I’ve been with my wife for just over 10 years, been married for 5 years. We have a pretty good relationship and are parents to 2 young children under the age of 5.
I have a pretty high libido, and I’m into everything, like I don’t really have any limits in the bedroom as long as it’s just between me and her… I’m not into threesomes.
I have to initiate everything, if I ask she just responds with “If you want” if I don’t ask but just start touching and undressing her she just allows it, there’s like zero interest.
I can’t remember the last time she actually touched me, she’s never come onto me, I can’t remember my last BJ or HJ. I’ve tried buying toys and sexy underwear/outfits to spice things up and it all just gathers dust.
Honestly I feel like shit, I feel like if it was the other way round her friends would tell he to leave. Why am I so undesirable? She never says anything even when I make this issue clear to her how it’s making me feel.
She will also pretend she doesn’t feel well or has headache which I’m sure is just a put on so I don’t initiate anything.
I’m very generous in the bedroom, she always gets off from oral before any penetration. So what’s the deal?
Please, I’m feeling like shit rn. If any women can give me some advice I’d appreciate it.
She just doesn’t give me any thing or even tell me
16 comments
This sounds a lot more like a relationship problem than a sex problem, but sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch would say here that you can never seperate those two things.
That marriage and was very similar to mine but she has come off the pill the last 3 months due to menopause and omg how things have changed her sexualy desire has come back and she has wanted it before me. The pill is awful for women and causes lots of health issue’s inc hormones that realy mentally change them for the worse.
Sit down and talk with here ask her what gets her going sexualy, is she attracted to you in a sexual manor, again I know my partner loves me clean and shaven down there looking good no hair. She loves playing with my ass on every level so try asking your partner is there any kinks she would like to try to spice things up.
But if she is on the pill I quarantee this will be one of her problems, and kids and married life can be hard on our women as they do so much in that relationship, its not a 9-5 job for them more like 6-2300.
Good luck fella and have plenty of talking and discussing the situation you feel you are dealing with.
Some people just have no sex drive. You have to decide if that’s a dealbreaker for you.
It was for me. But I stuck around for 20 years before I finally left. Now I will leave much sooner if that happens again.
Was it always like this or has something changed?
Two young children under the age of 5 probably has a lot to do with it.
Probably sounds like an odd question OP but when it comes to day to day stuff like choosing what to wear when to shower, what to eat etc how proactive are you?.
The reason I ask is something my wife said in casual conversation when we both started dating which was ” if I feel like I’m having to mother my partner then my mind is in mothering mode and then I don’t feel feminine and sexy and then I’m not feeling in the mood for sex”.
That being said being on the pill will definitely have an effect and with 2 under 5s she’s probably stressed and sleep deprived which won’t help.
Have you actually said all of this to her? In a serious conversation, I mean, not at a moment it’s not convenient (for example, when you want sex and she’s tired, that’s not the most convenient time.)
How are you sharing chores and parenting?
Children, honestly are you doing the nighttime routine and telling her to go have a bath and relax, has she got help through the day with the children? Or is she working and then coming home to cook and clean?
High libido or not your probably not gona get it alot with two under fives x
Tell her you don’t feel desired and ask her what she does to show she desires you. Maybe she is showing you, just not in the physical intimacy way. Maybe she thinks being a good mother, or making your lunch, or whatever things she does are how she shows you she loves and wants you. Let her know it would mean a lot to you if she would tell you when she’s in the mood without you having to ask, or if she’d compliment you in a sexual way sometimes. Maybe ask her to write some things to you about how she feels about your sex life or your body (Maybe she doesn’t like to talk about it)
Give her some time away from the kids. Take them for a Saturday and send her for a massage or a haircut. Let her sleep in on Sunday and make them breakfast. Tell her she’s beautiful, give her hugs and kisses, but try and make it affectionate, not sexual. Make her feel pretty and loved, but be careful it doesn’t seem like you’re doing it just for sex. Tease her in a flirting way without trying to initiate sex after. You want it to build up in her until she’s frustrated and pushes past her resistance to ask you or signal to you she’s ready.
I hope that helps. If not, examine changing birth control methods, maybe get some help with the kids or somehow take something off her plate, or see a sex or marriage therapist.
Woww
If your wife wasn’t a highly sexual, frequent initiator before kids, then this likely has nothing to do with you.
Once my kids were born, desire for sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Yet I thought about the guilt of not having it, constantly. Needy kids, lack of sleep, lack of communication, decision fatigue, no significant time for connection and romance, and no alone time away from the home were all factors in our very lifeless sex life. I certainly wasn’t going to initiate and usually would treat it like another chore when he asked. We had plenty of other communication and intimacy issues, but I was drowning in the responsibilities and changes of motherhood. I wish my husband could’ve seen that and been more patient.
Ultimately, we pulled away from each other. After years of resentment building, he was looking to have an affair and I was looking for a way out. That landed us in couples therapy earlier this year and it literally saved our marriage. Our kids were 8 & 5 at that point. We started communicating in ways that we could actually hear each other. I finally felt seen and understood. For me, that naturally led to an increase in sexual desire. We’ve been having a great time reconnecting and feeling like horny teenagers again. Honestly, it just wouldn’t have been possible when our kids were younger. There just wasn’t enough time or energy to go around. I wish I had better advice, but really I feel that patience and completely open communication is the best I’ve got.
I’d recommend having a look at r/deadbedrooms many people are in your exact scenario.
Children are the best contraception ever.
Once you got kids women go into nurturing mode and unless they want more kids you just have to drive the bus when she can’t.
You say you’re generous IN the bedroom….what about out of it?
How equally do you split the household chores?
How equally do you split the parenting?
If you’re not doing you’re not helping around the house, as a member of that household who also is responsible for creating the need for that housework in the first place by dirtying clothes and dishes and the toilet, etc. Then it is no wonder you’re struggling in the bedroom.
This is a hugely common issue in couples, even more so when there is kid’s involved, and more so still when those kid’s are young and the mum is likely still trying to catch up on sleep from before they were born.
You want her to feel energetic enough for playtime…..take some work off her plate so she still has some energy left for fun
As a woman I can tell you that the problem is not sex 100%, you have problems in your relationship with your wife and you need to find out what the problem is, considering that you have been married for a while and have children, it could be anything, the reasons can be be very much