My (29F) girlfriend (32F) of six months is amazing. Super smart, beautiful, talented (chef, financial planner, startup founder), a great mom. She’s also a DV survivor and a late diagnosed ASD Type 1 (aka Asperger’s). Our relationship has been very up and down due to these factors but the fact that we’ve stuck together makes me proud.
One thing that I like about her is that she is blunt, has no filter, no social second guessing. She says what she’s thinking, no matter how awkward or weird. It took some getting used to. She tells me when an idea I have “has a low probability of success.” She tells strangers their perfume is too strong. She will tell a server the truth if they ask how she likes her food, good or bad. It’s not malicious. It’s like she’s Data on Star Trek trying to figure out why humans don’t just say what they mean.
Anyway. She thinks scientifically and today went down a rabbit hole (a periodic full-on obsession, also common) about scientific approaches to love and relationships. In part because we talk a lot about what we are and where we’re headed. And I’m definitely more sentimental and emotional and she’s looking for measurable data.
We took 42 question quiz. We have similar opinions about what makes for a good relationship. High compatibility. Except I scored her attractiveness a five, and she scored me a 2. She basically told me that her type is very different from me (whereas I think she’s “conventionally” beautiful and I definitely go for that). She wasn’t being mean. And she knew enough to feel bad about it and to explain that she was actually happy to see high scores and compatibility everywhere else. “Everything together says we’re a good match,” she says. But she also says that she doesn’t “crave” me the way she has previous partners, that it takes time to “get in the mood” (“but when I do it’s great!”), and said that’s why she likes getting intimate with the lights off.
Ouch. At one point she said, “When I really need sex, I’m glad you’re there.” Like, at some point, anyone would do.
Part of me is grateful to have such honesty. Heaven knows a lot of other relationships drag on for months as both parties pretend to like the other or to be someone the other would like. But of course part of me is thinking, even as her friend, she shouldn’t settle for someone she doesn’t feel attracted to sexually. And I’m not sure I want to be that convenient outlet rather than someone desired specifically. It doesn’t help that I’m NOT “conventionally attractive.”
I told her that it sounds like we might just end up really good friends, and then she FREAKED OUT, probably related more to her past trauma. She really wants stability and safety and I guess I provide that. But honestly shouldn’t you want EVERYTHING to be compatible? Or is that, as the science she’s reading says, pretty much unlikely?
\*\*tl;dr\*\*: My ASD Type 1 (Asperger’s) partner blows my mind with her honesty, but she honestly likes everything about me except my body. I guess every relationship is a mix of match and compromise, but oddly I feel 98 percent wanted might as well be unwanted. Are we doomed?
12 comments
It’s up to you how much this bothers you, and whether it’s a dealbreaker.
“Companionate” marriages are pretty common in some cultures, and as long as both people are open about it and both people are fine with it, they work perfectly. But if you decide that you need to be desired in that way, this won’t work out because she can’t offer you what you want.
So basically, take your time, don’t make a hasty decision, and decide if this is enough for you.
Uhhhhhh
I dunno about this. I’m not sure Asperger’s makes a person say “you’re a 2 for attractiveness, that’s why I like to have sex with the lights off”
Maybe someone with an ASD diagnosis can jump in cause this seems a little wild and improbable.
I don’t think this would be the type of romantic relationship I’d be looking for. Sure, it’s totally normal to recognize that your partner isn’t necessarily conventionally attractive, or to recognize that you might have found a previous partner more appealing on a purely physical front. But I’d draw the line at “prefers the lights out” or “well I ‘craved’ all my other partners, but not you”. A lot of what makes sex enjoyable is the knowledge that the other person finds you attractive in your own unique and special way. If you’re not getting the feedback that that’s the case…would that not be a turn off for YOU?
It’s unlikely that two people are compatible on “everything”, yes. But sexual chemistry and attraction is often a major distinguishing factor between romantic relationships and platonic ones, at least for allosexual monogamous people. It’s certainly possible to feel a lot of romantic love for someone without a lot of sexual attraction, all across the orientation spectrum. I’ve been in that situation myself. And ultimately I learned that that’s not the arrangement for me, and it wasn’t fair on my partner either. I think you’re right to be super wary of this and to suggest friendship as an alternative. Just because your gf is happy (for now) with a romantic relationship that is less sexual than her baseline…doesn’t mean you have to feel the same way.
My goodness her comments to you are horrible! Why would you want to settle for that? It’s so disrespectful
You can’t communicate around every issue. Just because she’s being honest doesn’t mean you have to accept it. This is a terrible way to start a relationship, be serious now
You scored a woman you think it conventionally attractive a 5? My friend what
Obviously immediately dump her what are you thinking
Ask yourself (and her) 2 questions.
1. Can she still stay loyal if she does run into someone who she finds hot?
2. Can you handle, in the long term, not being desired.
Since she always tells the truth, then you should be able to decide what path to take.
Honestly? Cut your losses. In the long run, what couples break up about are things like domestic chores, finances and incompatible sex drives. If at the start, the honeymoon phase, she doesn’t think you’re attractive, prefers lights off, how will it be when you settle into a relationship? When you’re not infatuated and everyday problems crop up?
Also, love yourself enough to not settle. You say you’re a good friend enough that you don’t want her to settle for someone she’s not attracted to, but you also deserve to not settle for someone who doesn’t find you super hot. It doesn’t matter to the right person if your conventionally attractive, with the right chemistry, you’ll be the most attractive person ever. And then down the road, it won’t be a point of discontent in the relationship, when the stresses of life put some pressure on it.
Good luck.
Speaking as someone who is a bit on the spectrum, the fundamental issue with people like us is that we tend to take questions as being very literal requests wanting objective answers. So “do you think I’m attractive” and “do you like looking at me” aren’t even related. Because the first one sounds like “human attractiveness exists on a bell curve where almost nobody is a ten or a one, please compare me to the rest of the species and place me on the curve”.
Under that standard, a “ten” is five standard deviations off the mean. So attractive their body count doesn’t refer to sexual activity, but how many traffic accidents they’ve caused because drivers stare at them. And being called a two is honestly pretty harsh, but at the same time it doesn’t necessarily have anything at all to do with how happy they are to see you. And I’m not saying you should try to be happy sleeping with someone who prefers to not look at you. I’m not sure I could handle that. But it does sound like she’s using a more literal interpretation of that word than most people do. She’s still very happy to see you.
I guess what I’d really consider is, does she make you feel wanted? If a woman told me she doesn’t get excited looking at me, but totally gets excited being touched by me, that wouldn’t be so bad. Kinda a grey zone between reject her, and explore her blindfold kink. Either way, you should get more clarity on how she feels.
Damn bro, have a shred of self respect 😭
I have ASD.
My partner does not.
And he’s once told me the same thing. He didn’t think I was that pretty when we first started going out. (I had no idea) over time he fell in love with me and could see my beauty, I guess. But in the beginning of our relationship he would often criticize my outfits or suggest other things for me to wear.
Again. I have ASD and he does not.
I don’t think Autism is the problem here.
It’s the fact that a partner isn’t that in to us. And we’re expected to say “ok” and move on from that? No. It fukcing hurts.
Decide if you want to move on with this person. But ya can’t pin anything on the ‘tism because some of us are just plain a-holes.
If she’s not physically attracted to you, why can’t you just be friends? What happens then when she finds some other guy whom she’s more physically attracted to? I think in a relationship, it’s important to feel desirable too