I (21F) am feeling distant from my boyfriend (20M)

We have been together for 8 months now and everything was going fine. We had our ups and downs yet we were always able to sort it all, having this one unspoken rule between us that any conflict that arises would be solved before the day ends or before one of us goes to bed so we can end the day peacefully and start the next day anew.

5 days back, we ended up having unprotected sex, an impulsive decision which resulted in having to take a plan B pill. I had to take it the 3rd time, while I was with him.

We’ve talked about using condoms before and I’ve even bought them only for them to sometimes be discarded midway through the act. I told him I’d go on the pill and he said not to because he is afraid of how it will affect me. So, it was just the pulling out method for a while and well, the day came when I finally lost my cool about it — When I took the plan B pill again; I was exhausted.

Mentally, I was running a negative cycle : why is it that I have to take a medicine while he can come inside and just say sorry afterwards? I did not like this and I felt like I was victimising myself.

I talked to him yet again, after I took the pill, that we should buy condoms and use them and that if he is shy to buy them, I will. He told me I’m right and that we will try to not have sex much and will use a condom if we do have sex. Yet… I somehow could not believe him. This is where it began I guess. He told me that if he tends to lose control and begs for no protection, then I shall remind him of this promise he made of using condoms. Yet, I truly did not believe that in the near future, this promise will come true. We’ve had this talk before as well. And I do not like that I am thinking like this.

5 days after taking the pill, I got my periods in the morning. And they were terribly painful. I could not stop whining in pain. I was sleeping next to him and I woke him up to get me sanitary napkins. He went out to buy them and when he came back, he found me curled up in a ball. He asked me what was wrong and I said pain. The night before, I was angry at him for not touching me much. I needed to feel like I am fine and that the pill worked. I needed intimacy and I told him, please, just hug or cuddle. He laughed and said I’m lazy and feel asleep within minutes. Memories from last night and the period pain made me angry. He used to massage my back during my periods and help me with a hot pack on my back. This time, he just slept next to me and went through reels on his phone, while i was twisting around in pain. Before sleeping again, he asked me what happened and I said coldly nothing, continue looking at your phone. He just replied with a huh and went back to sleep. I could not help but cry. And I took some time to calm myself down and talk to him about this after he woke up. I did, I told him I wanted him to just cuddle me and help me through this pain. He said that I pushed him away and that I did not see that he was in pain too, he slept incorrectly and his head was aching. And that last night, he was joking about the cuddling thing. I felt misunderstood and I screamed at him, which shocked us both. He told me to not touch him and to give him time alone.

I felt so guilty for screaming. I felt guilty for being so immature and selfish. In the end, I decided that I was wrong to put so much pressure on him. That I was the one at fault for being entitled in thinking that he should care for me and look after me during my periods. I felt a lot of guilt because I am currently going through a phase in my life where I have no home and looking for one, my father is sick and my med school finals are also coming through. Through all of this, he gave me his room to live in. and I felt immense guilt for being so selfish when he literally provided me with a roof over my head. Yet, even after all of this, even after apologising to him — him saying its okay and forgiving me (he said that sometimes he feels pressurised) — after realising that I’m the one wrong here, I still feel like I want to cry out loud. I hate that I’m being like this. I do not want to lose him because of how my mind is thinking. How do I fix this?

TL;DR : Period pain because of a Plan B pill causing a fight over intimacy with my BF resulting in self guilt because BF has been letting me stay at his home until I find my own apartment and that I felt like I was putting on too much pressure on him to care for me.