him since. He constantly reassures me that they weren’t ever in love, they’re just friends and that he would never cheat on me.
I use his iPad often and looked at his text messages with her. He changed the first name of her contact to a male name that starts with the same letter and kept her last name. Red flag?
I feel really shitty for violating his privacy but it was eating me up.
I found out that not only did they text eachother back in March, but they actually SAW each other, and the last time they texted was at the end of October! That was a real punch in the gut. He doesn’t know I now know.
I also read the messages where he talks about me with lots of love and admiration. The messages are never flirty or crossing the line. He even sent her photos of me
I just feel so conflicted. I feel like a pos for reading his messages but also feel so confused as to why he feels the strong need to still keep in contact with his ex wife who apparently treated him like shit but now they talk like besties. I don’t get it. Can ex’s really be just friends? I don’t buy it. I just don’t like the feeling I get from it. Especially because he has been hiding it.
I’m a very jealous and insecure person and hate that they’re in contact, especially because they don’t have kids, so there’s no reason to constantly be checking in. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate this paranoia.
TL;DR! my boyfriend still texts his ex wife, I found their texts messages from October after he told me they last texted in March. Claims they’re only friends but changed her contact name to something else to hide the texts
2 comments
It’s definitely a red flag. For me personally it would cross a boundary.
I see at least 3 red flags in what you wrote, and I list them below:
– hiding from you the fact that he keeps in contact with her. He lied by saying that he hadn’t spoken to her since March.
– changing her name in the agenda so that you cannot find her (or at least I cannot think of another good reason).
– talking to her about you and sending her photos of you.
I could not continue to be in a relationship with someone who hides things from me, especially if they are related to his ex. For me, when trust is gone, the relationship is over.