After my friends saw a situation and pointed it out to me that it was clearly gaslighting, I’ve read more about the topic and now I’m 98% sure my boyfriend is a gaslighter. How can I make him realise that (I am also 98% sure he does it unintentionally)? He wants us both to see a therapist and he himself says that he is often blowing up with giant anger and violence for the tiniest reasons… but says that I am always purposely making the tiniest reasons to make him react like that. And that he doesn’t think he could be a gaslighter and that I for sure said something not like it was because I always say everything to make him look worse than he is.
How can I know if he is right and this is me exaggerating? How do I know for sure that he is really a gaslighter and it’s not me “saying things not as they happened”? Is it better to see a couple counselor or go to therapy each individually?
3 comments
Can’t.
The problem isn’t with them not realizing they’re gaslighting. THAT IN ITSELF is part of his gaslighting.
Abusers know what they’re doing. If they admit that instead of claiming ignorance, that means they have to admit fault and have to work on themselves. Which means they have to let go of control.
Doesn’t sound like he wants to take that step at all.
You are better off finding someone not trapped so deep in bullshit you both will drown. He knows, and your conviction to “help” or “fix” him only gives more for him to control you.
You know he’s gaslighting you. It’s working, your last paragraph says it all.
The gaslighting is either intentional or he’s lying to achieve an ulterior motive – usually to harm or undermine you. Regardless, it’s psychological abuse. He is manipulating you.
Why would you want to be with someone comfortable manipulating and abusing you? There are people who will make you feel safe and respected, will only want the best for you individually and as a couple. No ulterior motive.
Someone who treats you like this doesn’t deserve your love and time.