My (F23) bf (M24) and I have been together for 6 years and have not been having sex as much within the last year or two.
I was trying to convince myself that it was my hormones or something but I need to be honest with myself and it’s that I’m just not sexually attracted to my partner anymore. I love him so much, I think he’s so cute, handsome and sweet but I just do not have any sexual desire for him anymore.
When we started dating my boyfriend took care of himself a decent amount, he worked out, had interests and hobbies and since he’s gotten comfortable in the relationship it seems to have all stopped.
My bf was never a huge gym guy he was always on the skinnier side but he used to work out atleast a little bit so he looked healthy. In the last 3 years he’s stopped completely and to put it bluntly become very skinny, like people ask me if he eats skinny.
* I feel like it’s important to note this is not a mental health issue it’s a laziness issue. He’s a very happy guy. *
He used to have a routine I guess and since falling into the comfort of our relationship it’s all gone out the window. When he’s not with me he is basically sitting in a dark room from morning to night playing video games. Sometimes he will play a game that requires him to go outside so I’m happy he atleast started doing that but even that is all consuming, I can’t sit with him for an hour without him being on his phone like 3 times.
I believe the combination of him not working out anymore/not taking care of himself and the obsession with video games is causing me to lose attraction for him.
Should I be honest with him and tell him that this is effecting our sex life? If so how do I approach it in a healthy way?
I don’t want to hurt him but I feel this is hurting our relationship. I’ve tried to initiate going to the gym together, cooking together and doing other hobbies but he is uninterested.
28 comments
Don’t have to start the conversation by talking about sex. This sounds like a health issue anyway that should be tackled.
It sounds like you and him need to talk about his health overall, get in the gym with him. Find some mma spots and try new stuff or rockbox, 9 round etc
1) he’s a lazy-ass. Dump him.
2) learn the difference between affecting and effecting
He’s gotten soft and you sense that. Bad news is this is going to take work. I’d just break up with him
You need to be direct and honest
I had to have this chat with my wife. She got pretty overweight, and I was trying to figure out how to intervene without destroying her mentally. In the end, I told the truth, which was that I was so concerned about her health that it was effecting my well being (was literally having nightmares about her dying). I had a bunch of points listed in order of how serious they seemed to me, and all of them were about her being healthier and me being healthier, except the last one which was “and you’re not as attractive”. I put it gently, and made it clear that this was the least important reason – but it was a reason, because that was the truth.
If that’s not how you feel about this guy, and you just want a hot guy to sleep with, that’s fair enough. Time to break up softly (perhaps tell him it’s his attitude that you find unsexy, rather focusing on his looks), and go find some guys to hook up with. He’s your highschool boyfriend. You’re not supposed to spend the rest of your life with him.
Yeah, you can, and should, tell him. As guys we tend to be more resilient and don’t get effected as much as women (generally speaking). As far as the “how”? I suggest letting him know that you hope and desire for your relationship to grow and that there are things that are effecting it, like……
“When we started dating my boyfriend took care of himself a decent amount, he worked out, had interests and hobbies and since he’s gotten comfortable in the relationship it seems to have all stopped.”
Did he “get comfortable”, though? These kinds of changes are often due to the partner demanding more time and effort be focused on ‘the relationship’ or ‘be more present’ forcing him to sacrifice those things, only to have the partner later complain that he changed and does none of the things he used to do.
Before airing your complaints encourage him to resume his old activities.
Honestly your points are valid, let him know he’ll probably come around.
“Once a gym rat always a gym rat.”
YOu kind of buried the lede here. This is a manchild addicted to video games. You should leave him and not look back. I really don’t know why women do this to themselves. I assure you that if you leave him you will NOT regret in a year, not even a little bit.
Does he not even have a job?
He definitely needs a routine and the motivation to establish one. You’ll want to sit down with him and establish goals and a time-line for future plans instead. It’s easier to work if there’s something to work towards.
So he doesn’t eat properly, that’s the only real issue I’m seeing here as far as his habits go. If he doesn’t wanna go outside or to the gym then why is that an issue especially the gym one. Skinny and skinny but alittle stronger isn’t much of a difference and unnecessary he’s fine without it and it doesn’t majorly affect his health like not eating properly.
You should tell him to and see how much he cares and work from there but he’s honestly set and enjoying himself so maybe reevaluate which Habits you wanna point out as affecting your attraction to him, how justified they are and at what point you should just leave him alone and find someone more active, who can idk sit there and just talk for hours whatever
Sounds like the problem is too much gaming. That replaced healthier activities, and quality time spent with you. He’s not valuing you, or time with you anymore, in addition to not taking care of himself anymore. I get that gaming is a stress reliever for someone who works and goes to school, but there’s such a thing as too much, even addiction. He seems to be acting like a single guy, coming home and going straight to his game room.
Say “hey boyfriend, I want to talk to you about something serious. I love you and I want this relationship to be mutually enjoyable. Some of your newer habits have affected the way I see you. Have you noticed that you spend a lot of time playing video games, and very little time taking care of yourself? I have noticed. Can you find more of a balance between your sedentary hobbies and more active ones?”
It definitely seems like a health issue, and also a video game addiction issue. Maybe emphasizing this can help.
And then just let him know that watching him go down this path is affecting how you see your relationship. Which is why you don’t feel as interested in intimacy now. I feel that all of these things are true, but infinitely less harsh than flatly saying “I’m not into you anymore”
I wish my gf in the past would communicate lost interest tbh. Sex just disappeared, and she refused to admit she didn’t want it even though she really didn’t.
It was rough. Eventually she did admit it and it felt like a huge relief
I’m normally all about being honest, but on the other hand if this post was made by a man saying he lost sexual desire for hes wife being skinny asking if he should tell her he would be burned on a stake saying he had to respect her body and not shame her.
The best route is always to communicate…..
Jesus, he’s probably either depressed or burnt out if he’s working and in school and then going straight to video games as an escape. If you care about him maybe talk to him about how much he’s doing instead of worrying about your sexual attraction to him?
As long as you will be okay with him saying the same to you someday, I think it’s fine if you are kind about it. I would not mention his body in other then to say he’s getting alarmingly thin, and being slightly underweight is actually more dangerous than being moderately overweight. Also you think he’s replaced healthy activities with gaming, and that is unattractive. Try not to make it about his body other than focusing on health rather than attraction.
He seems like a nice guy, you need to tell him how you feel. don’t sugar coat it! Say what you feel and how it’s affecting you and the relationship. He seems like a good guy so hopefully he will be understanding.
Should you be honest with him and tell him? Yes relationships require countless uncomfortable conversations that are honest. Or I should say healthy relations require honesty. Most people just hide stuff from their partner or not discuss things then make a post on r/breakups and wondering where it all went wrong.
It’s not just you it’s extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with someone you started dating as an adolescent. Who you both were when you met to who you will become will continue to shift. The only possible way to make it work is with completely open conversation of what you want in life including what you expect from a partner moving forward.
“Should I tell him why”
Nah just suppress it and make things monumentally worse
Yes tell him. He’ll either man up or you’ll part ways.
When confronted with problems one must abalyse the situation. Depending on the data collected then one can make an edicated desicion. Consider the following questions
Q: have you identified the problem?
A: yes, too much gaming and not taking care of gimself
Q: Does this problem has a viable solution.
A: yes, he needs to change his behavior for his own health and the well being dor the relationship. The behavior os changeable
Q: Are there other issues that need addressing that are different than the one above?
No, changing hos gaming habbit and doing more physical excersice will fix the problem.
Ok, with all that in mind you have to ask yourself if this is a lost cause or is it an issue that can be solves. I think it can be solved. Further more everything else on the relationship os going well. If you have 99 good things and 1 bad thing you dont toss the whole thing away over that 1 thing . Remebe that EVERYBODY has some type of issue and that invludes you. If you give up on this guy for someone else then what you are doing os trading the type of problem. Your next relationship will have probelms too. Its a matter of wether the probwlm.is manageable or not.
I think your issue is…. He worked on himself for the sake of attracting a pretty lady who also takes care of herself. Once you were committed he felt like he didn’t need to take care of himself anymore, but yet he still wants that pretty lady who takes care of herself. It’s extremely unattractive. The thought process way moreso than their physical appearance. At this point in my life (30) I’d dump someone the minute I got a hint of that shit happening. I’m not talking about someone going through a rut or being depressed either. I mean if it’s very obvious it’s just a, “oh I’m not single anymore so I don’t need to care about my appearance.” Barf. Next.
This may be out of left field but you should, somehow, make sure he isn’t watching a F load of porn. If a dude watches porn that is his business but his behavior reminds me of my over intake of it at one point in my life.