My (29f) family hate me and I think it’s my fault?

I have no idea on how to repair my relationship with my family and I have been working on it for over 10 years now. I have mum (70f) and older siblings, 40s/50s. I was physically and verbally abused by my mum as a child but now we are civil and she helps with childcare so I can work. I am not allowed to discuss anything that happened and it is denied outright by everyone. She has a different bond with my children and loves them, just not me.

I was abused by a person outside of the family when I was a young teen and had a child as a result. The abuse went on for a number of years, and I am still in specialist therapy. I had no contact with my family for a year at the time the abuse was happening. They blamed me and hated me. They couldn’t bear to be in the same room as me because of my actions.

Roll on 10 years we all have a civil relationship. I am allowed to be in the same room as them. I will be invited to some family functions. Everyone will be polite as long as I follow like an unwritten code of conduct. Only speak when spoken to, stay out the way etc, only be in photos if invited to be (this is increasingly now as they realised I hadnt been in any family photos since before that time if abuse. About 8 year ago I cottoned onto my family having meet ups without me or my children. The one time I stumbled into one my sisters disgusted angry face before she composed herself is burnt into my brain. I’m pretty sure they have a separate group chat. It’s hurts deeply but I try to just keep moving on and let it not bother me.

I thought things were getting better. My brother wanted to come see my new house 2 years ago. I cleaned it top to bottom and waited on the chair next to the window for hours. I got a text saying the baby was tired and they couldn’t come. Here’s the reason I think they have a separate chat… they posted lots of pictures on the group I’m on of my whole family in a nearby town out together for lunch. I don’t think they intended to post it on that group. I never said anything, I just cried privately that night.

Move forward to this year I attempted to give my other brother a hug which would be our first physical contact in about 12-13 years. I thought I went well. The next time I was too brazen and didn’t follow the code of conduct and touched someone’s shoulder when saying goodbye and tried to hug my brother. The person I touched on the shoulder gave me a death stare and it threw me so much the hug was awkward.

They are planning a vacation for next year. I found out about it by accident. My children knew and my partner but no one had told me, not that my partner and children knew it was a secret or anything. I am not bothered that they are going to vacation all together as they have done it before and we weren’t invited then either. I am just hurt that they can’t just be straight about it and it has to be all this cloak and dagger. If they are going to hate me I’d rather them just hate me openly. I inquired about the holiday in passing conversation and the scowl I got from my mother about even asking about it was awful.

The abuse that happened to me started 13-14 years ago now. I know they believe it’s my fault and maybe it is. I just want to build bridges with them and feel like I’m hitting brick walls. Sometimes I wonder if I am really just a terrible human being if my own family cannot love me. How do I work on these types of relationships with them? I just want to love them and feel loved in return like they have with each other.

TL;DR – My family include me in some things and exclude me for other things. They blame me for abuse that happened to me. I don’t know how to repair the damage and have been trying for many years.