24F. I’ve reached a point where I feel like nobody likes or cares about me. I don’t think I have a single friend now. Maybe no one knows I exist besides my parents.

Sorry that this post is long.

I pretend to be an extrovert and people would believe that initially and think I am talkative and popular when I am in a new environment. But people will soon form their own circles and maybe realize that I am actually very boring. I am always around but not in any one of the circles. I actually just started my graduate study and I remember the first day of orientation I talked to a person and wondered if she was in the same program and she said the single word “No” and left.

I’m aware my social skills need work, and despite my efforts to win people over, I often feel like I’m failing.

I’m an active listener and would pretend to be interested in topics I’m not familiar with, but it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated. I would try to initiate conversations such as talking about the weather or say things like have you heard about some news / do you know about the movie etc, and the people I talked to would say “No” and start to look at their phone or talk to other people.

I try to be useful and helpful, studying hard and sharing news/resources with peers, but I don’t seem to make lasting connections. People talk to me only if they need me to help with their projects or something. Others can establish and maintain friendships effortlessly, while I feel like I’m always struggling.

My relationships are either growing extremely slowly or going backward.

Examples:\* I’ve been friends with a popular artist on Twitter for four years. We chat daily or weekly (about our common interests or real-life stuff), yet she doesn’t know my birthday. I would draw illustrations for her birthdays and she liked those but she never do the same for me. But she did a painting for another person we both know. They only know each other for some months but I feel like they are more closer. I know how valuable her time is and that made me feel like maybe I am not that important.

\* My best friend since kindergarten once claimed to be busy with her study and research when I asked her out but she was actually showing a junior around the city. Now we are in different countries. She never initiate the chat for a single time and only reply very late and sometimes just ignored my texts.

\* I am also a freelance artist, I get quite some likes and reposts, but no one engages with comments or PMs whereas I saw a lot of artists who have smaller fanbases would get a lot of interactions with others and even make friends with them.

My friends never seem to remember my significant occasions, such as graduations, birthdays, or achievements, and they never wish me a happy holiday during festive seasons. Meanwhile, I make an effort to remember and acknowledge all of these important moments in their lives.

I know we are adults and we have our own life. But I do consider myself as their friend and I thought I am part of their life. And I don’t think I am bothering them. I know they may be busy so I would occasionally to share some news of mine and ask how’s it going for them and no follow-ups if they don’t reply.

I don’t know where this post is going and I feel helpless and frustrated. I just don’t know what is wrong with me and don’t know how to improve.

5 comments

  1. I feel this for sure. Especially the part where people only talk to me if they want help with something. From reading your post maybe we both have a similar issue where we have got to a point where we try too hard due to past failed attempts at forming a relationship? I don’t know how you rectify that problem but it definitely seems that people make friends much easier with much less effort.
    I wouldn’t say anything is wrong with you at all, nor that people find you boring but I found it’s a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy where because I’m so used to it failing that it inevitably does. Hopefully you have more luck in the future 🤞

  2. Chin up girl. I’ve been in your same boat and I realized that when you put on a front to try to relate or connect with people – it usually backfires. Mostly because at some point they’ll realize its just a facade, so its always just best to really be yourself. Own your introverted spirit. But also take up hobbies that you can talk about that’ll light you up when you talk about it. Also, maybe join meetup groups with people that are interested in things you really care about. That way the convos won’t be forced and you can make genuine connections/friendship. I hope this helps but trust me, you’re not alone in feeling this way.

  4. i have no idea to explain this without sounding mean but i think you genuinely need to be yourself. you mentioned faking interest to participate in conversation and similar actions and while this will makes you seem nice it does not foster real relationships. when you try to over generalize yourself to be appealing to everyone you seem wishy washy and uninteresting (from what you describe of yourself that is certainly not true :)). people love to talk abt themselves but you can’t have a deep relationship with someone who is just a mirror of yourself or like water. you will lose friends expressing your honest self because not everyone is compatible with everyone, but you will find much closer ones who share your values and interests.

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