Before I get into things, I just wanted to apologize in advance if certain parts of this post are confusing. I’m going through a lot of complicated emotions right now, and sorting through them hasn’t been easy. So feel free to ask any questions if you need clarification on something.
Anyways, I’ve (22F) been friends with ‘Andy’ (22M) for about ten years. We’ve gone through a lot together, and although things haven’t been perfect, I generally consider him to be a good friend. However, recently I’ve found myself questioning the state of our friendship, and whether I want to continue being around him.
For the past few years, Andy and I have been on different life paths. He has plans to start his own business, while I am currently pursuing a college education. Also, I just want to quickly preface that I don’t look down on Andy for opting out of college. Plenty of people can find success outside of a university, and several members of my family have done just that. My issue is in regards to the fact that Andy hasn’t made any clear steps to achieve his goals, while his personality continues to degrade. More specifically, all Andy seems to do is sit in his house every day, while relying on his family to provide for him. This was passable when we were teenagers, but now that we’re adults, I can’t help but feel…frustrated with him.
He always complains about not feeling motivated to work, and how everyone is against him in life. He also has extreme issues with control and hates being told what to do. Although I sympathize with the fact that a lot of these issues stem from his severe anxiety, I can’t help but lose my patience with him. Whenever we’re together, it’s always this cycle of anger, jealousy, and depression. Andy has a very self-inflated sense of importance and feels that he’s more “deserving” of fame than others, even though he realistically has nothing to back up those claims. He then lashes out in these fits of envy and drags down anyone who has more success than him in his field.
As a friend, at times, Andy is actually very kind. He listens to my problems, lets me express myself freely, and is very good at consistent communication. However, a part of me wonders if this is because he doesn’t see me as a “threat,” and considers himself superior to me. Whenever I achieve something, he rarely acknowledges it. Whenever I do something to better myself, he tells me that it won’t make much of a difference in the long run. Whenever I address a difficult responsibility, he tells me I should just give up because “I don’t need that kind of stress.” So although these comments aren’t outright hurtful, they feel very out-of-touch with reality. It feels very much like he can’t comprehend why I’m stressing about loans, bills, or my grades. Meanwhile, everything is being handed to him on a silver plate.
As an extension of this, he is always asking for us to hang out. This would be fine normally, except he never seems to respect my boundaries when it comes to this matter. It doesn’t matter if I’m busy, exhausted, stressed, or just not feeling up to it. Andy always pressures me to hang out with him, and at times implies I should loosen my schedule up to make time for him. Although I could hang out with him more (I’m a pretty introverted person, and am working on compromising to benefit my friends), every time we hang out feels like a chore. The conversations are all the same, he rarely inquires about me, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I looked forward to seeing him. It just feels like I’m not getting enough out of this friendship to justify the time I take out of my schedule to be around him. This sounds incredibly selfish, but I can’t stop these lingering thoughts from rising up.
So my question is what my next steps should be. I want to help him through this, but all my previous attempts have been failures. I also know for certain that he would not take criticism well, as he has cut off other friends for far less. If he could just help himself, I feel like our relationship would be significantly better. However, I’m at my wit’s end with waiting, and I don’t feel like entertaining him in this state until he maybe one day decides to improve. I hate talking about him like this, but I also feel like my feelings are real and therefore need to be addressed. Do I start distancing myself from him? I feel bad because I know he’s struggling, but I just don’t know how I can put up with him for longer.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you, everyone.
TL;DR: My friend has been developing a very negative attitude. Although I understand his struggles, it’s becoming unbearable to deal with so consistently. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m not getting enough out of the friendship to justify the toll it takes on me to be around him. I want to help him, but he doesn’t take the help well, and won’t listen to any criticism. So I feel like the only option left is for me to leave the friendship, even though I feel bad for doing so because of our long history.
3 comments
You are who you hang out with, as the saying goes. People need to add value to your life (and obviously you for them), so if there are people that are only subtracting from it, you need to think if the relationship is worth having. Don’t let people’s negative attitudes drag you down.
I’ve known people like your friend. The bitterness of life is hard for some people to take, and they often deal with their own failures in life externally by putting down others. Some get over themselves and some don’t.
As this is just a friend, it’s not that big of deal to communicate with him less. He’ll get the picture eventually. Maybe time away from each other will be good for both of you.
I know there are some people that will say to always be loyal to your friends. But sometimes, that’s exactly what is holding you back from your true potential.
You would be totally justified backing away from this friendship.
>I also know for certain that he would not take criticism well, as he has cut off other friends for far less.
I know someone like that. Or rather i “knew”. One day I told her the cold harsh truth and didn’t try to sugar coat it. I haven’t seen her since. It’s been 12 years and apparently she still hates my guts (we know a few people in common). If you want to take your distance that might be the easy way out.