My (17 M)boyfriend and (17 F)I have been dating for 2 years.
We are a happy couple and get a long really well, we were friends for 4 years before we started dating so I know that I’m dating a boy that I truly do love.
We first had sex about a year and a half ago when I was 15 and he was 16. We both enjoyed and it was completely consensual.
After that we were really sexual for a really long time, having sex regularly and just enjoying ourselves sexually.
About half a year ago my parents found out that we had sex and are now very strict with me so there are no more opportunities to do anything anymore.
For the last 6 months we’ve been doing everything privately at school at over FaceTime.He’d just touch me sexually and I’ll do the same while we kiss.
Then about 2 months ago he got the idea of having sex at school in an empty classroom or on a stairwell where the cameras can’t see. I’ve made it clear to him that I am not confident or comfortable doing something like that in a public place like this and if he could just please wait a little while longer till my parents give me more freedom to go over to his house and such.
He then starts to beg me for it over and over and then it turns into a slight argument. He then tells me repeatedly that “sex is needed for a relationship, it’s a normal part of it and we *need* to do it” I’ve talked to him about the fact that when he begs me and I finally say yes that’s not a real yes. He finally understood and is asking me that I tell him when he does it again so he can learn and not do it anymore.
I do see him trying and changing for both of our comfort but if he’s right when he says that sex is needed for a relationship to be normal and to be sustained then I want to apologize and do the right thing.
Is he right when he says that we need sex in our relationship?
Would it be too much to ask for him to wait till my parents get less strict or till I turn 18 (which is in 11 months)?
Thank you in advance
26 comments
Sex is absolutely not *needed.* It may be important for some relationships, but you’re both teenagers. It’s not *needed* for your relationship to survive. He went how long without it before, as a virgin? He can go a couple months more.
Definitely don’t put yourself in a position you’re uncomfortable with or in a position where you could get in a lot of trouble in school. Never take that risk, it’s not worth it.
Edit: I’m sure between now & your 18th birthday in 11 months, you’ll both find time or have an opportunity to have sex that does not include doing it in or on school grounds. Forcing the issue or pressuring it isn’t sexy though… & Remember to stay safe & use condoms!
Sex is different to everyone. You’re both still children, and that’s probably why he was so blunt and disrespectful in his approach.
If he feels he needs sex in the relationship, it’s true. Same goes for you, whatever opinion you might have is ok and true to you. If you want to wait and he doesn’t, just show him the door.
Sex is not needed in a relationship what so ever. There are relationships out there that are not including sexual intercourse but can still be romantic & intimate. The point of intercourse (besides reproduction) is bonding more with your partner. But there are many other ways that this can be done without intercourse.
(This doesn’t mean sex is bad, just some couples out there do not include it in their relationship. Every one has a preference.)
No, you do not need sex to maintain your relationship at this stage in your life. You are both way too young for sex to be an issue in your relationship.
The people involved in a relationship get to decide what’s normal within it. Some partners have like to have sex frequently and regularly, some aren’t that interested.
What’s important is that no one is pressured or coerced into doing something they don’t want to. It’s good that he listened when you pointed out his behaviour was wrong, and wants to learn better.
What is also important is that partners are all satisfied with whatever compromise they reach. Chances are, you’re unlikely to have exactly the same sex drive as the person you’re dating. You aren’t always going to both be interested in having sex at the exact same time.
You’re both pretty young, you might find that your sex drives and opinions on sex change with time. But if your bf finds sex far more important than you do, and has a sex drive very different from yours, you may simply be incompatible. It’s not your fault, it’s not his fault – it just happens. The important thing is to continue to treat one another with respect, whether or not your romantic relationship continues.
Sex is a need for most people in a relationship, but what he is asking you to do to make it happen is unfair and honestly pretty gross. Both things can be true. You guys are young and if you are feeling some unfair pressure, please use this opportunity to learn about boundary setting and potentially about how to walk away if you are uncomfortable.
*He then starts to beg me for it over and over and then it turns into a slight argument. He then tells me repeatedly that “sex is needed for a relationship, it’s a normal part of it and we need to do it”*
Spoken like the horny, immature 17 year old he probably is. This isn’t a reason for you to do anything.
Instead of framing the question around what’s “normal” think in terms of what you and he want and don’t want out of the relationship. You’re trying to judge what you should do against an objective standard of reasonableness, and when it comes to sex, that’s not a reason to talk yourself into doing anything you don’t want to. He’s allowed to want sex, but you’re allowed to say no for any reason or no reason. Set whatever boundaries *you* feel comfortable having, and if he can’t accept them, tell him to take a hike.
It’s a very personal thing. Some people need it and others don’t. Both are equally valid.
If he needs it to be happy in a relationship, and you don’t want it or you can’t have it, then it’s not fair to him to expect him to stay with you. Especially if you’re expecting to not have it for a significant amount of time
Sex is a form of intimacy.
Intimacy can be shown in a multitude of ways, not just sex.
If he can’t respect your wishes of not wanting to have sex, then he doesn’t respect you or your body.
Well, this title was misleading, to say the least. I know it wasn’t intentional but my approach changed completely when I started reading your post.
DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU’RE NOT OK WITH! Definitely don’t do things in public or AT SCHOOL! That could end up in a very bad legal situation for both of you. Like life-ruining.
This dude is so pushy and persistent that he sounds predatory. I think you should break up and never talk to him again OP.
dude, no not at all. Youre not in a place where you both can have a safe time, your bf needs to understand that. Beyond that romantic relationships exist without sex all the time.
sex is a need yes but you shouldn’t be forced to
normal is just a place on a statistical curve. do what works for you and don’t bother with how common it is.
Every relationship is different and every person’s libido is different and also changes over time. My boyfriend pulled the “everyone our age is having more sex than we are” and I told him straight up, “Everyone else doesn’t matter. They’re them. We are us. If you want to have more sex, then that’s just it. We can work on it and make it more of a priority, but if I don’t want to have sex as often as you want, then that’s me and my decision.” I think relationships take a lot of communication and hard work, but you should never feel like you’re being pressured into doing something you don’t want to do.
It’s subjective, for me it is very important. However it requires consent of both parties.
It sounds like he was being pushy and unreasonable with you.
Set your boundaries with him, it is good to hear that he understands begging isn’t good. I do think that is quite weird that he was begging personally…
But to answer your question, it is completely subjective. Lots of people here will say it’s not essential but it absolutely is for some people. If he were to end it, i would not blame him.
You’re 17 years old. If your parents did anything other than discuss safe sex with you (instead it sounds like they freaked tf out) then you can be absolutely certain they won’t get any less controlling after your birthday.
Sex is *preferred* in a lot of relationships, but not needed. Think about the cases where sex isn’t possible – illness, injury, disability, mental health, postpartum recovery, etc. There are other types of physical intimacy, and a lot couples are perfectly happy without sex.
Your boyfriend prefers sex, which is fine. What isn’t fine is that he is trying to coerce you into it. It isn’t consent if you are coerced. The bigger issue is that he isn’t respecting your boundaries and is manipulating you. There will be times when you can’t or don’t want to have sex, and a good partner will respect that.
I know that first love is intense, but there will be others and one day you’ll wonder why you put up with this guy’s behavior.
girl im the same age as you and my bf and i have been dating for 2 years as well and lemme tell you that ur bf is only thinking about his dick and not w his brain. my bf would NEVER pressure me to do something in public like that bc he knows very well im uncomfortable with it. your bf is choosing sex over your own comfort. make it clear to him that you are uncomfortable and that’s FINAL. trust me. you will regret not pushing it more if he continues to push you into bullshit. i used to date a guy who would pressure me so much and it literally still traumatizes me. say NO and if he refuses to listen, i would rethink the relationship.
Seriously don’t have sex at school. One of you needs to get a car with a back seat
Sex is needed in a marriage because it fuses the union. But it is not needed in a young relationship like yours where kissing and cuddling should suffice.
You are too young to be having sex. I am glad your mom got involved. I am proud of you for not agreeing to have in an empty classroom! Stand your ground. Of course he is eager for sex, and that’s OK. But you can say no and should say no. Go back to the sweetness of young love, which is dating, talking, dancing, helping each other, spending time with each other’s families, kissing and making out without sex.
At your age sex is definitely not needed. Many older couples don’t have sex for various reasons. He’s being gross.
While its needed for most people, specifically as adults, the way he was acting (begging and making you feel you have to say yes) is coercive sexual abuse. I have trauma from being treated that same way as a teen. Please don’t let him hurt you- it shouldn’t be on you to tell him to stop being sexually coercive and pressuring you.
No. You don’t NEED sex in a relationship. Asexuals exist. Everyone has different needs, despite what the sex obsessed echo chamber of reddit will tell you lol
“Normal” isn’t what’s important here.
What’s important is what’s right for you.
Do not have sex anywhere public, someone will make a video and then it will be a totally different kind of headache.
Only have sex when and where you are fully comfortable and not because it will save your relationship etc.
NOT AT 17