I’m in a lesbian marriage, together for 10+ years, have kids. I’ve been unhappy on and off since our first kid was born, but could never really put my finger on the dynamic. When it comes to watching the kids or doing housework, my spouse prefers to do most things together, or “side by side.” I find this really inefficient and would rather we divide and conquer, so we can each get time to ourselves. Like how some couples each have a night per week when they go out and do their own thing. While I’ve raised this here and there, I’ve always gotten pushback from her and not pursued it. With the pandemic, we were so isolated and homebound anyway, I think it just reinforced a lot of the dynamic since neither of us was leaving the house anyway.
Before we had kids, I went out with friends on my own and with her, frequently went to workout classes, did trips with girlfriends, and lots of work travel. Recently I worked up the courage to try out a fitness studio, even though I knew she would disapprove (she still won’t do indoor dining or anything maskless because of covid anxiety, and doesn’t want me or the kids to either). It was great and she knows I felt really good about it, but never encourages me. Similarly, I go out 1:1 with a friend maybe once per quarter, and I know she wishes that I wouldn’t. I’ve traveled by myself with the kids because I want to see family or friends, and I don’t want to deal with her grumpiness if I just went by myself. Despite me doing the majority of the mental load and stuff around the house, she is constantly exhausted and burned out.
I feel like I walk on eggshells and apart from my work, have no sense of self or my own community/interests. The fact that I’m posting something online instead of just talking to a friend demonstrates this! My spouse also has ASD and ADHD, so I accept that I just have more capacity to take things on, but it’s really draining. Is this codependency? Or something else? I feel like if I have a name for it then I can work on finding resources.
1 comment
This is insane. I think codependency is a good term. In the Venn diagram of you two, it sounds like you’re basically a circle. There should be balance, some overlap and some individualism. It’s healthy to cultivate friendships and hobbies independently. I think your sense of normalcy has really slid. For example, designating one night a week to do separate activities is pretty minimal.
I don’t have personal experience but I think your efforts of making small steps to regrow your sense of self as an individual are excellent. It would be great if she could too, but even accepting that you have needs she doesn’t relate to would be awesome.