My husband (39) and I (37) have been married for 17 years. We’ve had some pretty spectacular ups and downs but have been in an okay space for a while.
Except that he just won’t listen to me when I tell him what I need. When we were working on worse things, it was easy to ignore but now that things have been stable for several years — I’m starting to grow resentful.
It’s frustrating because he is almost obsessed with my sexual satisfaction – I assume because sex is very important to him – when I am asking for more quality time doing non-sexual things. He gets so deeply concerned when I don’t orgasm, even though I’ve explained over and over again that I don’t need to orgasm every time we have sex, yet completely blows me off when I ask him to watch a movie/tv show or play a board/video game or go on a walk with me. His usual excuse is that he doesn’t like to do those things. When I point out that I sometimes do things with him that I’m not super excited about but I do them anyway because I want to spend time with him and I know it’s important to him — he gets defensive, says I don’t have to do those things then and huffs off. It’s a circular argument without end.
Sometimes if he’s feeling charitable, he’ll sigh loudly and ask which game I want to play which causes me to shut down because I want to be married to someone who wants to do things with me from time to time. This usually makes him angry because “he’s trying” and more arguing in circles.
We love each other, are sexually pretty compatible and have a good time when we are doing stuff he wants to do. I’m up for pretty much anything and have learned that I love going to punk and metal shows, backpacking, etc by being open to the things he wants to do. I just don’t know why he won’t give me the same respect.
11 comments
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He’s a self-centered child in a man’s body, that’s why.
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Simply, he’s only into himself and his needs not yours. You have to start looking after yourself and what’s best for you. Now, you have to decide if you want to be fully fulfilled in life or do you settle just being his sex partner. Tough choices, but I think you already know answers. Wish you the best!
Your marriage sounds unbalanced. A good marriage requires sacrifice by both to the other for the sake of the relationship and to keep the spark alive. You need to have a frank discussion with him to determine if he is truly dedicated to make it work. Please consider going to counseling alone if he won’t join you.
He’s selfish, that’s it.
But… People also have high expectations. He doesn’t want to go for a walk, no problem, go with friends.
100% compatibility is very rare.
Uhg I wish we could be friends, you don’t live in Albuquerque by chance? lol it just seems we are similar age and a lot alike. I love punk, metal, board games and also like and am not having my emotional needs met and am not receiving that, by my husband. We are two peas in a pod otherwise except I must say I’m jealous he at least acknowledges your pleasure in bed.
I’ve been bugging my husband about both issues to not much avail. I’m now wondering if he’s a covert narcissist or on the spectrum which sucks cuz otherwise we are happy and have a 6 year old boy.
I wish I had something helpful to say, I can relate though. One thing that’s super awesome if my hubs would do it is an app called “Lasting”. It’s like marriage counseling from home. You both have to download it, answer questions then come together to discuss answers. It also sends daily texts to remind you both to acknowledge each other more in various ways. Definitely recommend. It’s $38 a month but way worth it there are so many other helpful things on the app too besides what I mentioned.
Good luck! Chao
I read in a fb post that “consideration” is also a love language. And that hit me hard.
I was a punk strong headed girl when I met my husband almost 10yrs ago. And I completely turned 360° to be that mellow, lady like, soft and submissive woman he wants me to be.
And he just always have the audacity to not put his phone on silent mode immediately when he turns his Wi-Fi on. Even though I repeatedly told him both calmly and angrily as you’ve expect after repeating for so many times already that it annoys me.
Why is it so hard for a partner to reciprote consideration. Or maybe, I’m just with the wrong partner.
Go see a marriage therapist together. You can both learn how to meet each other’s needs.
You are allowed to want a partner like that.
You won’t find that here. Gonna have to take some steps to be able to find that….
Have you considered the possibility that your husband is just an asshole