So I 30f have gone on almost a year of no sex. I very much want to find someone but the issue is, I don’t find most people sexually attractive. I believe i may be demisexual and I also think my past experiences have made it more difficult for me to open up to people and new experiences. Therefore, I’ve had this bout of celibacy. I’ve had two other bouts since I started having sex when I was 18, a 2 year bout and a 3 year bout. I am working hard to end this celibacy but in the meantime, having a hard time with the loneliness and sometimes don’t feel human. How does anyone else cope, if they’ve gone without it too?
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I have a similar problem, I just think that a lot of men even if they are physically attractive, when they open their mouth and start spewing bigotry and stupidity (I live in a more religious country, and they have stricter views on things), it completely turns me off of them.
But I think to myself “it’s better for you to not sleep with them and not compromise your morals, than an hour of pleasure and later regret”.
Also, I don’t self pleasure as I live with my parents, but I imagine you could also take some of the edge off with that. Sometimes when I feel restless I read erotica, and it helps, even if I don’t actually do anything else.
I imagine that you could tell yourself “its better for me to stay celibate than to have some half assed experience I might not enjoy”
You just do. I’m also demi. And now in a long distance relationship. I LOVE sex and want it every day. But it’s simply not an option. So….🤷♀️
Self delusion helps
I (36m) honestly have no idea if there is a right way to “cope” other than by just doing something else. Putting that energy into other pursuits. That’s not super helpful but that’s all I’ve got for your question.
But why I’m primarily commenting is to say that the men who love, respect, support, and believe in women are out there. I’m not perfect by any means but I’m doing the work to be a little better every day. Lots of therapy, healthy hobbies, and most importantly learning from people who don’t look like me or have my similar life experience.
All that to say, the best place to find men (and women and enbys, too *muah) who have a healthy level of emotional honesty and vulnerability is going to be in places where that vulnerability is necessary for success and is rewarded and encouraged. For me personally that has been in joining a local improv troupe and finding people who are active in causes I support and want to help with.
I don’t know you at all but I believe in you!
I’m curious what you mean by working hard to end this celibacy. Like…do you mean going on a lot of dates, doing internal work so you don’t struggle as much letting people in/being open to experiences, or something different?
Thank you for posting this, it’s incredibly relatable!
I think like another commenter said, you just do. I have had similar bouts of celibacy and it is a struggle (I contemplated why I can’t just be “normal” and give into casual sex earlier today!) but there’s a point in the journey where I realized that there’s no fulfillment in casual sex for a person like me. And a person like me, having gone multiple years without sex by her own doing, knows that I am capable of going without it for a long time so the idea of continuing to not indulge in sex (until I choose a partner who I’d want to be sexual with) is a lot easier to grasp and adhere to.
I think the hardest part is the comparison to others factor. I can manage the hormonal changes and the desire that still idles within me but when I extrapolate that and compare it to what do (hookup culture), I feel bad. But I don’t have to feel bad about it because I’m making a decision to honor myself in a way that feels honorable to me; not having sex with people I don’t care about and who don’t care about me. I don’t need to sacrifice myself for an hour or two (maybe less) and all of the other questionable by-products of sex.
Go to the gym or start doing something physical that you enjoy. Takes the edge off. I’m back on it. Dates don’t help. I have to go in legit self isolation to make it work but the gym is my happy place so I rarely feel lonely. I like being by myself.
I’ve never had it since according to my friends im demisexual since i don’t feel comfortable with ons or hookups so I just focus on myself hanging out with family members and enjoying my hobbies. Maybe one day I’ll get over my social anxiety and actually talk to someone.
Celibate for years. Also gray/demisexual. I see it as more so self love and knowing my worth. There’s nothing for me to cope personally. I love time with myself. I have never enjoyed sex either. Until the right person comes that I can feel totally comfortable with, then I’ll just stick to myself! Also not into the hook up culture. Big major no for me. My drive isn’t high either so that helps a bit. I tend to have a very low sex drive unless there’s someone I’m genuinely into. If I’m ever in the mood, I rather make love to myself and keep it pushing with my day lol
26m here, celibate for going on 3 years. I try to just do things that keep my mind on other issues versus just finding a partner. I’d like a new partner, but have found no success either. If I get urges, I just deal with them by myself.
I’m not sure where the solution lies to hookup culture, as mentioned in some of the context below. It’s part of what scares me off of trying any harder, as I’m not interested in sleeping with someone before getting to know them to a comfortable level to do so. I may be misinformed about the willingness of men and women to be receptive to that type of thinking though. It feels like using someone or being used when I try to wrap my head around participating in hookup culture.
I may be more ace/demi than a lot of other men though as well. Trauma based on my previous relationship makes me a lot more weary of potential partners until I can feel like I’ve vetted them properly.
Self-loathing, mostly.
You sound exactly like me. It’s almost like I was reading something I wrote lol I was celibate for 5 (except once) years after a horrible relationship and how I coped was bettering myself, finding who I am and the hobbies I love. Enjoying my friends travelling alone, joining a sports team and all around bettering my life. It was truly a blessing. Then I realized how I was attracted to the wrong time of men and gained so much self esteem. I found a really good dude that I dated for awhile. Just takes time and getting to know yourself and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.
I masturbate a lot. Don’t you??
I believe I’ve learned to suppress the sexual thoughts somewhat. I do have urges sometimes, but I take care of them myself. My last relationship ruined me in a huge way, and at this point, I feel as if sex is not something I want to do anymore. Opening up to someone and trusting someone with my body is a no for me after what I’ve been through. Also, sex is an exchange of energy and DNA… I refuse to share this with just about anyone, and that keeps me strong and celibate. No, I’m not a prude. I’ve enjoyed and loved sex a lot, but my mentality about sex has changed a lot in the past few years. Sometimes, celibacy keeps us sane and more at ease.
Try being married to a born again virgin for 21 years. Not feeling human? How about not feeling alive.
I have also been celibate now for over a year…almost two now that I think about it. Weirdly it doesn’t bother me. I don’t feel I’m in a similar place to yourself however. I find people attractive and I have a very real sex drive but I have just ended up in experiences with men who struggled with sex. Why I keep going for men who struggle with sex is an interesting thing I need to pull apart. But I suppose if you put all your focus into the length of time you have been celibate you may find yourself starting to shift into a scarcity mindset where all your focus is on why I do struggle with attraction and therefore cannot seem to get to a point of having sex with someone. I think it’s fair to wonder about the difficulty with attraction but just be careful that you are not turning it into an opportunity to beat yourself up on a regular basis. Be gentle with yourself ❤️🤗
I am also demisexual, also not into most people I meet, an haven’t gotten laid in like five years lol. Tbh I don’t crave it that much. Sometimes I get a whim to go find someone and just get railed, but it’s super short lived. I just don’t care about having sex that much. I get more sad over not having someone to cuddle with tbh.
I think there’s a basic need to touch other people.
I’d suggest taking a massage course or engaging in some other type of activity that involves touching other people in a non-sexual way. You might also meet some nice people this way!