My boyfriend (24M) and I (21M) have been together for about 2 years now. When we started our relationship he communicated with me that he has a low sex drive and despite myself having a very high one I thought I could overcome it because I liked him so much. Ever since he told me about his bad sexual experience I have been very considerate of his situation, making sure he never felt forced into anything and never made him feel bad for not wanting to have sex. But now it’s starting to drive me crazy. He hasn’t touched me in almost a month and before that we would mess around maybe once a week if I got lucky (definitely not sex, sex probably once a month that lasts for maybe 5-10 minutes). We’ve tried everything. I enjoy being dominant in the bedroom and he liked being submissive and we’ve established that from the start but now he doesn’t enjoy it and I’ve tried being submissive despite not liking it just to feel some form of intimacy. We’ve tried inviting a third to join but I get really insecure because he gets overly excited for it despite barely showing any desire for me. We’ve tried to go open but he is the only person that I want to fulfill me sexually and he doesn’t like the idea of me seeing other people. He recently expressed that he wasn’t sexually attractive to me but he retracted his statement very quickly. I cried for days. We’ve had lots of conversations about this issue and he feels guilty for not wanting to have sex and swears to try harder but it always ends up the same after a couple of days. I feel like our sex life is on his terms the amount of times he’s rejected me has brought up insecurities and made me reluctant to continue to keep trying to fulfill my needs. Our relationship outside of our sex life is pretty good, of course we have other issues but overall he is a great person and I have a lot of trust in him. Am I being selfish because of his difficult sexual history? I just want to feel desired and have a sexual connection with my partner. I don’t know what to do.
TL;DR: my partner and I have different sex drives and I don’t know how to interpret his actions or what to do because everything but our sex life is healthy and good
12 comments
I started responding quickly because I was annoyed at you for ignoring the very clear “low sex drive” reality. I thought it was another case of people missing clear and precise information because “they can deal with it.”
But that isn’t the case here at all…
…the case here is that you don’t do it for him sexually. You’re great emotionally, friendship-wise, intimacy-wise…. but when it comes to sex… for him, you are not great. That is clear.
I don’t care what words left his mouth; I don’t care about how he tries to soothe your emotions. You don’t do it for him, and you know it. Figure out your insecurities and find your sex elsewhere or break up, you cannot trick someone into wanting you. Your chemistry isn’t synchronizing.
Maybe he isn’t ready to have sex and he just does it to pleasure you? Ask him about it (if its a trauma im so sorry)
No. I’ve been the high libido woman with a low libido man, thinking I could make it work. It won’t work. The way you feel now will only get exponentially worse.
Its not shallow everyone has needs and yours don’t align. Also can’t ignore his comments sorry.
I’d break up save yourself the heart ache and potentially damaging your mental health more.
I had the same problem with a guy once, I broke up with him (he didn’t enjoy sex, but had no problem doing so when we’d shower and he’d last legit 10 seconds), and now I’m with someone who meets my sexual needs and everything else.
Honestly, I see a red flag with him getting excited with adding a third person, doesn’t seem right to me. And that’s something you should never agree to if you feel insecure about it.
In the long run, I don’t believe you’re gonna be happy in your relationship. For some people sex is a huge part of a relationship, a way to feel closer with your partner. But it’s not always the case for others.
Ultimately the decision is up to you. If you do decide to go through with a break up, don’t worry about finding a new person, the universe works in wondrous ways and someone will cross your path.
Wishing you luck ❤️
The part where you mentioned his excitement about bringing in a third, and how that makes you uneasy…big clue.
So, you know that he possesses the ability to become sexual and aroused, etc. He just struggles to with just the two of you.
Please hear this with love: You are emotionally bonded but the sexual chemistry seems to not be mutual. Do not overthink this. Him telling you once that he wasn’t attracted is cemented in your mind because his behavior continues to prove his statement. That’s extremely hard to cope with and you are right to feel hurt and gutted, anyone would.
TLDR: From personal experience: you deserve to be with someone who wants to rip your clothes off with reckless abandon. Do not sign up for a lifetime of this; the toll on you confidence and self esteem is not worth it.
So it’s not that he has a low drive, he just isn’t attracted to you. So he lied to you.
You shouldn’t have “tried to make it work” anyway. Sexual incompatibility doesn’t just go away.
Break it off already – you’re torturing yourself.
Get out now. You’re going to spend some time rebuilding your self esteem after the constant rejection inside the relationship. The fact he gets excited about a 3rd is a red flag to run. It will feel so good to be loved, desired and happy with a partner who wants you and appreciates you. Don’t waste any more time.
You can be his supportive loving friend, but you are incompatible as lovers and as romantic partners. You are trying to twist and turn all physically intimate (and some social) aspects of a relationship to make this work… and it will likely lead to more issues because neither of you really want that. You’re simply running up against a brick wall when trying to make this work.
Stop repeating phrases in your head that are not true and which are negative. This isn’t “just about sex.” It is about intimacy and feeling desired and loved. It is about connection and romance. It is about vulnerability and trust and comfort. It also can be about passion and adventure and exploration. All of those areas are lacking with him for various reasons.
If you need to hear someone say it, here goes: You are not a bad person for wanting to have those wonderful things in a relationship. You are not a bad person for breaking up a relationship in order to seek out someone who is more compatible with you in very important ways and with whom you want to marry and/or build a life.
You know this isn’t working. You’ve known it for a long time. You signed on for this even when your gut told you it wouldn’t work. And, now it is impacting how you view yourself and think about yourself when you need to place responsibility for his actions on him. (I don’t mean that in an angry or mean way. I just mean those are on him… and are not a reflection of who you are or your worth.)
Break up. Determine how and if you can stay in contact as friends. But, give yourself some space and time away from him initially to completely separate and to ensure you aren’t remaining emotionally attached to him. You need to break free from old habits and leaning on him in key ways to ensure that you can fully notice and be open to and be recognized as available to other men who are more compatible. When you remain engaged emotionally or physically with someone (FEB, past partners, etc.), we don’t realize it… but we can often unintentionally shut down potential connections with others. So, try to find the right balance… if he even wants to stay connected to you or as friends at all.
You are too young to have this be an issue and to remain in a lifelong or long-term relationship where it doesn’t seem likely to change. You may also be doing him a favor in relieving any conflict he has about finding someone who is more compatible with him
Some of the most difficult things we have to do in life lead to the biggest breakthroughs and rewards. I trust ending this relationship – as it is now – will eventually be a relief and be freeing to you… for YOU to be more YOU with the right person. I wish you the best.
This sounds crazy…I know, but Men more than Women, want what they can’t have. That said, I think he is not right for you & your desires. Perhaps if you were in your 60’s or 70’s, the frequency would be normal, but a man in his 20’s should not be satisfied with “only occasionally”…should be more like daily & you having to back him off. He might need to see a doctor…or another man. SMH…good look sweetheart!
Don’t stay. That situation isn’t going to work itself out. If it was, it would have done so already.
I hope you both find happiness and fulfillment.
Sounds like it’s time to move on. He appears to not be into you sexually. He was so excited with the three-way, that was very telling. Find someone who is in to you.