Edit – can we please not focus on the age thing please as it’s not really the point of the post. Just looking for some friendly advice.
My husband (30M) and I (25F) have been together for 10 years. I love him very much and we have a good, solid relationship. We have always stayed loyal to eachother and have never had any issues. He is the only person I have ever been with sexually and the sex we have is really good.
However, over the last few months I have found myself thinking about other men. It is becoming almost intrusive how often and how intense these thoughts have become and I am unsure what it means or what to do. Of course I don’t want to end my marriage over this but I think about it several times a day.
We regularly push the boundaries in the bedroom so there aren’t many new things left for us to explore or experiment with. But I also know that he would shut down the idea of a threesome/open relationship/swinging etc.
I feel really guilty for having these thoughts and can’t help but wonder if something is wrong with me or wrong with our relationship for my mind to be wandering like this. My husband does everything right so I don’t understand why all of a sudden I’m craving someone else.
I don’t know if it’s fair for me to stay with him while I’m having these thoughts. I feel so guilty and confused and don’t know what to do!
13 comments
It’s FOMO + the fact that when we can’t have something, we want it even more + “the grass is greener” mentality. It’s hard to shake that *feeling* though, even if you logically know that’s all it is. Our feelings shape our reality.
Mindfulness can help recenter you, but it takes some time and practice. It sounds like it’s become an obsession, and the more anxiety it causes, the more of an obsession it becomes. Hopefully you don’t get to the point where you act impulsively and fuck up your life.
It’s easy for me to say this since I’ve had the direct experience, but the best sex is with a loving partner. That’s not to say I haven’t had great casual sex, but pound for pound the best sex has always been in a long term relationship.
Having thoughts is not a bad thing. We all have such thoughts. So don’t think from guilty standpoint.
Talk to someone. Maybe not your husband, but some friends who are girls? Talk to older women who are married and ask about their experiences. You are human, so this is nothing new. However, asking others for wisdom and accountability can be helpful when we know our feelings aren’t rational.
He should support you.
Role playing
You guys have been together since you were 15 and he was 20??
Honestly, you aren’t kidding out on anything.
well you just reached that age of 25 and world looks a little different ,plus we change so much between 18 and 25 I think you just hit the time where your starting to question stuff as oppose to just going along with it, and again it could be nothing and pass with time , you have to figure that out. good luck
I would suggest therapy first. Most married people think about having sex with other people, some really would like to. However, if this is becoming an obsession or something you feel may become uncontrollable, you need to see a therapist, maybe a marriage counselor. In spite of what you may read on Reddit, the need to cheat on your spouse or someone you are in love with is not normal. Something is going on with you or your relationship and you need to figure out what it is. If this is not something consensual between you and your husband, it will be a secret and secrets destroy marriages. I’m not judging you but I am saying get some help and be very careful.
Good luck and think this out very objectively. The thoughts are fine, don’t be ashamed of them, however, acting on them could bring regret.
I know how you feel.
I’ve been with the same lady for 20 years, I was 19 when it started and intimacy/relationship issues aside, I do often day dream of what it would be like to be with someone else.
I was quite sexually active before I met my wife, and there is a longing of days gone, but I fear that the reality has no chance of living up to the fantasy.
I suspect my day dreaming is amplified by the serious lack of intimacy in my marriage, though. Yours seems to be a “what if” kind of dream.
Get him to wear a wig and a cock sleeve.
Two scenarios to consider:
you venture out and cheat with some random dude. Find out you didn’t actually want to sleep with other men. Now you have this guilt that will eventually end your marriage.
You find out you like sleeping with other men and you divorce your husband.
Then he needs to know that about you. This is an important part of your experience right now and unfortunately it will probably hurt his feelings deeply but the more open about it you can be the better. You love him and you can reassure him of this. Marriage is kinda weird and unnatural imo. To me, HONESTY is more important than pretending that this one person you “married” is the ONLY person you’ve ever wanted to be with. We only live one time, and it’s not long.