the other day i posted about telling my wife after 12 years about all the kinks and fantasies i have in the bedroom and i removed it becoz i was actually going to back out of it but last night i told her everything .
she already knows how eager i am for anal sex and although i am allowed to eat it , im not allowed anal penetration so i was very worried about my confessions .
i told her how i have a fetish for latex/leather and also have a desire for rim job and pegging along with a bunch of other kinks .
she just listened , never pulled a face , i asked what she thought and she said “ i kind of expected you would want those thing “ she never outright refused any of it , just said that we need to work on other parts of our life aswell , like communication .
i see so many comments on here that all say “ tell him / her “ and “ communicate “ and i roll my eyes most of the time becoz it seems like such a flippant comment and advise but it is actually the ‘ best ‘ advice !
1 to 1 communication with your partner is the hardest , direct and most frightening , but we dont want that when asking reddit , we want to hear what we want to hear and ignore the rest . so to all those who comment “ communication “ im 100% behind you becoz i couldnt belive after 12 years my wife actually took my “ dirty kinks “ pretty seriously .
i dont know where we will go with my requests , our night ended with us doing a position that i had confessed about and she enjoyed it , i am still waiting to hear her kinks and fantasies but she wants to save it for another night , im glad i opened up first becoz hopefully she saw how honest i was and im hoping she will do the same . a user told me to be ready becoz their partner had requested a 3 some and i dont know how id take that , but i mustnt be a hypocrite .
thank you every1 and keep talking !
14 comments
Communication for the win
I had this revelation almost 2 years ago now.
It was the best feeling saying my kinks and feeling like I wasn’t getting judged.
Even if she wasn’t compatible with all of them.
The Kinks will happen. Dont worry about it. Focus on communication and being Intimate with her. Listen to her, appreciate her . You cant be 100% perfect , but even if you make some effort she will notice it. She told you she wants you to work in other parts of the life, you focus on that and she will focus on what you want. Im glad this happened to you. I wish every couple will do what you have done.
Good job op. I’m actually in a similar boat myself. I’m trying to find the best way to explain my kink situation to my SO. Best of luck on your journey.
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Becoz
Good for you. I told my partner that monogamy isn’t important or special to me after being together several years. I’m pretty sure she would never enjoy something like a poly relationship and I’m totally fine with not having that. I love her and will happily be monogamous for her but the relationship being monogamous isn’t what makes it feel special and wonderful to me personally. Since this was how I felt about it I didn’t see anything wrong with just not bringing up my views on monogamy because after all it would be likely to generate serious questions if she realized I don’t feel the same way as her about monogamy. All that being said we have a very close relationship with each other and don’t really keep secrets from each other so eventually it came out in a conversation about monogamy. At first she was very upset and found it hard to believe I’m actually happy and that I’ll likely continue to be happy in the relationship we have etc. I did my best to reassure her that I do in fact love her very much,am happy with what we have and am not asking for something different etc. Eventually she internalized that and she seems much more secure now. I feel it has brought us even closer together because the discussions spawned by this revelation unquestionably gave us a deeper understanding of each other and we both still very much want to be together
Communication is a game changer. I remember years ago when my wife and I didn’t communicate as well, I’d keep from talking too much…and she’d straight up claim she didn’t have any fantasies or kinks.
Once we were able to get over that hump and really be open and vulnerable, things blew up!
I’m glad the conversation went well. It really can be quite scary sometimes. I found that over the past 4 years I’ve opened up about different sexual things with my husband and some went well, and others didn’t. However, all of them helped improve our communication and relationship greatly, even the one that was most difficult. I do hope she will consider what you’ve brought to the table and y’all can slowly work out different things to try that will be satisfying to you both.
I’m happy for you OP! It’s an amazing feeling to share your desires/fantasies/kinks with your SO. Not doing so feels like living in denial to me now, who else do you get to tell
My thing is I’m afraid to ask my partner for things because I don’t want him to try something he doesn’t 100% want to do. And I often think he will be doing it for me and not because he’s enjoying it. I want sex to be amazing for both parties.
Eat ass but not penetrate? What a lousy, bacteria filled deal that is! Btw, consider kissing your mom on the hand for know on instead of the cheek.
> I see so many comments on here that all say “Tell him/her” and “Communicate” and I roll my eyes most of the time
I would make a careful distinction here. Kinks are something you should probably start talking about piecemeal in your relationship at some point before the 12 year mark. Springing everything all at once on your spouse *is* a kind of communication, but I don’t know if it’s great advice. They might accept it, but you are potentially radically altering their perception of you. There’s plenty of posts here where someone “finally” comes out about some radical kink or combination of kinks to their long-time partner and it does not go this well. Can we really blame the partner in that situation when it feels like they’ve been hiding a major, important part of themselves for *years*? No matter the reason. The best way to approach it in these situations is generally to play up how it is a curiosity, something you’d *like* to do rather than something that’s critically important to you.
Better advice is to have a more open mind towards sex and sexual topics from the beginning of your relationship, then you can broach these topics much sooner in a way that isn’t overwhelming to either of you. Sometimes you don’t have compatibility on any given random kink, but that’s okay if you have a foundation where you can talk about it openly and explore it safely without feeling like you’re being given an ultimatum.
Also being open to trying to understand why people might be in to a kink, without needing to be in to it yourself, is a healthy and important part of sex positivity IMO. Most of them can be logically connected with in some way, if you are allowed to think about it in a neutral space where you don’t feel actively pressured by it.
It really feels great to be completely open and vulnerable like that with your partner. It also gets easier the more you do it, and when you share something that actually gets them excited too it’s like a drug and it just makes your bond that much deeper. I hope it goes well for you and she feels comfortable opening up to you in turn. Just remember, kinks and fantasies are just that and can stay that way so if she comes at you with something that you aren’t into, try to remember how vulnerable you felt and do your best to control any negative reaction.