so I’m gonna start this with, I’ve got a pretty bad case of OCD and some hyper sexuality issues bc of CSA, the OCD I’ve talked to professionals abt the hyper sexuality I’m scared to rly do any therapizing about. it’s def partially those.
However…
I’m somebody who owns a few fantasy dildos. not anything crazy, ive got a tentacle and a horse (are you seeing the issue we r abt to have).
Id had a bit of a melt down years ago when I realized I was interested in the dildos because I was like “NOOOO THIS MEANS I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS”, not uncommon with OCD. But I then thought (panicked) for a bit and came to the realization that oh. no. no i don’t want to have sex with animals. that’d be bad. animals r nice sweet creatures and I am a human that does not like those things. i then decided to experiment with wtv dildos interested me and let everything be. HOWEVER…
There was an incident recently. After avoiding it my whole life, i accidentally saw something i never wanted to see. the notorious Mr. Hands video. fuck it is awful. i struggle to wipe the imagery from my brain like what the fuck i never imagined it to be that like mannn. like maaaaaan. but i digress. heres the real issue.
I’m having a total panic over what it says about my horse dildo now. Like, I still enjoy the dildo almost on instinct? the association is built up? but i want it TORN DOWN. because it is recognizably the same as the penis of a horse specifically from such a horrible fucking video but also just in general, which is an association that until this moment I’ve been able to somehow ignore. But am now unsure of how I ever did that frankly!! it’s so clear!! it’s causing all sorts of mental issues in me, im like “ahh yes the horse dildo nice cool [hit with a jumpscare mental “this is a horse penis”] AHAVHHAHHJHVABHA NONONO [grimacing and shakimg my head and trying to divert my thoughts and wanting to barf] hmmm im feeling kinda horny maybe ill touch myself, oh why don’t i use the chance dil-” (and the cycle, repeats, forever maybe?).
it’s rly throwing me off bad. ive got a super toxic relationship with sex and degradation and things of the sort, and ive always struggled with major intrustive thoughts, and often times they mix in awful confusing hurtful painful ways. but i love animals more than anything and don’t wanna be living any kinda life that even like… spiritually slights them? even by being interested in the dildos. especially when it all comes back to something so gruesome in my brain as that fucking video fuck fuck like why did i have to see that NOW after all these years I couldve avoided it too but i had to like prove to myself how bad it was once i knew what it was on 50/50 FUUUUCK i need to keep blur on. anyways. I think theyre amazing innocent creatures and i hate that im struggling with this new brain association situation!! looking for somebody to kill me, if not that then advice would be rly appreciated, esp if u have any lived experience w hyper sexuality or OCD
2 comments
way past our paygrade, you need to work this out in therapy
normally there’s a thought that “if some is good, more is better” but it essentially never is true in the extreme. nature has a way of limiting everything. I don’t find your toys bad/sick or anything, they’re toys, and you get off to them. nothing wrong with that.
but, if you feel self disgust/hatred/fear, that’s just nothing a bunch of internet strangers are equipped nor expected to help with.
talk about this with professionals
Could you look for a dildo of the same length/girth as the one you have, but without that specific shape that will make you think negative thoughts?
There’s nothing wrong with continuing to use it, but if you don’t like it anymore, then there’s also nothing wrong with getting rid of it and trying something new. Getting rid of it might even feel cathartic. Either way, you are not doing anything wrong or immoral. At the end of the day it’s just a chunk of silicone.